Adoption

[Dinolaur]

Hi there,

I haven’t been around much on forum lately, I haven’t been around much on sf tbh. Just feeling kind of lost and in need of some advice, mainly from someone who has experienced being adopted and the turmoil of what comes with it.

My partner of 9y is adopted, he doesn’t like talking about it, he hates it, and I completely understand that. What I don’t understand is how it affects him and our relationship. I feel like it’s all one sided with affection and love coming from me and not him. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but I can’t physically feel it. He doesn’t understand that, he keeps putting the blame on it being because he’s adopted, but he’s only really said a few things about it in the last 9y.
Long story short beginning of this year he found his biological siblings who ended up not being the greatest people. One in particular is extremely possessive and won’t leave him alone, he almost got an injunction out on him because he started threatening us. That’s only a little part.
Anyway I can’t exactly go into anymore detail because it’s not my story to tell. All I need is some understanding as to why over the last 4y he has disconnected and been on a downhill spiral since. Especially after being bullied at work in his previous job. I think that has played a massive in how he is being towards me, regardless of me being nothing but supportive, as it was a woman who threw a mountain of abuse at him everyday for 3y.

If anyone can help me see what I am not seeing I would be very grateful. I just don’t know where to begin. I tried googling and it helped a little with how adoptees go through 7 stages or have 7 things all linked to adoption. We argued until almost 5am this morning. He threw in my face that he has had to learn and adapt to me not being able to do much and see me getting increasingly worse with my fibromyalgia. I know he loves me and he puts up with a lot from me, I’m 1000% sure I have borderline personality disorder which obviously doesn’t help with this. Sometimes I’m an absolute ****, but he can be too. But I do love him. He is my world. We’ve created a family and I don’t want to destroy our children’s lives because we’re not seeing eye to eye right now.
Any help or advice is appreciate

sorry for rambling and Thankyou for reading

 

[BlueGreen]

Hi @Dinolaur, sorry to hear how things are with you. I'm not adopted and hopefully you will get some answers here but I wanted to chip in with just a little thought about it. I had a mother who didn't show any physical affection whatsoever. She could be funny and sweet but not there to listen to any problems and she really wasn't interested. Long story short is that I have huge problems accepting friendship and hugs from females. I feel really uncomfortable. I don't think anyone would really notice, they might think I'm a bit reserved but really it feels quite alien to get affection from a female. I had two stages of being separated by the time I was 18 so I felt quite different to my family - my brothers didn't have that separation. Long story short is, this is a lifelong feeling of abandonment and rejection. It's totally alien to do that to a child and for some creates lifelong issues, whether they are buried or on the surface they are most likely there. Your partner getting bullied must have felt very painful to him on top of his feelings about himself. Often adopted people feel unlovable and abandoned so they have to give themselves a barrier to protect himself. Maybe he needs to keep his defences up to protect himself in case your relationship breaks up? Maybe he feels if he lets them down, the floodgates of emotion will be too much. Maybe he just can't, the defences have been there so long. If he's mentioning it a lot, then it must be on his mind a lot of the time. His birth parents 'rejected' him, his work colleague 'rejected' him and now his biological siblings have let him down. My feeling is that you are his rock but also the one who he can show all the negative feelings to. Do you know whether he has more feelings about his mother or his father? Often that feeling of confusion and anger is directed at the mother. As long as he isn't abusive to you, just tell him what you said here, about him being your world. Hopefully it is a bad patch but it will blow over. Would he be open to seeing a therapist?

