Advice needed, my grilfriend is the only thing keeping me alive

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by ajink364, May 4, 2011.

  1. ajink364

    ajink364 Member

    Thank you for reading, sorry it's a bit long.
    The first and most important thing I can tell you is I have a extreme inability to communicate I have a really hard time expressing myself and it's been suggested I have mild asperger, I don't know if it's true but try to bare with me and I'll do my best to be as clear as I can.

    This is my second account here, I originally came here without knowing why I was depressed I now realize that it was a mix of things mostly feeling totally alone, I couldn't connect with anyone and still only feel understood on rare occasions.
    I didn't understand that at the time and I left this place hoping that if I stopped thinking about it it would get better, and I stopped thinking about it.
    I basically shut down emotionally after that and stopped myself from thinking about a lot of things and gave up a hope of all sort.

    I expected my whole life to play out like this, just going from one thing to another for no particular reason at all, and it was better but it didn't last long.

    I met a girl and she is closer to understanding me then anyone else, I've been happier then any other time in my life, and sadder.
    Feeling love and a sense of connection that I've never felt before is wonderful and it's much better then shutting down but I'm still as broken as I have ever been.
    I've spent the past 2 years trying really hard to be a little better at anything but it seems the only thing thats changed in our relationship is HOW I hurt her and in what ways I will let her down.

    I wanted to die before when I came here for help because I felt I couldn't take anymore, I have a whole new idea thats worlds apart from what I thought I could take.
    Before I had no reason for anything now I have something I care about far more then anything and all I can do is hurt her and give her pain, the punch line is that I know it would hurt her more if I died so my situation is that all I can hope for is hurting her is lesser ways.
    I would jump at the chance to got to hell forever and suffer in the most horrible way I can in exchange for nothing more then not hurting my girlfriend anymore.

    She doesn't feel the same of course, she thinks that I'm a really good person and that a lot of it is her fault.
    However a lot of our problems are compounded because for all the times we add to each other in positive ways we do the same when things go wrong, a typical fight will go like this:
    her: why don't you tell me you love me more often?
    me: I didn't think I was so horrible at that
    her: thats not what I was trying to say, quit making my problems into something about you
    me: (fail to explain myself and say something that sounds weird)
    her: (loses her temper and says things I know she doesn't mean because she feels I'm shifting the blame)
    me: (makes the same mistake I always make of thinking "if I yell loud enough she will understand that I feel strongly about it and we can talk normally")
    both: (more fighting)
    both: (Eventually get sick of getting nowhere and get depressed)

    The problem is that I need to tell her that I accept all blame with open arms and am always ready to do anything I can to make whatever I did if I feel I did it or not better in any way I can.
    But at the same time she doesn't want anything more from me then to understand how she feels and when I fail to tell her as I always do that I already understand (because I normally THINK I understand not that I always do) that I did everything wrong she feels as though I'm robbing her of her right to feel what she feels.

    Of course you must understand that this is only how I see things and isn't a fair way to see the situation but thats my take on it.
    The only thing I can think of to fix this is become a better person as I've been trying my hardest to do and haven't got anywhere.

    So thats it.
    TL;DR = I'm constant letting my girlfriend down and NEED to make things better but all I've been able to do is make things worse.
    Any ideas or questions?
  2. ShojoInk

    ShojoInk New Member

    I've seen a few similar situations tbh. Maybe writing a long letter would help? Write everything you feel. Maybe make a video blog to send her?
  3. ajink364

    ajink364 Member

    I could try that again.
    mind if I ask how it worked out for similar situations you mentioned?
  4. ShojoInk

    ShojoInk New Member

    I'm sorry for giving you a method you've tried. I realised you must have basically tried everything already =/ Sorry.

    Well the first couple, sometimes they seem like they're doing well and other days not so much. I worry about them, that they might lose themselfs to this relationship.
    The second couple broke up recently, had a break from each other and now they're back together. Stronger. I think the break did them good.
  5. Rayne

    Rayne Well-Known Member

    I'm going to be blunt. There is nothing more annoying than telling your boyfriend something is wrong and having him make it about himself.

    If I were to mention that to my boyfriend I would want it to go something like this -

    GF: Why don't you tell me you love me more often?
    BF: I didn't realise I wasn't saying it often enough - it's not that I don't love you. How often would you like me to tell you, ideally?

    Sort of a:
    1. Making it clear you're not doing it on purpose
    2. Trying to reassure her - if she has a problem, it's probably upsetting her and she might be a bit insecure
    3. Offer to hear her solution.

