Advice Needed Please...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Anam_Cara, Dec 22, 2011.

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  1. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    I have a real dilemma. Really need some advice and don't know where to turn. I can't stress how at my wits end i am...

    Due to disabilities, my teenage daughter and myself are forced to live with a relative. My relative constantly criticizes or demeans me in front of my daughter, and has basically ripped my position of authority out from under me. Daughter respects my relative and kisses up to them, while treating me like i am her doormat. She constantly does things to me, spiteful things, stealing things of mine and hiding them, lying to my relative and accusing me of saying or doing things i havent done. my relative ALWAYS believes my daughter who goes to her crying crocodile tears if i say anything. im always the bad guy, and my relative always comes after me. i don't know what to do anymore. i'd move out if i had another relative to move in with, or friends... i have neither. and i can not afford to live alone. wouldn't survive alone financially, emotionally, physically or mentally. I can't take the constant lies from my daughter, im damned if i do damned if i dont... it's enough to make me wish i could just end everything and get away from everyone.
  2. Sigurd

    Sigurd New Member

    Dear Anam Cara, I have compassion for your dilemma and its many complications. These are my thoughts but they are certainly not guaranteed or really very well informed so make sure you agree with them before you think to act on them. It is fine if you don't agree with them. I know this is hard. I don't think you have an easy solution.

    How old is your daughter?

    If your daughter is an adult or mostly an adult you may have to tell her your feelings and find a new place to live. I would not talk to your relatives because it sounds like they are not really talking to you. Thank them for providing for your daughter and find a new place.

    You are a good person and you need a place where you can live a good life. It may take your daughter some time to realize that. Personally I don't think you can regain people's respect by what you say, only by what you do. Is there a place you could go as a retreat for a little while at least? Would your daughter be safe in that space without you around? A great deal depends on your daughter and your responsibilities to her as her mom. You need to be strong for your daughter but you have to find a space to start again. Your daughter may not see that immediately. Whatever you do don't expect her to understand.

    Look after you and find your center. Then you will regain people's respect.

    When you find a more wholesome place offer your daughter the chance to join you. Unless your daughter is very young she will have decisions to make and live with too.

    If your daughter is a minor your decisions may not be that different but you will have to either take your daughter with you or talk to the relative. It is possible that if your relative sees you are serious enough to leave things might change. If at all possible I would not count on relationship change without physical change. Your relative may not respect you because they don't believe you can support yourself.

    Whatever you do. Try to be very methodical. This has to be a very considered choice. Reduce your costs, pay any debts you can, and look for any social programs that can help you. You are worth the work and investment.

  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Not knowing your daughter, it is difficult to say how to respond to her directly, but one thing that did come to mind was for you to seek professional advise and strengthen yourself...what an awful situation, to feel 'less than' because of a disabling condition and then to be demeaned in this way...I am so sorry...please continue to tell us how you are doing so that you know how valuable you are and that her behavior does not reflect your worth
  4. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    Things are better today... I had an argument with the relative in question and in a sense put them in their place. it subdued the tension for the time being. I wish i did have a place to retreat to in moments, i have a good situation, no rent, just help with some of the minor bills, transportation is paid, meals cooked. we have a good financial situation and its the only way we can survive right now. My daughter is in her mid-teens and has had a hard time dealing with her father's absence in her life. I think she blames me for this. In all honesty due to my health and circumstances, my relative has virtually raised my daughter since age 2... it's not going to be easy to correct but im doing the best i can.. get overwhelmed frequently
  5. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    Give up custody and let the state deal with her.
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