Addiction (*triggering*)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Róisín, Sep 16, 2015.

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  1. Róisín

    Róisín New Member

    I think addictions go way deeper than numbing out emotions, many times when you start with an addiction you're numb to begin with

    The drug, the alcohol, the pain wakes you up, makes you feel alive, invincible, the all-time super hero

    Addictions are personal and different for each person, from the hard core addict to the virgin experimenting just to see what the fuss is all about

    And the weird thing is, even if you have an addictive personality, you don't always get addicted to everything you try

    Every addiction fulfills a need inside of us, way down in the mud and the muck. Something stirs and is awakened, like the right key opening a locked door. If the key doesn't fit, the door doesn't open

    It calls to me. It knows me by my need for it. Its need to be recognized burns through my veins. My blood is thick and slow with too many emotions. It is irresistible in its sweet entice. More manipulative than I am

    You start out numb and in pain and end it numb and in pain, not caring anymore, you've lost it all anyway

    The quiet intelligent me has fled. Fear and anger and rage consume me, I bear my fangs of need. Just once, once more. Just be still, just be brave, breathe.

    We are all one cut, one snort, one puff away from that all time addiction

    It's friend and foe alike, you reach for the one thing that instantly takes away that pain and for a while you're best friends, mates for life. But then your friend gets up and walks away, each time they get up faster and walk further away. It takes more and more to keep that friend by your side, but they never stay for long, never stay for keeps

    But your addiction does. It creeps beneath your skin, plunges head first into your blood stream, makes towards your heart and destroys the love, the trust, the part that's you

    And it takes me by the hand and leads me to the dark abyss. My head feels heavy, hangs in shame, the darkness comforts me, wraps around me, engulfs me. I cannot still its voice, its hunger rips through me. And I step off the edge, drifting into the darkness on wings of need and fear and hurt and pain

    All people see is the drunkenness, the high, the cuts and scars and judge. So few see the emotional hunger that needs to be fed, the brokenness that needs to be healed, the need for love, for huggs, for understanding because we've destroyed it all. The addiction called, we listened and obeyed

    I wait to count the crimson dots of tingling, burning, aching hunger. For my body to take the pain from my mind, to tenderly put peace in its place. And my mind quietens, lulled to sleep, dreaming, floating and the quiet opens up and my mind asks for one more cut

    And a smile slowly grows from within

    And within this seed, the surrender

    And I'm left holding a handful of ashes. Ashes of grief and guilt and imprisonment. It never ends, the monster wraps itself around me and consumes its tail. Control slips through the blood and drips uselessly to the ground

    No-one sees the little, frightened child, empty hands held out, no amount of tears will heal the hurt. The pounding, beating, throbbing note of "not good enough", "worthless", "hatred" thrums through your core. No-one but the addiction hears and stops to pay attention. No-one but the addiction will fill those empty arms, stop those whispers, gently rock that little child to sleep in peace

    One cut, seven cuts, twenty-one, or losing count. Little tiny scratches or deep cuts, barely there or evident as black and crimson embroidered lines on skin that writes a thousand stories, each holds their share of hours of tears. They all tell of pain that kills pain, behind each and every scar and cut and scratch lies a lake of pain only visible way below my skin. The grief, emotional overload, self-hatred, hungry hopelessness cannot be measured in one or one thousand drops of blood

    I have known defeat. I have known suffering. I have known abuse and torture. Known struggle, known loss, have been to the very depths of hell and back. I live with demons. I've learnt that "no" means "yes". I've been silenced but still I scream. I've been blamed and labelled and convicted. Love hurts, physically

    Getting your feet wet, or just letting the addictive waters just brush your toes gives you no understanding or bragging rights to be an addict. Unless you've dived beneath the waves and fought against the tugging currents, touched the ocean floor, scraped against primeval rocks, breathed those drowning breaths, then and only then can you claim "addict"

    And yet I stand alone and fight
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    If only it were such a simple poetic thing..... I am afraid the explanations and understandings are really just the truth behind any addiction that it is all a complete lie fabricated to allow an excuse to continue and explain the lack of ability to stop. Particularly when dealing with psychological dependencies as opposed to true physical addictions where the real truth of the matter is one simple word - Choice.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You choice life or you chose the addiction that takes away life Yes you need help to stop but you can with support and therapy you can get control back and finally bring peace to that hurt child within do that for YOU ok get the help you need to stop.
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