    I don't know if that pattern helps you at all, but I know I always get angry when my ex made any problem I mentioned a drama about himself. It felt like he didn't care about what I was feeling - he was being selfish. Even though I felt bad for hurting him at first, it very quickly turned into resentment and bitterness from me. Until I walked.

    I'm afraid you just have to stop taking every issue so personally. If she mentions something is wrong, she probably isn't trying to have a go. She is just trying to fix something that is upsetting her so you two can be a stronger couple.
  6. ajink364

    ajink364 Member

    ShojoInk no need to be sorry, theres a lot of things I haven't tried, I'm the type of person that when something doesn't work I forget and do the same thing like a idiot over and over so I really haven't tried that much.

    Thank you Rayne that sounds like really good advice.
    It's great to hear from someone thats been though this sort of thing before even though hearing that even though the part where you left him gave me the chills :s
    Last edited by a moderator: May 6, 2011
  7. Rayne

    Rayne Well-Known Member

    There was much more to it than just making my problems his own drama. He was too clingy and I completely stopped being attracted to him. And, most importantly, he never really tried to fix things when I talked about a problem (going back to the whole drama thing.)

    So don't worry. If you make an effort, the two relationships have very little in common.
  8. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Communication is definitely one of the main issues here. My ex and I would never fight aloud - we'd write notes to each other. I've no idea how that started, but it worked so well. When you're writing, you have time to think about what you're trying to say and you can be honest without your emotions making you say silly things you regret later. It's maybe a bizarre way of doing things, but it meant that our fights were rare and were resolved so quickly. It might be worth a shot.

    As Rayne said, you have to try to stop taking things personally. This sounds like a cliche or something, but girls want to feel that it's all about them - even when it's not! (Except when she's moaning about something you've done, or should have done, then woe betide you if you make it about her!) So in a senario like the one in your original post, she wants to hear that you love her more often because it will boost her self-esteem, not because you haven't been a good boyfriend and said it enough.

    Basically, I think you need to stop accepting all the blame for everything that goes wrong. There are two of you in this relationship, and if something is her fault, you can't just make that go away by saying that it's your fault. She is willing to be equal partners in your relationship, and you have to find a way to let that happen.

  9. ajink364

    ajink364 Member

    mim isn't funny you should bring up the notes because we are in a long distance relationship and when we have to talk over instant messages things do not go as well, I think it has to with my already being poor at communicating so when we are face to face she can read me better.
    It also might be the added stress of being apart so it could be worth a try next time it's a option.

    Rayne (or anyone else that has advice) one of the things she does that makes me totally flip out is sometimes as we fight she will tell me why I'm doing something or how I feel about something without asking me.
    Your last example was really cool could you give me another for if something like this was to happen:
    me:"she has nice hair" (I can think of about 100 things wrong with these 4 words but sometimes I say before I think and only realize what I really said days later so this happens)
    her:"what do you mean by that?"
    me: (gather my thoughts and try to answer her question as precisely as I can) "I mean I like that she has kind of unevenly colored hair"
    her: "mine isn't like that"
    me: "I like yours"
    her: "but you like hers better right?"

    Sometimes this will be even worse because I will say things totally wrong and I can only hope she will trust me when I say that I didn't mean to say that word and I should have said something else.
    Other times I don't know what to say or how to say it and just get pissed off, and I will yell at her that it's unfair of her to assume I'm 'one of those guys'.
    This example hasn't happened but it could happen (if she really cares about her hair that much), and not because I like someone elses hair more.

    Thanks again for everyones help and advice.
  10. Rayne

    Rayne Well-Known Member

    Oh dear. I'll admit I've gone crazy and had conversations like that before XD
    My boyfriend always handles it like this:

    BF: "She has nice hair."
    GF: "What do you mean by that?"
    BF: "I mean I like that she has kind of unevenly colored hair."
    GF: "Mine isn't like that."

    And then before it can turn into an argument..

    BF: "I know, but your hair isn't just nice - it's beautiful. You know how much I love it."

    Just realised how much of my crap my boyfriend actually puts up with, bless him XD But if you break that situation down, it turns into...

    BF: *Complements other girl*
    GF: *Starts to get worried, either jealous or insecure or both*
    BF: *Takes GF literally - restates what he just said in a way he genuinely believes is harmless*
    GF: *Considers this confirmation. He mentions the other girl because he likes it more. Suddenly becomes very insecure, feels hurt and not good enough for BF - becomes defensive*
    BF: *Counters this - reminds GF of how beautiful or gorgeous he thinks she is, then reminds her that he only has eyes for her - other girl is not competition*

    Though is your girlfriend like this all the time, or just sometimes?
    Hope this is helping.
  11. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    I don't want to swing this off into a tangent but I do have some input on this particular suggested exchange. You're asking the guy to respond in a way that is completely foreign to the male thought process, if you'll permit my sweeping generalization of the gender of which I'm a member.

