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Advice needed

adamjam

Well-Known Member
#1
I have a 16yr old son, and we are both struggling right now. I have been having a lot of flashbacks and it takes a lot out of me, my son has started to insult me. He calls me lazy and a bad parent, if I ask him to do something he mocks and insults my request. This really just makes it worse for me and I've tried talking to him a little, though I'm not sure how much detail to give, so I give very little. This is very unlike him so I know he's having a hard time with how I am lately and I understand how it looks like I'm lazy and a bad parent, I kind of am. Is there anyone who can offer some insight or anything?
 

BraveFace

SF Supporter
#2
Hi adamjam, sorry you're going through this. I can't really offer any insight as I don't have a children, though I just wanted to say I was a right cow to my mum at that age and too thought she was lazy. We get on alright now. She never gave any details of what she was going through at that time.
Maybe just give each other some space for now? Get some strength for yourself and offer something simple to him first... like a snack or a drink if you are making one for yourself? Very small steps, to help keep it consistent on your part. Just a suggestion, so do feel free to ignore it from someone who doesn't have children.
I hope you get some rest to feel better, and I am pretty sure that parents on here will be able to offer something more practical. Take care
 

BraveFace

SF Supporter
#4
My pleasure, it's got to be really hard for you at the moment. I was being quite reserved when I said I was a cow... of course I can say that now being older. Mum would just give me space, and while she pretty much ignored me (i case I blew up at her and made mean comments) she would occasionally make my favourite dinner without comment, or just do that snack thing.
It is probably different for boys...so I am a bit stumped there! Do you have anyone you could talk to?
 

Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#6
Hi adamjam

I agree with @BraveFace, I was an absolute bitch to my mum at 16 and my son was a nightmare at 16. My experience with my friends who have kids is that theirs were horrible too. They will use whatever they can to beat us with and always seem to know our weak spots. I think it's just a part of growing up that lots of kids seem to go through. They're beginning to spread their wings and to break away from us. I've wondered if it's even a subconscious way for them to make leaving home easier - if you're not getting on as well it won't feel as bad when you leave.

Having said that, my 21 year old daughter is being hideous at the moment. It feels like she absolutely hates me. Everything I do or say is met with an eye roll or sarcasm. She's constantly making jokes about my intelligence, my weight, my friends. She orders me around like a princess "Make me some lunch" "If you loved me you'd make me a hot chocolate" "If you were a good mother you'd tidy my room for me." I haven't worked since my breakdown three years ago which she was fully aware of. She tells me I'm lazy for not working, even though I've applied for jobs. She tells me it's not fair on her dad having to support me and I should feel guilty for putting him through any worry. It's breaking my heart as we've always been so close. She's obviously very angry with me for what I put the family and her through and I guess that's natural. I've tried talking to her about it but she just gets defensive and tells me I'm being stupid. So I'm trying to stick to my boundaries, telling her that her behaviour isn't acceptable but making sure I show her how much I love her in other little ways like planning her favourite dinners, giving her funny little cards I find, telling her how proud I am of her etc. I honestly don't know if it will work but at least I'll know I've tried.
 
#7
Hi @adamjam

i like the input so far. Teenagers are complex creatures. As i think back, i recall that is the age i started needing intervention for mental health issues. there is soooo much change at 16. Mental, physical, hormones, peer pressure, wants vs needs, sexuality, studies, friends, and the isolation. Its all so overwhelming. He prob doesn’t know why he's so mean spirited right now.

We do the best we can with what we have for our kids. I often feel the urge to apologize to my kids. They deserved better.

try to avoid confrontation when he is so hurtful. I want to lash out. Thats never helpful. keep it simple, perhaps respond with “that’s hurtful” “is something troubling you?”
Try to engage him. ”how is your day going?” “Anything make you laugh today?” Seen any good memes?
try to find some common ground thats not mean spirited. Be kind to yourself.
 

adamjam

Well-Known Member
#8
Thanks everyone for the wonderful advice and camaraderie. I too was absolutely terrible as a teen. I did what I wanted, when I wanted and my parents allowed this, so it's hard for me to know what "normal" for a teen to act. The area we live in is still under a lockdown so it's even harder for him to access the outlets he does have, not to mention our community is suffering badly and it bothers him to see 50yr old businesses getting shut down for good. I used to always work and I'm not right now so we have been cooped up together for quite some time. Which bothers everyone haha.
 

adamjam

Well-Known Member
#11
I'm not sure if this is still an issue, or if you want more replies.

Would sending your 16 y.o. to live with his dad be an option?
This has stopped yes, I took the advice offered here and basically ignore him, its been surprisingly working and strengthened our relationship seems odd but whatever lol, his bio dad (is not my husband) and has delusional schizophrenia and really has not been a part of my kids life, now if my brother were still alive.. got a letter in the mail yesterday that he is truant, threatened me with arrest. Long story short It's all getting taken care of today and thus far he has done everything necessary to ensure mom doesn't go to court. I had to call the truant officer, he lectured me so that was fun. Sorry for rambling on, thanks though for replying :)
 

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