 

[Dinolaur]

Hi @Dinolaur, sorry to hear how things are with you. I'm not adopted and hopefully you will get some answers here but I wanted to chip in with just a little thought about it. I had a mother who didn't show any physical affection whatsoever. She could be funny and sweet but not there to listen to any problems and she really wasn't interested. Long story short is that I have huge problems accepting friendship and hugs from females. I feel really uncomfortable. I don't think anyone would really notice, they might think I'm a bit reserved but really it feels quite alien to get affection from a female. I had two stages of being separated by the time I was 18 so I felt quite different to my family - my brothers didn't have that separation. Long story short is, this is a lifelong feeling of abandonment and rejection. It's totally alien to do that to a child and for some creates lifelong issues, whether they are buried or on the surface they are most likely there. Your partner getting bullied must have felt very painful to him on top of his feelings about himself. Often adopted people feel unlovable and abandoned so they have to give themselves a barrier to protect himself. Maybe he needs to keep his defences up to protect himself in case your relationship breaks up? Maybe he feels if he lets them down, the floodgates of emotion will be too much. Maybe he just can't, the defences have been there so long. If he's mentioning it a lot, then it must be on his mind a lot of the time. His birth parents 'rejected' him, his work colleague 'rejected' him and now his biological siblings have let him down. My feeling is that you are his rock but also the one who he can show all the negative feelings to. Do you know whether he has more feelings about his mother or his father? Often that feeling of confusion and anger is directed at the mother. As long as he isn't abusive to you, just tell him what you said here, about him being your world. Hopefully it is a bad patch but it will blow over. Would he be open to seeing a therapist?

Hi @BlueGreen Thankyou for your reply! I really appreciate it. I wouldn’t ideally want us to end so that isn’t really on the cards even though I feel like, in the heat of the moment, that it’s the right thing to end things when really I don’t want to because he is the love of my life. We’ve had 9y together 8 of those been with a child as I fell pregnant 6 months into our relationship where things started to get difficult, our oldest daughter is 8, she was supposed to be a twin, we lost that twin, but when we lost that twin he wasn’t even by my side he was in America seeing family, but he did get the earliest flight he could to be there with me so we could be and grieve together. That was just the beginning, I feel like he is constantly rejecting me. We’ve spoke about everything I’ve said here, he reassures me but never physically reassures me, sometimes words just aren’t enough anymore. I know mentally he’s not in a good place I can see it, feel it and know it. He has gotten a bit better but he’ll never be as good as he was 9y ago. He did bad therapy through his new job and I believe it helped him and gave him coping mechanisms which he puts into practice when he needs it. I see that.

I know what you’re saying with your mum. My mum doesn’t have a motherly bone inside of her. I don’t remember the last time my mum or dad gave me a hug. I guess that’s why I feel like im not loved by him because I’m not seeing any physical love. I feel like I’m being stupid when really we’re just in a bad spot right now. I did apologise to him, for what was said. I guess I’m a shitty person and never gonna be made a wife because I don’t deserve to be one or have that title. I hate me.

 

[BlueGreen]

Why do you say you are a shitty person @Dinolaur? You are the glue keeping everything together. You are there for your husband, you are bringing up your daughter and dealing with the grief and loss of her twin. And dealing with all your physical and mental health issues too. You are doing all this and more and he should be grateful for that. I'm sure he is, but you need love and affection too, it's not all about his needs. How does he react when you give him a hug? Do you tell him you need physical reassurance? Sometimes when I was upset with my husband I had to do all the running to break the negative cycle and it did work. (Now I don't but that is another story!) Maybe you need to communicate in really simple terms. I know when we have been brought up with an absence of love we truly feel it must be because we don't deserve it, but we do. Fibromyalgia is no joke, you need understanding from him too. It might help to not constantly give in to his needs all the time but try to stay calm, you both have a lot to deal with but try not to forget you deserve respect too.

 

[may71]

Sorry that there are problems in your relationship.

he reassures me but never physically reassures me

Have you told him that you'd like to see him express more physical affection?

If couples counseling isn't an option, a member here has recommended a relationship app called "lasting".

https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/i-need-help-and-answers.171560/#post-2211287

 

[Dinolaur]

Why do you say you are a shitty person @Dinolaur? You are the glue keeping everything together. You are there for your husband, you are bringing up your daughter and dealing with the grief and loss of her twin. And dealing with all your physical and mental health issues too. You are doing all this and more and he should be grateful for that. I'm sure he is, but you need love and affection too, it's not all about his needs. How does he react when you give him a hug? Do you tell him you need physical reassurance? Sometimes when I was upset with my husband I had to do all the running to break the negative cycle and it did work. (Now I don't but that is another story!) Maybe you need to communicate in really simple terms. I know when we have been brought up with an absence of love we truly feel it must be because we don't deserve it, but we do. Fibromyalgia is no joke, you need understanding from him too. It might help to not constantly give in to his needs all the time but try to stay calm, you both have a lot to deal with but try not to forget you deserve respect too.

