Adding It All Up

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by EyesofRhye, May 21, 2010.

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  1. EyesofRhye

    EyesofRhye Member

    So.... get ready for a partial life-story summary, fellows.

    I'm here for a variety of reasons, that have lead up to my present troubled state of being. I'd like to know the root cause, what it is that is really blocking me from happiness, but I think that's asking a lot. But if anyone is intrigued enough to talk this out with me, it would be greatly appreciated.

    What's dragging me down:
    I'm adopted, and that's not all that bad, but it had given me a constant sense of dislocation. I have the crazy thought that I am not ALLOWED to belong.

    My mother has her own social anxiety, and because of this snipes at me. When she misses me she tears me down and chews me out, and disallows me from even trying to argue - when there was no need for argument in the first place. She tells me I don't love her enough, and that I do not respect her. She sets me up for failure, so that she can have an opportunity to rag on me.

    Last summer I cheated on my boyfriend. Stupid, yes. But I felt then as though I were not in control of things from the get-go, and desired to be prodded into the situation as uncomfortable as it was. I wasn't looking for a thrill, I wasn't looking for a new mate - I am still with my boyfriend, who is hinting at proposal, as he's gotten over this mess (I have not) - and it was not fun. As a result I now feel sexually stunted, undesirable, have lost a friend or two, am paranoid about people knowing that I am a tramp, etc.
    It was a bad choice, and still I feel like I wasn't the one who made it. Go fudging figure.

    I am a logical thinker. I am also a literal thinker. I have to go through certain processes to think, have to do certain things before I can get what needs to be done, done. Yet this behavior constantly clashes with my creative mind, which is wildly imaginative. And I have great difficulty focusing these mindsets together.

    Perhaps that has to do with the ADHD. I haven't been taking my medication for that. Well, I have, but only sporadically. And it says on the bottle that misuse may cause depression, and I think it is..... but after all these other factors, who knows?

    A great deal of my friends clash with my boyfriend. His friends tend to ignore me. My friends back home, for the most part, seem not to have grown up and I wonder if my mental age is too old and weary. My friends here, I don't see as often as I used to because in a way I am contented just to be with my boyfriend. Because it's easy. But is easy a good thing? What bugs me most about my boyfriend is that he can't dance, and doesn't encourage me to sing, nor does he ever try to make a date for us. I always seem to be the one taking the directive, because he feels he's too busy organizing his life to take charge of much anything in our life.

    This may seem like a long list of complaints, and you'll tell me maybe he's not the one for me. But despite these things, they are changeable things. And it takes ages for people who are stuck in their ways to change. And I'm young, I have time. So what is bothersome? The fact that I am bothered at all.

    A younger me was overly optimistic, and feared nothing. I am not overstating that, I truly feared nothing. And I felt 60% separate from reality. And now when I look into anyone else's eyes, the first thing I register is fear. Not that they are afraid, or I afraid of them.... there is just a lingering undercurrent of fear at the surface of everyone's eyes and aura. I'd like to blame the media and overpopulation...... but I think this is just me, being crazy.

    I have imagined my suicide an innumerable amount of ways.
    I have imagined running away in great detail.
    I have imagined killing anyone and everyone in my presence at one time or another.
    I have thrown myself against walls and clawed my own skin, but not lately because I don't want anyone to worry - humanity has enough problems of it's own to worry about me, someone who feels so separate from it.

    I have talked to my parents about my feelings of depression and suicide, but they don't believe it to be real.... my step-mother also disbelieves the fact that I am bisexual. She says that bisexuality doesn't exist. And I can understand why she'd think that....... but in my case I have been certain for a long time that she is wrong.

    I cry in the shower because it is the one place that no one would dare intrude on me, in my naked feral state.

    I have a problem with shaving/cutting my hair. I first started doing it as a symbolic way of letting go of past things and ugly situations.... then for fun..... and now, I just can't stand to let it grow. Yet I want it to be long at the same time, down to my waist even.

    I loath repetition. And right now I feel as though everything and everyone is on repeat.
    I don't care about success in school or getting a career. I'd much rather explore the states and observe social behaviors in a non-psychoanalytical manner. But I don't have the funding, I don't have anyone who would back me up, and many people who would hate for me to do this. Because I don't like to communicate by phone or e-mail or anything on a regular basis with loved ones. For some reason I feel there is no need for it.

    Oh dear..... I'm sure you've all had enough of my whine. But I'm uneasy about writing this as a journal entry, as I've done it so many times before.... that I wonder if anyone who reads those entries really cares. No one seems to have the time to comment anymore, unless you've caressed their egos first.

    That's why I'm imploring this forum to hear me out.
    But my god am I a sad sack of human waste....

    Alright, have at me if you wish.
  2. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    Hey :hug:

    Welcome to the forums!

    I feel like maybe you're just bored with the way things are. Why not shake things up and try a new hobby? If you're unhappy with the fact that your bf is not making the effort to plan things for you to do together, maybe you should voice this concern to him? I thinking sharing expectations are important. If it matters to him, he'll try and change.
  3. EyesofRhye

    EyesofRhye Member

    I have voiced these concerns.
    He listens, but he still can't figure out how to act, unless I spell it out and leave him guidelines.... I know he wants to do well by me, but does he have the gumption?

    I've tried hobbies, but, they never last very long. I am that frustrated with things remaining the same.... or perhaps it is the conditioning of my life having being in a constant state of flux that makes me this way, now.
  4. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    I had to look up what gumption was lol.

    Is it really difficult for him to just do something nice and book reservations for two at a nice restaurant or arrange a movie night for the both of you? Or are you expecting something different and unexpected everytime?

    Some people just really like change. I know there are careers that only people who love change can thrive in. Jobs with different projects every few weeks tend to forced individuals to learn something new all the time. Maybe you should consider something like this for a career? I know jobs in public accounting, banking and consulting can offer that kind of change.
    Things with hobbies is that once you stick to something (like collecting stamps), the activity stays the same and can get quite dull. I feel the trick is to find something that has a lot of change as well. Why not take up a sport or start working out if you don't. The thing with going to the gym is that your routine can be as prone to change as you like it. If you like change you can change your routine every two weeks. If you don't like change you can find one suitable program. If you're not sure what to do, and can afford it, a personal trainer can keep revamping your program to spice things up. Otherwise, the web contains a wealth of information on this subject.
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