Thank you for reading, sorry it's a bit long. The first and most important thing I can tell you is I have a extreme inability to communicate I have a really hard time expressing myself and it's been suggested I have mild asperger, I don't know if it's true but try to bare with me and I'll do my best to be as clear as I can. This is my second account here, I originally came here without knowing why I was depressed I now realize that it was a mix of things mostly feeling totally alone, I couldn't connect with anyone and still only feel understood on rare occasions. I didn't understand that at the time and I left this place hoping that if I stopped thinking about it it would get better, and I stopped thinking about it. I basically shut down emotionally after that and stopped myself from thinking about a lot of things and gave up a hope of all sort. I expected my whole life to play out like this, just going from one thing to another for no particular reason at all, and it was better but it didn't last long. I met a girl and she is closer to understanding me then anyone else, I've been happier then any other time in my life, and sadder. Feeling love and a sense of connection that I've never felt before is wonderful and it's much better then shutting down but I'm still as broken as I have ever been. I've spent the past 2 years trying really hard to be a little better at anything but it seems the only thing thats changed in our relationship is HOW I hurt her and in what ways I will let her down. I wanted to die before when I came here for help because I felt I couldn't take anymore, I have a whole new idea thats worlds apart from what I thought I could take. Before I had no reason for anything now I have something I care about far more then anything and all I can do is hurt her and give her pain, the punch line is that I know it would hurt her more if I died so my situation is that all I can hope for is hurting her is lesser ways. I would jump at the chance to got to hell forever and suffer in the most horrible way I can in exchange for nothing more then not hurting my girlfriend anymore. She doesn't feel the same of course, she thinks that I'm a really good person and that a lot of it is her fault. However a lot of our problems are compounded because for all the times we add to each other in positive ways we do the same when things go wrong, a typical fight will go like this: her: why don't you tell me you love me more often? me: I didn't think I was so horrible at that her: thats not what I was trying to say, quit making my problems into something about you me: (fail to explain myself and say something that sounds weird) her: (loses her temper and says things I know she doesn't mean because she feels I'm shifting the blame) me: (makes the same mistake I always make of thinking "if I yell loud enough she will understand that I feel strongly about it and we can talk normally") both: (more fighting) both: (Eventually get sick of getting nowhere and get depressed) The problem is that I need to tell her that I accept all blame with open arms and am always ready to do anything I can to make whatever I did if I feel I did it or not better in any way I can. But at the same time she doesn't want anything more from me then to understand how she feels and when I fail to tell her as I always do that I already understand (because I normally THINK I understand not that I always do) that I did everything wrong she feels as though I'm robbing her of her right to feel what she feels. Of course you must understand that this is only how I see things and isn't a fair way to see the situation but thats my take on it. The only thing I can think of to fix this is become a better person as I've been trying my hardest to do and haven't got anywhere. So thats it. TL;DR = I'm constant letting my girlfriend down and NEED to make things better but all I've been able to do is make things worse. Any ideas or questions?