I don’t think I’m the glue, I’m barely hanging on by a thread. I have deep rooted trust issues, but I think that stems from my parents too. My dad put me in the middle of their relationship made me a spy, spy on what my mum was doing, I don’t think it was meant in the way that it’s coming across. But she was ultimately cheating on him, not physically, but she was having secret phone calls and on a website where I could see everything that was being written too and from. I think it fudged me up for life. They did split up. My dad gave up his job and living in the house. I chose to live with him as he hadn’t done anything wrong, he hadn’t wronged our family. So my brother followed me as he was only little and didn’t understand. So the 3 of us moved into my grandparents, with my uncle also living at home. They had a spare bedroom, a spare room downstairs and my dad slept in the caravan in the front garden which was there’s so we could have space of our own each, eventually they did get back together and tbh they’re the best they’ve ever been. It’s strange how things work out.

Going back to the original thing as I’ve gotten off track. I guess in those words no I haven’t told him I need physical reassurance I guess I’ve never worded it like that, I’ve told him that why should I give all the time and get nothing in return, but I also do understand that he has to deal with his rejection from his biological family. Maybe he thinks I’m rejecting him even though mentally and physically I’m not. I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ I don’t understand but he’s asked me to try and understand it. Obviously I am his rock. His parents were great but as he’s gotten older and his gotten children with me his mum has been extremely difficult and makes thing harder which obviously doesn’t help anyone or anything. Sorry I’m just rambling.

 

[Dinolaur]

Sorry that there are problems in your relationship.

Have you told him that you'd like to see him express more physical affection?

If couples counseling isn't an option, a member here has recommended a relationship app called "lasting".

https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/i-need-help-and-answers.171560/#post-2211287

I have said that I want physical affection but maybe I’m not being clear enough? I know he’s got a lot on his plate which really isn’t helping. A lot is happening with the older bio sibling that he hasn’t spoken about until last night when it came out that his having to deal with him when he doesn’t want to. That he has asked him repeatedly to leave him alone and for one reason or another it’s not sinking in.
I have never heard of the app, I’ll have a look into it. Thankyou

 

[may71]

Sorry I’m just rambling.

There's nothing to be sorry about. I think it's good that you're talking about this.

I have said that I want physical affection but maybe I’m not being clear enough?

Maybe a counselor or the app might help improve communication.

Thankyou

You're welcome!

I have never heard of the ap

I never heard of it either, until a member mentioned. I can't vouch for it because I have no experience with it, but maybe it would help.

 

[Dinolaur]

There's nothing to be sorry about. I think it's good that you're talking about this.


Maybe a counselor or the app might help improve communication.


You're welcome!

I never heard of it either, until a member mentioned. I can't vouch for it because I have no experience with it, but maybe it would help.

Thankyou for being so kind

 

[may71]

*blushes* You're welcome!

 

[mellissapickron]

Many people who have lost their birth parents have psychical trauma. I was dating a partner with impostor syndrome.

 

[mellissapickron]

Many people who have lost their birth parents have psychical trauma. I was dating a partner with impostor syndrome.

He lived in a foster family until he was 19. But in the last years of his life with wonderful parents, he felt like a man who won the lottery and didn't deserve it. He ran away from them for five years and confessed it to me. Can you imagine such a case? He ran away from this family because they were the most wonderful people, and he felt their love. They adopted him through a good foster agency. They weren't intrusive and behaved like typical parents. He loved them. I convinced him to return to them and tell them about his successes. And they received him happily.

 

[may71]

I convinced him to return to them and tell them about his successes. And they received him happily.

That's really nice

I'm glad you were able to talk him into returning.