um..... this is going to sound really weird and awkward. i'm not used to talking about this shit. a couple of months ago, i started seeing this guy. i thought he was really great. i stopped cutting and everything, and i've kind of been wrapped around his finger. i stopped cutting 'cause he asked me to. he really did. i haven't dated anyone in years. now i feel like i have to practice what to say to him, and every time he comes around i forget all my stupid ass monologues i've written. he's such a prick. i don't know what to do. it's just that every time he's around, i feel like dying and i take him back and do his work for him. i know he's just using me and I try to tell myself that i deserve it, and maybe i do. i don't know. but he's like a fucking drug. he comes over and i tell him i love him. i really do. we made plans last week to go somewhere and he never showed up. the next day he had a massive fucking hickey right on his neck. i hate him so much, but i can't stop loving him. he's like a fucking disease. i don't know what to do. i know this probably sounds really stupid. it seems sometimes like the more i suffer, the purer things should get, but that never happens. i wake up in the morning and my whole body is so sore and i haven't felt genuinely happy in so long i don't remember what it felt like. every day my thoughts drift to the noose, the knife, the gun... ANYTHING. i don't know what i should do. i'm so sorry to whine to you all. i know i'm just one more idiot on the long and winding road and there's nothing anyone can do if i feel like shit other than say that they hope i get better soon. people tell me to snap out of it. i don't know. i'm so sorry.