Advice, or just.. comments.. ? I don't know.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Sa Palomera, Mar 30, 2009.

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  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Okay, so I told someone I'd post as little as possible on here, but this is something I feel I need to share, as I'm not quite sure what to do or where to go with this.

    Most of the people who've spoken to me over the last two months will know that I'm in a long distance relationship with someone I met on here. Things are going really well between us, of course sometimes we get rather emotional, but that is to be expected with a partner you met on a suicide forum. And there are little arguments now and again, as we're both rather stubborn, but it only makes us stronger really.

    But yeah, to get to my point.

    For years at an end now I've told the ones around me that I wouldn't keep living in the Netherlands, that I'd move away to a country where English is the native language. Up to like half a year ago, the plan was that I'd go to university here in September, and that I would move away in about 6 years, when I've graduated and worked for a year or maybe two, to save up money.
    Lately I've been thinking more and more about it, and if all goes well in August (which is when I'll be going to visit my partner), I think I don't want to go to university in September. I'd rather just work another few months and then when my partner comes over here with Christmas and New Year, go back with her to the US in January. Permanently.

    There are some things that make me hesitant about it though. Firstly there's the fear that I will disappoint my family yet again. Not so much my parents. They know about the relationship, and they also know that I want to move away from here. I reckon they might even somehow feel that I want to move away sooner than originally planned. So eventhough I do worry about it, I don't worry about it as much as about something else. My uncle sort of made me promise back in November that I would go back to uni or college this year in September. And people who know me well know that promises are a big deal to me. I've broken a few promises which have caused me a LOT, and now I try not to make promises anymore. There's only one person whom I've made promises to over the last months and those are only promises I know I can keep. It breaks my heart to break a promise, but I really felt pressured into making that promise to my uncle.

    On the other hand there's the bit where I'm a bit hesitant about moving because, what if I'm not ready? I know that if we settle down, I can have my cat over there too, which is rather important to me, however I would be willing to leave her with my mate if need be. But.. It IS a huge step and as much as I feel more and more that I've kinda *had* it with the Netherlands, that I want to move away from here, that I'm really just like.. done with this place.. Maybe I'm not ready? Or maybe I'm just scared cos of it being such a big step. It's not like I'd be moving to the other side of the country. I'd move to another side of an ocean, where they speak another language, where things are different in regards to laws, general openminded-ness, etc.

    Someone told me something which got me thinking really. He thought I was doing something I've always done... Run away. What if that is the case? Maybe it is like that. But, it wouldn't be just running away, it would also be a perfect timing. I feel like I'm done here, like this place is getting too small for me, I need to get away from here, but at the same time I can chase a dream of mine, start a new life in another country, where English is the native language. And something that's only become a priority in my life over the last months; gain stability, family-wise. Settle down somewhere to start a family. Have children, a steady job, some pets, an appartment/flat/house.

    I know there's always the question: what if I don't feel at place in the USA (which is something I'm rather scared of as well). But I'm lucky enough to have a partner who would be willing to move to another place and/or country with me if that would be the case.

    I'm not sure what I want with this post, why I post it. I would like to get other people's ideas/thoughts/views on this, possibly people who've experienced something similar even? I guess this is partly to sort my own head too. It's good to write it down.

    I guess I'd just like some input on this from people other than my house mates and coworkers.

    If you've managed to read all through this, thank you for taking the time to read it. I appreciate it muchly.

    Est. x
     
  2. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    James.
     
  3. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your input James.

    To explain the family things. I moved away from my dad, stepmum and sister in August 2006, when I was 18 years old. I moved to a place two hours away from them, to go to university. I dropped out of university due to my depression and the course not really being "it" for me. I kept on living where I live now, a big house with a total of 10 people (including me) of the ages between 18 and 26 years old.

    In the past my family and I haven't always gotten along, in fact we've had practically no contact from February 2007 to Easter 2008. Nowadays we're on rather good terms as we've learned to let go and give each other space over the year of no contact. I'm on the phone with my step mother about once a week and I go down to visit them about once every 2 months or so.
    I've neverr been someone to be very close with family. Friends to me are more important as they are the support network you choose. You know you have things in common with them because you wouldn't hang out with them if you didn't. Family just is your family. You are stuck with them whether you have things in common or not. Take my sister and I. I didn't realise any relative could have as little in common as we have. Hence why we only see each other about 4 to 6 times a year.


    About the wait and see how things go in August; that was my plan indeed, hence why I put "if all goes well in August".

    Also I do have back up plans, for example when I'm moving there I'll make sure I have enough money stalled to be able to go back to the Netherlands if need be. Also I'd be willing to take on any job in the US to start. I wish to work there for a year or something, and save up money to go to a college, to get a degree, which immediately also covers education to get a hopefully stable job.

    As for the relocating. I'm going to Oklahoma, and I know it will take a lot of adjustment from my side to get used to living there. Thankfully my partner is very supportive in everything. And I would definitely give it a few months at least. It's bound to be hard in the beginning to adjust, which is why I obligate myself to stay at least a few months before I decide I can't be or can be happy there. I most definitely would not want to be there, after a few weeks decide I don't like it and then move away. that way you can keep moving your entire life, and that's not something that would make me happy, nor something i'd want to do to my partner.

    As for the language, I'm lucky to know a fair bit of English and I'm lucky to be very interested in different cultures and countries, which means I will enjoy reading into the history, language, cultures and everything in regards to the US.

    The staying objective and make decisions considering all the practical stuff, rather then letting my heart decide for me is indeed something I find difficult, which is why I talk about it a lot. I will be the first to admit that moving to the US is something that is definitely influenced by my heart and the love I feel for my partner. Especially since I've always said I wouldn't want to live in the US because of the way laws are there and the health system. However, I've never been there so can't really judge, can I? Maybe when I'm there in August I'll like it after all. It's something we'll have to see. I do know that I will have to keep in mind that no country is perfect, that in every country there will be something I don't like. For the Netherlands it's mainly the language, for the US the laws and regulations in regards to the health system. And it's something like that in every country.
     
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Well, you have a back up plan, so like you said, if you don't like it after a few months then you can always move back.
    You seem to have a fair bit of flexibility which will take some pressure of you.
    Keep thinking about it and getting opinions, etc and hopefully things will become more clear for you.
     
  5. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    all i can say is
    dont think about the what if's
    that wont bring you anywhere
    go for it
     
  6. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Sorry for being so pessimistic!

    James.
     
  7. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Est, I say go for it. Yes, it will be a huge change, but I bet it will be great. Plus, what if you don't go? You'd probably always wonder what would have happened if you did.

    Honestly, Oklahoma is NOT as bad as everyone says it is. Yeah, it'll take some getting used to, but what place wouldn't?

    :arms:
     
  8. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    I think it would be a pity if you didnt take up university, its something you've wanted to do for a long time. I dont know how it works in the U.S, but as an overseas student here, you pay an absolute fortune, upfront, I suspect it would cost you a tonne of money to attempt university in the U.S, im sure as a native in the netherlands it would be a lot cheaper, and probably a lot easier than studying in a foreign land.

    That said, long distance relationships are incredibly hard to maintain long term, I think we've all noticed that over the last couple years. If you really want to give this relationship the very best chance of working out, then sooner, rather than later, you guys have to get together.

    I dunno, you have a backup plan in place so nothing stoping you overall, go for it.

    p.s I'd rather live in the Netherlands than the U.S lol...but thats just me.
     
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