Admitting it out loud finally

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lotus0713, Sep 14, 2016.

  1. Lotus0713

    Lotus0713 Member

    Every conversation I have is forced. Every smile is fake. Every laugh is wrong as it is made to make someone stop looking at me as if they can see though it. I have good parents, happy dog, and a daughter who loves me and I take it all for granted. People constantly tell me I have a great personality, sad isn't it? I really have had a good life, easier than most. I know this, my head knows this.
    Why do I struggle to move when Noone is watching. Why do I distance myself? Why do I wish<mod edit - methods>t? There isn't pain. There just isn't any point to this. I don't want to connect to anyone or anything. I don't wish to enjoy things, I don't want to laugh, play, interact with anyone, even my 10 yr old. Yesterday was the 1st time I said that to anyone and it was on here somewhere, but I have been this way for years. I don't want to get better. I don't want anything but not to wake up next time I sleep. No pressure anymore to fake everything and finally just end the exhausting cycle. The thought of not being is the only thing I yearn for. Why haven't I done it yet? Cause life insurance won't pay if they know it's on purpose
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 14, 2016
    OCDNihilism likes this.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad. Are you seeing counsellor or doctor?