Advice Needed

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ParanoidGirl, Jun 2, 2012.

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  1. ParanoidGirl

    ParanoidGirl Member

    Hi Everyone,

    I dont know if any of you remember me, I was here last November, sat with all my pills I wanted to end it all but was scared.

    You all helped me and I contacted a helpline who talked with me for quite some time until the panic passed.

    I have had the most terrible 6 months, something like a really bad soap opera, the problem is this, my doctor thinks I may have suffered a nervous breakdown in January and has referred my for emergency counselling but this could still take 4-6 weeks.

    The major problem I have is this, since January I have spent 8K on my company credit card and I honestly dont know what I have been doing, my full history is below, but my personality totally changed after Christmas, I have become distgustingly flirty, coarse and open. I have been "acting" overly happy and cheerful and optimistic, when actually I was just dying inside, every day. I am a receptionist and Facility Manager which doesnt afford me the ability to just be myself, I have to be cheerful and accomodating.

    Here is my history:
    • Nov 2011
    o Partner of 14 years goes away on business trip to Asia for 3 weeks
    o Partner returns and leaves home needing time to think
    o Caroline celebrates birthday alone
    o Caroline Admitted to A&E with SVT
    • Dec 2011
    o Ex-Partner tells her he needs time to think and there is no one else
    o Caroline spends Christmas break alone
    o Caroline attempts suicide
    o Caroline admitted to A&E with SVT
    o Caroline spends New Year alone
    • Jan 2012
    o Ex-Partner still reassures her he needs time to think
    o Caroline is scheduled for a Cardiac Ablation Operation
    o Ex-Partner is away in Canada at that time
    o Caroline goes through heart operation & recovery only with support of colleagues
    o Ex-Partner removes all financial assistance
    o Caroline comes off her anti-depressants to be able to stop smoking using Champix
    • Feb 2012
    o Ex-Partner reveals he fell in love whilst Asia with a colleague, we both know
    o He left Caroline for her, Caroline is devastated, again
    o Ex-Partner empties her apartment whilst she is at work, leaving only a few items
    o Caroline tries to be strong and negotiates new role with increased salary
    o Caroline for the first time in months thinks things are going her way
    • Mar 2012
    o Reliance announce merger with Norlands
    o Caroline is openly devastated at announcement, the thoughts of losing her friends and security.
    o Caroline starts to spiral without her medication, but believes she will be strong enough
    o Caroline displays uncharacteristic behaviour, openly flirty and coarse
    o Caroline feels out of control but feels that work is levelling her and providing purpose
    • Apr 2012
    o Many redundancies occur at Feltham
    o Morale is extremely low and atmosphere is oppressively negative
    o Caroline tries to remain chirpy and cheerful and raise peoples spirits
    o Caroline visits doctors to resume anti depressant medication
    o Caroline is scolded by doctor for taking herself off them
    o Counselling is offered but with a 4 month wait time
    • May 2012
    o Caroline discovers that her partner, who left 6 months ago, conceived a child with his
    girlfriend 5 months ago.
    o Caroline’s hope is destroyed, any chance of reconciliation obliterated.
    o Caroline’s medication will not take effect for another 3 weeks
    o Caroline approaches ex partner to apologise for spends on his credit card
    o Ex-Partner reveals no spends on his card
    o Caroline logs in to Spendvision to discover all spends have been on company card
    o Caroline informs Arek in HR of error

    • 6 Month Overview

    o Caroline just “goes through the motions”
    o Feels as if she is running on auto pilot
    o Caroline displays uncharacteristic behaviour
    o Becomes un organised and forgetful
    o Caroline was tormented by her ex-partner, giving false hope, only to crush her over and over again
    o Caroline’s financial situation is dire and she has trouble eating and sleeping
    o Caroline took herself off her lifelong anti depressants in a bid to quit smoking
    o Caroline spiralled into depression and masked it by being, flirty, suggestive and coarse

    The problem I have is that I owned up to the spend and now I have a Gross Misconduct hearing on Thursday.

    I cannot lose my job, jobs here in the UK are scarce and after everything I have lost I cannot lose my home. I have 4 cats which are my life, I have no family or friends. If I lose my home, I lose my cats, I just dont know what I can do too keep my job and wondered if anyone here can advise me.

    I have sold my car and some chairs I own so I can pay them 2K immediately and have devised a repayment plan over 27 months. My reviews have always been fantastic having worked there for 3 years. I have always been regarded as honest and trustworthy, but the past 6 months something went wrong and everything became fuzzy.

    Any advise would be greatly appreciated, if nothing else, this is clearing the fog and re prioritising everything in my head, but I need to keep my job.

    Caroline x x x x x
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 2, 2012
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I wish you were back under better terms, but so glad you remembered we are here...of course you are feeling as you do...being abandoned is quite is so difficult to hold in one's mind that the pathology is the other person's when feeling that way...and about your cats being your life...I truly understand, as I have a huge himalayan with tabby markings who is my main squeeze main advise is to not underestimate the value of the caring here...hold on to it and allow others to hold on to have done what you can to try to restore the money spent on the company's credit card, and admited to the error are a good person for whom bad things has happened...I hope you can hold on to that too...welcome back and please continue to let us know what is going on
  3. ParanoidGirl

    ParanoidGirl Member

    Today I got fired, there is no light now, the tunnel just gets darker and longer and im so tired.
  4. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    Over a year ago, my job forced me off due to a disability. I fought like mad to keep my job but they won, forcing me on an UNPAID medical leave. For years when I was working I constantly stopped going to the doctor and made my health second or even third in my life because it was the only way to pay my bills.

    I was so depressed and thought I was finished because I have a fourteen year old daughter and a cat to take care of. Over a year later, Im still here...still fighting. I'm even more disabled than I was back then and my health has made a turn for the worse but I made a commitment to myself that I would keep fighting. Everything happens for a reason even when we may not know what that is at the time.

    With this time off, I had lots of time for self reflection and have even published two books. Keep fighting.
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