Hi, I'm at rock bottom here and really need some help... Im 35, pretty much a failure in everything, many failed relationships, addiction issues, financial issues and whilst I've ocassionally flirted with depression and thoughts of suicide I feel that this time there is no way out of the darkness. A short while ago a very close friend and I became closer, I'd been in love with her for months and one day we got together, days later we made love and a connection was felt that I'd not had before. I knew before that that she was the woman I wanted to be with. She had just come out of a relationship with a guy that she admits is bad for her and treated her badly whilst I did everything to show how much she means to me and be a good guy. She acted hot and cold, messed with my head and then finally told me a few days ago that she was in love with this guy and could only be my friend. I was her best friend, she wants to hang out and come to my house all the time and says she'll fight for me as long as it takes to be her friend. I have been drunk at lashed out at her due to paranoia, hurt and frustration and further pushed her away towards this guy. I think my pathetic pleadings yesterday were the last straw and I've lost her for good. I just feel like I can't do anything right, despite trying to be a perfect guy for someone that means the world to me and yet again I am second best, this time to a complete arsehole. I'm sick of being the nice guy that always finishes last and Im sick of being the nice guy that drinks and truns into a bastard, lashing out at the people I love because of my own inadequecies. What should I do? I cant be her friend and be the shoulder she needs to cry on when it goes wrong with the other guy, but I cant sit there with her and pretend that I'm not in love with her. My mind is shattered, my confidence and hopes destroyed and I think this has triggered something serious as I'm not eating, sleeping and just crying uncontrollably. In short this is the thing that has triggered some sort of suicidal depression in my mind and I feel that before long I will spiral hopelessly out of control and losing the few things I have left in a life that just isnt worth carrying on with. I hope someone can help me, or at least offer some advice.