Advice, or just knowing I am not alone would help.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Unwilling, Dec 9, 2009.

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  1. Unwilling

    Unwilling Member

    Well, I am nearly 20 with no job, going to college, and severely depressed with existential issues. I try my hardest not to be seen as depressed, and for the most part I succeed. It has been only recently that I revealed to my girlfriend of 3 years my secret urges to kill myself. I felt so weak that I asked her to call and tell my father how I feel, even though I live with him. He is the only family I can turn to. Even after I let all this out on them, I still have problems talking about it, especially since my girlfriend is going through tough times of her own.

    There is an overwhelming hopelessness and sense of inability that I cant shake off. I feel so behind than others my age since I have no job, or car, or hell even a license. I don't even see the very point of finishing work for college. I feel like an unwilling organism being shoved closer to death every second. I see things as so futile that its hard to get out of bed.

    I have been suicidal before, and even got so far as to <Mod Edit- Acy - methods> , and now I find myself at it again. I keep making little "dead lines," like if I don't get a job by one point I may as well end it, or if I turn 20 and things are not looking promising. Recently I even told myself that I was going to do it that weekend. The weekend came and went, but the prospect still stands. It is even scarier that these "goals" give me a kind of motivation, like the kind of gall you get when you know things wont matter.

    This feeling fluctuates, but is ever present. The worst part is that I cant stop myself from disguising it. I use excuses like "I am okay I am just tired," then proceed to act as if I were the happiest man in the world. I want support, and yet when I tell them I feel like a burden.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 11, 2009
  2. john dough

    john dough Member

    You are not alone... I am 39, and remember what it was like to be your age. Life is not easy, but things can change so fast. Bad becomes good day to day, & month to month. Don't give up now, your life has just begun. I have found great support here. Spend some time and chat with the great people here that have had or are going through the same feelings as you. I wish you luck, and support to you. welcome!
  3. Unwilling

    Unwilling Member

    Thanks John. I really hope things change and with it my outlook. I have often thought that maybe I just need something to keep me busy so my mind doesn't wander so much. Getting a job, and settling on a major, maybe moving out all are things I want to get my life on track, but they just seems so distant when getting out of bed is a challenge in itself.
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Coming here will help. Posting gets it out of your head so it doesn't build up. You may want to start a diary here, public or private, the choice is yours. I have a public diary and I read a few of the other diaries.


    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    your definatly not alone. the more you post and read, the more you will get out of this site and you will begin to change the way you feel.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think seeking professional help would be wise as well. Psychologist to help you see why these feelings are there. Perhaps try antidepressant as it does tend to help take edge off the sadness. I don't know it just helps to have someone guide you a person who you can be open with and not be afraid of being that burden to. take care
  7. Unwilling

    Unwilling Member

    I kept cycling between content, to wanting to kill myself. I really hate this yoyo. It seems that I have wasted too much time, I dicked around too much, and now I will be a failure for it. I will start my first paying job in a little and I hope I don't screw up. Not to mention its just a part time job... that provides shitty hours. I always had dreams that I would be out on my own by this point. I think that by the end of next year there are people my age with bachelors degrees when I cant seem to even manage community college. I don't want to live in my parents house till I am twenty five. There used to be people who held so much promise for what I could become in the future... and all I am is a leech to my father.
  8. loser

    loser Well-Known Member

    I just had my bike stolen - it was a trek fairly new.
    It was bad omen - the other things I not talk about.
    I used to drive but would not want a car now.
    Would recommend getting a bike. But be careful where you park it.
    I did lock it up but not as sensibly as I should have done because was feeling low.
    That is trouble. Feel bad and then do things that make it worse for myself.
    Just be more sensible than I am.
    Should not be too difficult for you
  9. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    Dont be so quick to want to leave the nest, leave when you are ready...I left the nest at 16 and now at almost 27 I wouldnt hesitate to move back with my mom...being in my apartment is very lonely and it got me even more depressed than I realised...there's plenty of youngsters who stay with their parents for a looooong time...

    Nowadays its very hard to have an apartment on a job's regular paycheck...almost impossible really...that's why so many youngsters end up going back to live with their parents....there's nothing wrong with needing a little help...that's what your parents are for to help you until you are able to fly on your own...there's no age limit to that...

    perhaps you should see a therapist or psychiartrist so they can assest your situation and treat you accordingly...maybe give you meds that will help you manage your sadness and depression...

    The fact that you told your girlfriend and your dad is very good though...this way they are aware of how you are feeling and they can support you better...I can relate to the feeling of being a burden but please dont stop talking...they'd rather know your not feeling well than find you in a room with all your brain matter splashed on the walls...
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Don't be in such a big hurry to move out.. Todays economy makes it hard to live on your own.. Most people working don't have job security like they use to..I see on the news all the time people getting let go because of budget cuts.. It sounds like you and your dad get along.. Try spending more time just talking with him.. Get to know who he is and about his past..In my opinion it takes two paychecks coming in to be able to live on your own.. So you would have to get your girlfriend to move in and work or find a roommate who has a job.. You don't need the xtra burden of having to support someone else.. I hope you find the path you need to follow.. There are so many out there..Good Luck!!
  11. ShalenaM

    ShalenaM Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for this and I can only sympathize.
    I really do hope things get better for you, you know.
    It bites to feel this way or to even think the way some of us do...

    But I'm glad we can come here to vent it out,
    its better than leaving all inside.

    If it makes you feel any better, I have no car, no permit, no liscence, no job, nor am I in college and I'm 19.

    Nor do I have a boyfriend.

    We can both be glad we have access to a computer though.

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