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advice on folllowing?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by scaryforest, Jan 31, 2014.

  1. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    ok, i have a friend and she loves me a lot and it's long distance.

    she is in a lot of debt and student loans, lives with parents who do not nurture (mother is the biggest control freak one ever knew), does courses that do not challenge her, has health issues and doesn't get decent sleep because stays up all night talking to me. says it's worth it.
    this has been going on for nearing two years at least or that is how long i have known her

    everyone else says cut contact with her 'cause i'm not good for anyone like that
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2014
  2. bananas

    bananas Member

    It's a shame nobody has any advice on this, cause not like it's such a strange, out of the blue problem.

    I'm not "advising" since I am that friend in question.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2014
  3. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    So what's the problem? Who cares what everyone else thinks. Sounds like a pretty good thing to me!
  4. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    secondary opinion
    there's a lot wrong
  5. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    also, rofl foLLLowing
  6. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    I don't think you have to cut off contact completely, but if she is disrupting your life, you definitely need to cut BACK the chats. Start by asking her if she has anyone else she can talk to. Explain to her that you want to help but you are not a professional and she would benefit from a therapist who is unbiased. Also, it's not okay to avoid sleep, for either of you. This woman needs to sleep and so do you. Absolutely draw the line at talks that go into 2 or 3 am.......if she wants to stay up, that's fine. But you need to go to bed, stop responding to her messages if she doesn't respect your request. Friendship has to go both ways.
  7. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    i think it's the other way round (i function ok sleepwise and that) but she doesn't wanna admit it or come to terms that as pleasant as it is talking to me, it's messing up her life and in past when i've left she can't even function without me and bombards me.
  8. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    It sounds like maybe you have developed a co-dependency? You need to have a serious talk with her. Co-dependent friendships can be emotionally toxic.
  9. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    This is more complicated than I first observed. There's got to be a balance there. You need to try to nurture a healthy relationship such that it does not become destructive. Figure out reasonable limits / boundaries - that you can hopefully both agree on - and set them. Are you happy? Is she? Does the good outweigh the bad? Or is it a burden on either one of you? A friendship is a beautiful thing to waste...
  10. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    here's the big question.... do u like her calling so much or no? if not, have you told her explicitly that you do not like the amount of times she calls and/or the length of time you guys talk? if yes.... then i don't see the problem...
  11. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    demuredawn, we talk for whole nights in row and write a lot during days.

    she has noone she speaks to irl on a personal level. sometimes she says she wants to. sometimes she says she doesn't care, she just wants me in her life.

    i don't like it when we talk it sometimes gets so that she gets hysterical, starts comparing herself to everyone else in my life and everyone in hers. and well, pretty much anyone ever and says she's scared of me, scared of everything, future. and this goes on for usually one to two to... seven hours

    mrbgone, "a friendship is a beautiful thing to waste..." is what i also thought when this whole thing was setting off

    i like it other times it's all nice friendly even intimate atmosphere but it's rare. i suppose we cling to some bygone era where she was better off in her mental health

    every time we reach some sort of understanding where she rationalizes and says she'll take my advice she'll go back on that word and fall back into bad patterns. i don't even believe anymore that it's my influence. i think it's her. scared of change, scared of compromise, stuck

    oh also, co dependency sounds about half right, tbh, i'm very aloof and would probably not miss her so much. just some exchanges of words or how we drank together to band gigs and gamed together but not actually miss her as a person anymore

    this post seems lengthy but i was contemplating writing here last night.
    sometimes i go away and have my own life without her too and she gets very unreasonable then. oh yeah and now she's fallen asleep on me yet again or something after just ten mins prior saying she wasn't sleepy

    also if i leave i don't want her to stalk me or kill herself (both of which she either does or talks of)
    hectic post is hectic
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 13, 2014
  12. bananas

    bananas Member

    scaryforest, i would publicly like to apologize to you. i never knew how you felt. but this is a wake up call.
    i'm so sorry.
    i have been very wrong.

    anyone have any advice?
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Set boundaries. And if those boundaries aren't respected, then back away.
  14. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Don't let others tell you you're not worth it for anybody else.
  15. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    i got rid of the co- dependency on my part.
    had to do some pretty extreme shit but she's backed off and we're doing better seemingly.

    thank you for replying and giving opinions and advice
    'cause i often feel like i can't open up here about self and so on personally and this was well...