Addressing the Abuser within me *triggering

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by SelfMadePrison, Feb 2, 2010.

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  1. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    Admitting I have a problem has been one of the hardest things I have done, and it has brought up within me a huge amount of feelings and thoughts that I find it hard to sort through, but I find myself working towards just that, addressing these.

    I was in long term relationship, that I brought a huge amount of abuse into, mostly it was emotional, it became physical and I pushed a broken sense of sexuality on this beautiful person that I made into a victim.
    When I reflect on all this I see that it came down to one thing - Control - I was out of control myself so I sought to control others - socially excluding myself I pushed this control onto her.

    She did not deserve it, not one moment of it.

    If you have been abused you have not deserved it, not one moment of it.

    Us abusers are not the victims, we made victims and I am filled with remorse that I added to this pain.

    If you find yourself second guessing your decisions and how they contributed you must let that go, it is not your fault -you were and are worthy of love and appreciation- the best thing you can do is make sure that you are safe, your family is safe.

    If you are made to feel guilty by us abusers because you phoned the police or you reached out for help then be certain the cycle has not stopped.

    If you are inundated with excuses or it seems that the abuser is obsessing over you, the abuse has not stopped.

    This is very hard for me to confess because I do not want to be seen as an abuser.

    Only I can break my own cycle of abuse, no matter how hard you try, unless I put in my work, I will find no healing.

    ~A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step~
    I know what I did,
    I know I am not a slave to myself,
    Love is doing its work.

    Breath easy.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The first step to healing oneself is to admit there is a problem you have done this. I hope you can continue to get the help you need so such control is not necessary ever again. Anger management classes Cognitive Behavior Therapy any such treatment to teach you. I am glad you are trying to change and i know you care about people it is shown here. I hope in time healing will come for all involved good for you for seeking help and for stopping the cycle.
  3. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    I really appreciate the response ~violet~
    I definetly have not waited for anyone to tell me what to do now that I have accepted that I was not a victim throughout my adult years, and so I have reached out into my community, and my family.
    The professionals I have in my life are;
    A psychiatrist I see at least 1x a month and that may increase I do not know till my next meeting.
    A psychologist who I see either every week or every other week.
    A family doctor who is going to see me also every week till he feels confident that I can go longer.

    I saw a psychologist for an intake meeting at a local agency that deals with anger issues and family violence, it was really nice because before working in this field she worked with Autistic and Aspergers for 9 years before that, she really knew how to get me talking, she is suppose to contact my other care givers and make suggestions and discuss what is best as to an action plan more in the immediate future.

    My sisters and step-brother have been a wonderful support as well.

    So there is a little bit more about me and the journey I am on in the immediate time period here.

    I have been putting into practice daily the little bit of mindfulness training that I have recieved and I do some yoga everyday.. I am trying to do 3 classes a week so that I can do something to build myself up, it has been a huge leap forward for me.

    I keep imagining in my mind my daughters and son doing some different yoga moves and it makes me smile.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    all positives good for you I am happy to see all the support you have as they will not let you stray from that narrow path of yours. stay well and yes children can always bring a smile to ones face. stay strong your children will have their dad back in no time
  5. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    It would be nice if it were all simple.
    The simplest things are often the hardest.

    Going forth and accepting help and direction is extremely difficult.

    I really hope to get out more of how I feel about this all, but don`t want to just say stuff for the sake of saying stuff.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    In time right you will say what is needed to help you heal remember no one judges here as no one is in the position to judge take care
  7. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    Everyday I think about the hurt I did.. that I robbed something from others..
    I don`t hate myself, but I hate what I did, I do believe that all things can be overcome with the right attitude and effort.

    The realization that there is not any one `hardest thing` about this all.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    for someone that has a conscience yes as you do there can be change healing Not all things can be forgiven but then that is up to the person who is in the position to do so. It is a process that has to be dealt as a whole not in parts i would think as even the smallest parts of changing is as important as the larger parts. You are able to look inward and see what was and now can see what can be that in itself is a great feat. Things happen in life that one has little control over You have taken some control back and have decided a different path this time I think you can be proud of that as your family will be proud of you as well. Just take one day at a time one step at a time.
  9. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    Thing that hits me about the weirdness of it all.. Control.. I was out of control trying to be controlling.
    As much as I desire forgiveness from my loved ones, I can't ask them to do so.
    I will make my attempt to walk in forgiveness by making the changes necessary so that when anger comes it is healthy and keeps everyones dignity in tact.
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    oh i know this too well trying to control others life's, trying to get them to see what is best It is my downfall as well Instead of letting them live their lives i tried to control everything and it was my undoing. I now see i have no control over anything or anyone.
    In losing the control I lost who and what i am
    I am falling apart because i am not needed
    I realize that now my control was too damaging
    Time to back away and let things fall as they may as i am too tired to even care
    I am glad to see you learned that control of oneself is more important than controling everyone and everything around you.
    It is just to devastating the outfall of it all I am seeing that now.
  11. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    (I read this in a chicken soup for the soul book, supposedly it was on a tomb stone)
    I tried to change the world,
    and I found I could not,
    so I tried to change my country,
    and I found I could not,
    so I tried to change my Province/State,
    and I found I could not,
    so I tried to change my City,
    and I found I could not,
    so I tried to change those around me,
    and I found I could not,
    now I am in my grave,
    if only I would have realized that changing myself
    I would have changed the world.