    The problem is that the suggested reply implies that the guy will grasp the full complexity of the loaded question you have just dropped at his feet like a ticking time bomb that he must now defuse with great delicacy right away. The implication you've loaded in is that his decreased I Love You frequency is due to a potential decrease in actual love in your mind, and that an increased frequency from him would be interpreted by you as affirmation of actual love quality and strength. A man is unlikely to immediately decipher this meaning you've tucked in between the lines and so will probably see the question as a trap from which there is no possible clean escape.

    If I were to find myself broadsided by this question I would probably enter into an exchange along these lines:

    GF: Why don't you tell me you love me more often?
    Me: I don't?
    GF: you used to say it more
    Me: I did?
    GF: Yes!
    Me: ...oh *confused*
    GF: *storms off in a exasperated huff*

    In the GF's position, the point of the question is to affirm existing love and get BF to say I Love You more often. The best, and most clear, way to achieve this goal is this:

    GF: I like it when you say you love me. I'd really like it if you said it more often
    BF: okay.

    If BF agrees with the suggestion and puts it into practice, you've got your increased frequency and affirmation right there. If he refuses, well, that's also a clear answer to your question.

    My advice to women: please don't ask your boyfriends or husbands loaded questions like this. It's annoying and cruel.
  12. Rayne

    Rayne Well-Known Member

    I was actually trying to help the OP understand why it's such a loaded question - I am aware of how unfair it is and do always try to avoid such conversations with my own partner, but everyone makes mistakes. I do alwayss try to make clear to him what the actual problem is, but I can't think of a single way to ask a woman to just tell you what she wants if she doesn't already that isn't going to start an argument. I've also never actually had this conversation with my boyfriend, it was pure fiction.

    I thought that maybe having the OP see why she is reacting the way she does might help him learn how to counter it.

    And, in turn, you're asking women to act in a way that is (generally) completely foreign to their own. I cannot talk to the OP's girlfriend, so I can't really change the way she thinks about the situation and if he tries to I get the feeling it won't end brilliantly until he understands why she make act in a way he doesn't understand.
  13. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Oh absolutely, there's no denying that.

    was just trying to back up ajink364 with a little moral support from our side of the fence. Men the world over stumble into these treacherous conversations all the time. Don't sweat it too much.
  14. ajink364

    ajink364 Member

    We had another big fight and I eventually told her that I couldn't keep doing this and if we kept things up the way they are going that I'm going to snap and maybe kill myself.
    She gave up the whole fight and has been being really nice to me sense then and blame herself for everything.
    It isn't what I wanted at all and this isn't any more of a better way to deal with things then constantly fighting the fact is that we both want the same thing, she wants to know how I feel about certain things and I have a desperate need to be understood.

    I feel even more like I have no use in this world then ever and doing nothing about it will not help, but if I go back to the fight it only MIGHT help her feel better and is almost sure to make me feel much much worse.
    I don't really know what to do but I have to try something, I mostly just worry that I will snap and be of even less use to her.

    I don't think it's really fair to say it's cruel because it's just a matter of proper wording.
    Also I think that (at least with my girlfriend) it's much more of a matter of knowing why things are the way they are, if you suspect your lover says it less because they love you less just telling them to say it more often won't help the situation much at all.
    For me it helps when people are blunt and direct, I would prefer a "I'm worried that you don't love me as much because you don't say it as much as you use to" but I think people generally don't and wouldn't talk like this.
    The reason that helps me is because all the motivations are right in the sentence, and I think like most guys I tend to not think about motivations if they aren't put right in my face so another good way to do this might be "I'm lonely, how come you don't tell me you love me more?" I don't know if this world work as well for other but for me this would make me skip all the other stuff and go right to planing something romantic.
  15. Rayne

    Rayne Well-Known Member

    You need to remember that your girlfriend obviously loves you, very much so - I know it's easier said than done, but you need to hang in there for her, if nothing else.

    Perhaps you could write down a few of the things you said in that last post about being more blunt. Explain that you want to help your relationship, but to do so you think small changes from both of you might help. Ask if there is any way she could be more blunt if something is upsetting her, but say it kindly. Explain that you don't want her to hurt but you find it hard to help when things happen as they do. But make sure you don't make it sound like you're pushing all the blame right onto her.