Advice please

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chris1978, Sep 2, 2013.

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  1. Chris1978

    Chris1978 New Member

    Hi, I'm at rock bottom here and really need some help...

    Im 35, pretty much a failure in everything, many failed relationships, addiction issues, financial issues and whilst I've ocassionally flirted with depression and thoughts of suicide I feel that this time there is no way out of the darkness.

    A short while ago a very close friend and I became closer, I'd been in love with her for months and one day we got together, days later we made love and a connection was felt that I'd not had before. I knew before that that she was the woman I wanted to be with. She had just come out of a relationship with a guy that she admits is bad for her and treated her badly whilst I did everything to show how much she means to me and be a good guy.

    She acted hot and cold, messed with my head and then finally told me a few days ago that she was in love with this guy and could only be my friend. I was her best friend, she wants to hang out and come to my house all the time and says she'll fight for me as long as it takes to be her friend. I have been drunk at lashed out at her due to paranoia, hurt and frustration and further pushed her away towards this guy. I think my pathetic pleadings yesterday were the last straw and I've lost her for good.

    I just feel like I can't do anything right, despite trying to be a perfect guy for someone that means the world to me and yet again I am second best, this time to a complete arsehole. I'm sick of being the nice guy that always finishes last and Im sick of being the nice guy that drinks and truns into a bastard, lashing out at the people I love because of my own inadequecies.

    What should I do? I cant be her friend and be the shoulder she needs to cry on when it goes wrong with the other guy, but I cant sit there with her and pretend that I'm not in love with her.

    My mind is shattered, my confidence and hopes destroyed and I think this has triggered something serious as I'm not eating, sleeping and just crying uncontrollably. In short this is the thing that has triggered some sort of suicidal depression in my mind and I feel that before long I will spiral hopelessly out of control and losing the few things I have left in a life that just isnt worth carrying on with.

    I hope someone can help me, or at least offer some advice.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I agree hun you cannot pretend to not love her but she has made her choice and you need to move on ok you found love once you will again You won't find it though if you don't go looking for it Heal your wounds and get out there and start looking ok I know you are grieving right now a loss a dream but you can have that again just not with her with someone else ok hugs
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I know you're hurting so much right now, and so the thought of even trying to move on probably seems impossible. I also know how much it hurts to feel you've found the right person for you, and then to have that person walk away for one reason or another. The pain seems unbearable, but you can get through it. You can heal, and there are lots of other people out there. Hope you'll try to fight through this... I seriously believe you can make it. :hug:
  4. Psych77

    Psych77 Well-Known Member


    You are putting all your hopes on others (like this girl), and placing responsibility for her actions on yourself (believing that she left you because you are inadequate). Believe me, I know what I am talking about - I do it myself all the time!

    You said "this was the girl I want to be with," before you were even together! And those words seem to have such finality - as though you had already decided it was her or nothing. It sounds to me like in your mind you are building a future for yourself that depends on someone else. Doing that gives other people HUGE power over you, and robs you of power over your own life. What if that person doesn't want the future with you? And, even if she does, she may not have the emotional ability to go into that future with you. I wonder if that is the case with your friend.

    It sounds like she has some serious issues she needs to work out if she picked an abusive man over one who treated her like gold. The fact that she was hot and cold makes it sound like she was in conflict - loving your kindness, but being irresistibly drawn to Jerkus Majerka. The point is, the fact that she wants someone who she admits is bad for her is not your fault. More importantly, it's something that won't change until she comes to a point in her life where she is ready to grow and discover how much she is worth.

    You need to know how much you are worth. Build yourself a future - and then worry about meeting someone who can walk beside you into that future. You are worth something for your own sake.

    In the meantime, you have some serious symptoms of depression that need to be addressed, pronto. Get on the horn (I know, it's Labor Day, so you will have to wait until tomorrow, probably) and get yourself an appointment with a therapist, and a prescriber if possible - given those symptoms, you will probably need medications at least until you stabilize, but possibly long term. If you feel totally out of control, don't be afraid to go to the emergency room or hospital - a hospital offers the advantage that they can adjust medications a lot more quickly while you are inpatient, to get you on the right medication and the right dose a lot sooner than if you were out. So, if you need it badly, take that option.

    In any case, keep on coming here. There is a lot of great support here, I've found.
  5. Chris1978

    Chris1978 New Member

    Thanks to you guys for your kind and helpful words, Psych I think you hit the nail on the head there. I do need help I think but I also need to not be treated like a doormat as thats what sets me off more than anything.

    She still texts me all day and calls and wants to hang out, saying she still likes me and misses me when I try to cut her out. But shes back with this guy and from what I can tell she'd been planning loads of things with him behind my back and to know that is pretty fucking crushing. I hate lies and deceit and I hate users most of all, and overall thats just what I think happened.

    Every day I say 'Enough, shes gone, out of my life' and then the phone beeps and it all starts happening again. I got a messgae at 2.15 am yesterday saying she was thinking of me and missing me. Seriously, what the fuck... She knows my feelings and knows Im crushed and angry beyond words at times. So why still do it? Is she hedging her bets and keeping me hanging on if it fucks up? Seems like it to me. Thats almost less painful than her turning off her feelings for me overnight and now just sees me as nothing more than a friend that she can pile all her problems on and be there for her.

    Im fucking sick of it, but while shes telling she likes me, I cant let go in the pathetic hope theres a one in a million chance that she might wise up and come back.

    Overall I think shes probably just a using lying dickhead and thats a pretty terrible feeling.

  6. Chris1978

    Chris1978 New Member

    I feel like a bloody teenager, its ridiculous. I'm just sick of being lied to, used and fucked over all the time.
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Even if there IS that one-in-a-million chance, who's to say she wouldn't do it all over again? She really does sound like the type who just uses people, and if she's done it to you once, there's nothing stopping her from doing it again... and you don't deserve that. I know letting her go would hurt so much, but if you hold onto that sliver of hope and she lets you down again, it's going to feel even worse. My suggestion would be to try changing your number so she can't contact you, but I know that would be really hard to do because of how final it would be. I hope you can stay away from her though, so she doesn't have the chance to hurt you again.
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