    I have to agree with this except that you and I we are still alive.. we may be tired, injured, dejected, filled with sorrow and even find that most our time is spent alone, but a journy of a thousand miles begins with one step.
    And I really am thankful that you have participated in many of those steps I am taking in order to walk the path of the peaceful warrior.
  12. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    personally i am very proud of you and your willingness to see all this. it takes a heck of a person to do that. you're a great guy and if you want to pm to talk more about this please feel free to anytime. you're awesome and please take care.
  13. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    Its very difficult to put out all the thoughts around this subject..
    I don't completly know how I am going to get through the loneliness of seperation from my children and their mother, so far going to Yoga has been the only real release from tears and anguish, it does give me hope that as I progress the healing becomes more and more real.

    I do fear getting stuck in any sort of denial, but this is why I am really letting people into my life more and making 1000x more effort to make sure I get to all my meetings with family, friends, professionals.

    Thanks for posting, thanks for caring, thanks for being here, thanks for understanding pain, and thanks most of all for understanding love.

    Breath easy
  14. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    Over the past few days I have been contemplating a lot on past conditioning that leads to wrongful thought frames and actions(presuppositions).
    Let me give an analogy;
    I was told by a horse trainer that horses think in pictures and this makes associations in the mind of the horse (neuron connections), now say a young horse is being loaded into the horse trailer for the first time and it slips and hurts itself, it could very make an association that horse trailers = pain and injury, so forever afterwards it has this association in mind when it is going to be loaded, which then fills the horse with adrenalin, which people then say 'that horse is aggressive', but in fact its in a state of fear because of past conditioning. On a lesser extreme we can see a horse who has been loaded many times onto a horse trailer but one day they are being loaded on a double wide horse trailer and they slip and injure themselves, this horse will most likely be all right mentally being loaded on trailers, but might associate double wide trailers as something to be feared.

    None the less when we equate this to our humanity and the things we experience in life, we can build up all these neural pathways that associate certain experiences/thoughts/images/etc with fear/pain/hurt/anger/etc which then can lead to some very disturbing behaviours, making either ourselves or others at risk of harm from us until we are able to find the way to avert our negative reactions to these very natural emotions/feelings (fear/pain/hurt/anger/etc).
    This is hard work to do, training the brain to make new associations is difficult at best.

    A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step.
  15. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    sigh......sheding the self of more meh & blah
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 7, 2010
  16. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    If you find yourself angry at the people around you, just think for a moment that your anger can cause them to go away...

    I don't know how my children are doing really..
    I don't know the struggle they are feeling within because I am not there..
    I don't know what they saw or heard in the ordeal, the fear they felt.......

    There is a tremendous amount of pain in this whole thing..
  17. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    I don't know what to say really. I wouldn't say I am proud of how you've dealt with this, I think this is a necessary step, which very few do. You're doing it,.. and all I can say truly is what you already know

    A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step

    From one person to another, I wish you the very best.
  18. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sure their mother will take care of their emotional well being getting them therapy and herself therapy to heal what pain came of the incident. Your right anger fear trigger alot of pain and one needs to run get away from the people around them because it is not worth the pain of hurting the people we love.
    It is better to just get away from the situation when it starts and just run and hide get away the anger is from the past and should never be used against the people in our present day never
  19. SelfMadePrison

    SelfMadePrison Banned Member

    I would be interested in understanding this more, as I find the more input from people I have then the better decisions I can make, and a better measure I can use in knowing what I am doing.

    I am not proud in the context that I did something horrible and nearly lost all that was dear to me in order to get on the path of healing.

    I don't want to just be fed a loaf or piece of bread, I want to learn how to make the loaf right from tilling the field to planting seeds to harvesting grain, the whole process.

    I appreciate all the replies that anyone gives.
  20. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Maybe a bad choice of words. I suppose this comes from my own personal views on life. I look at that, everyone is equal, and no one is better. We can however make ourselves out to be worse. This doesn't make us less equal though to others in the end. I just mean that when we do something to harm another, we must do everything that we can to redeem the situation and in the end, ourselves. The reason I said I am not proud of it, is because I feel this is yours, and yours alone to feel from. I don't want to give, even in the most slightest, any disillusion that would taint what you are going through, in a positive or negative way.

    This is your journey, one that you've made for yourself. I can't feel anything for the hardship you are going through, because those feelings are yours to endure. But You're looking into yourself and facing your issues. I do want to offer support for the choices you are making in the form, keep it up. :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 22, 2010
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