Advice for letting go?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Brittless, Jul 29, 2016.

  1. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    Currently, I am in a relationship where I am disrespected and lied to though it is coupled with care and I think love. This I am just recently coming to terms with. I've been avoiding and denying the disrespect and lies for awhile, or at least telling myself they don't matter in the scheme of things because of the love and care and intimacy we have. And also because it's hard to find someone to love me... a person that is diseased, mentally ill, and all around fucked up. But these lies do matter. They really do.

    I need to end things. I can't keep going on like this, but I can't seem to let go. I rely on this guy so much. I mean, I've made him my future. So how do I conjure the strength to end things between us and to let go? Does anyone have any advice?
     
  2. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    I also just want to add that every time I think I'm losing him or he treats me poorly, I get very manic.. and as a result usually suicidal. I want to avoid all of this but I don't know how. So again advice on that would be good.
     
  3. __d

    __d Active Member

    I am sorry you are in such conditions. As an alternative, have you tried explicitly demanding honesty from him? I say this because if you feel there is love in the relationship, it may be worth trying to reform, even if it takes time...
     
  4. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    Thanks for replying. I practically beg for honesty from him, but he says that he is being honest. I know for a fact he's not as his stories don't add up and I've caught him in many lies. If he cared for me at all in a healthy manner, he'd tell me the truth... I am tired of feeling like I do not know my own boyfriend, yet have given myself to him so completely. It's hard to break this tie.
     
  5. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I have found personal disputes a real challenge to overcome. 2 people so heavily involved with each other, so close to issues, sometimes just cant see the wood for the trees. A third party who is removed from the whole situation sees a completely different perspective to what you or your partner will see.

    My partner and I used a service called Relate who help couples and families that are having problems in their relationships. I think we did about 10 sessions in total and theres little doubt it kept us together.

    Turn the clock forward and my recent mental health issues have put a huge strain on or relationship again. We have just started seeing a family psych to try and work through some of the issues we face today. Tuesdays meeting was very intense, but also productive.

    Is anything remotely like that possible for the two of you now or in the near future?
     
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  6. __d

    __d Active Member

    This is a difficult situation. I wish I had answers, but I only have scattered questions for you to think about by yourself.
    Are you sure there is love? (why lie when there is love?)
    Imagine your life without this relationship. Not a break-up, but as though it had never happened. Would you still be vulnerable and suicidal? Now your relationship, is it the main cause of your irritation, or is it what keeps you from more vulnerability?
    If you do break up, what bothers you most: missing this particular person, or being lonely?
    You want to break up but there is something you cannot cut off yet. I don't know what it is and whether you should keep it or let go. Maybe if you think of all reasons you want this relationship, you will be able to find it - the most important reason(s). Then if you decide that that reason is not worth the trouble of it, it may be easier to let go.
     
  7. iam

    iam SF Supporter

    My wife and I went to relate a while back and like you say, having that third party there really helped. Probably more than my psychiatrist helped really.
     
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  8. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    I'm 24... and I'm not sure if I want to stay stuck in a relationship where I'm being lied to. Why would I choose that for the rest of my life? We care for each other sure. Is it love? I have no idea anymore. I don't feel loved when I'm being lied to. But I cant let go. That's the problem. That's the one problem in all of this.
     
  9. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    Thanks __d. These are some things I need to think about. Good questions.
     
  10. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    If he has been dishonest multiple times, and disrespected you repeatedly, then he is not good for you, no matter how much you may love him. I have dealt with similar situations before, and it took me to a bad place. I just don't want the same to happen to you. You deserve someone who loves and cares for you and won't lie. I am sorry you are struggling, and feel free to message me if you need to vent or just talk about whatever.
     
  11. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Maybe you cant let go because you believe there is something worth fighting for? People can and do change, sometimes, they just a little push in the right direction.
     
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  12. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    Thanks Witty. It's just hard to break something that I've invested so much in. And just thinking about letting him go and how it could hurt him... yeah I'm a sucker. But then I don't know why as he obviously isn't thinking about how he hurts me.
     
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  13. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    In some ways I think there is, but this relationship hurts me a lot. I know that's inevitable in relationships but... I'm really tired of feeling this way, like I don't have a life jacket or something to hold onto. Like I'm just floating out to sea, left empty and cold and wet and miserable.

    Sometimes it's really good between us and then he does things like this and I just feel... awful.
     
  14. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I have felt this way before, so I know how hard it is to let go sometimes. You see the good in him, but now you have to determine if the good outweighs the bad and if leaving him will help or hurt you.
     
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  15. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Well-Known Member

    This is a very tricky topic always from the outside even, as nobody can ever determine when it is time to let go or if you really should. That will always be for the person(s) involved. And it is an easier decision for some, and an easier process for some. I'm personally of the ride it till the wheels fall off variety--not sure if I would recommend it per se, but it does help me being able to say in hindsight I really gave it a more than fair shot, even if I think I gave maybe two extra chances that I didn't 'need to'. But I don't think you should ever stay in a situation that is eating your sanity.

    No one is perfect and one thing I can say truthfully is that everyone lies; sometimes we fixate on the lie that we found out and then imagine scenarios of even worse lies having happened or being possible in the future. Again, only you will know the impact of the actual lies you found out and if it would likely cause you more pain. Have you tried both written and oral communication on this issue?

    As to tips on letting go, I wish there were some magic switch but it really is a process day to day. Maybe getting out more or increasing your current schedule, maybe greater study times, or exercise times. Maybe catching a movie alone. Trying to do as much as you can to distract you from thinking of them. And of course cutting or reducing contact---again day by day.
     
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  16. twowolves80

    twowolves80 Darkness Incarnate; don't even bother

    Okay, first of all, stop with this, "Stay with him," bullshit. Period. This dude has lied to her, left her alone, never calls her when he doesn't show, stands her up, and then makes up outrageous excuses.

    Tell his ass off, leave him in the mess he's made, and then move on. You can do this, Britt. You are stronger than you think. And this wolf has your back. How many people can say that? It will take a few months, but you will move on, and you will find someone better. *hug
     
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  17. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    I know everyone lies, yet somehow that doesn't make me feel better. I cannot be in a relationship where everything feels like a lie. I am unstable enough as it is. I am insecure enough as it is and I like to believe I am smart enough to know when I'm being lied to. Because there's always a pattern. Always. And what kills me the most is what is he covering up? That's what I want to know. What is so awful, that he has to lie? If he came clean I could work through things, gladly. But he's not and he never will, because I have begged him to. I have showed him proof of my discoveries and still nothing. I'm tired of being the sucker and I'm tired of being the fool.

    There has been written and oral communication yes. I like your last tip. I may just see how that goes.
     
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  18. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, lies definitely can naturally add to insecurity. You sure are smart indeed. I was trying to play devil's advocate or give another perspective, just in case it is like lies while planning a surprise party, or to cover something embarrassing for him, not the lies which are simply indicative of disregard for you etc.

    Letting go: the hardest asana *hugs*
     
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  19. twowolves80

    twowolves80 Darkness Incarnate; don't even bother

    Distraction is key, Britt. Keep the conscious mind occupied with however you like to cope most, while the subconscious mind works through the pain. It will, give it time. And remember, having a cat will help.

    [​IMG]
     
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