Well, I am nearly 20 with no job, going to college, and severely depressed with existential issues. I try my hardest not to be seen as depressed, and for the most part I succeed. It has been only recently that I revealed to my girlfriend of 3 years my secret urges to kill myself. I felt so weak that I asked her to call and tell my father how I feel, even though I live with him. He is the only family I can turn to. Even after I let all this out on them, I still have problems talking about it, especially since my girlfriend is going through tough times of her own. There is an overwhelming hopelessness and sense of inability that I cant shake off. I feel so behind than others my age since I have no job, or car, or hell even a license. I don't even see the very point of finishing work for college. I feel like an unwilling organism being shoved closer to death every second. I see things as so futile that its hard to get out of bed. I have been suicidal before, and even got so far as to <Mod Edit- Acy - methods> , and now I find myself at it again. I keep making little "dead lines," like if I don't get a job by one point I may as well end it, or if I turn 20 and things are not looking promising. Recently I even told myself that I was going to do it that weekend. The weekend came and went, but the prospect still stands. It is even scarier that these "goals" give me a kind of motivation, like the kind of gall you get when you know things wont matter. This feeling fluctuates, but is ever present. The worst part is that I cant stop myself from disguising it. I use excuses like "I am okay I am just tired," then proceed to act as if I were the happiest man in the world. I want support, and yet when I tell them I feel like a burden.