advice please

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jaya, Apr 3, 2007.

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  1. Jaya

    Jaya New Member

    This is probably not something worth writing about, but nevertheless I shall. I'm about to start seeing this guy who I know has liked me for a while. I've only just realised this and well yeah, I'll give it a go. But do I tell him about the feeling suicidal and the self-harming now, before we start the relationship so he knows what he's getting into or should I wait? I don't know what to do.
  2. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    At some point you will have to tell him. It might be easier to tell him sooner so you can see if he understands you or not or if he will just run away. Although if he does run away that might make you feel worse about yourself. Maybe tell him your depressed and that you've had thoughts about stuff like suicide but really just want help. I hope he's a sensitive guy and just gives you a big hug and lets you know that he will do everything to help. I'm crossing my fingers for you.
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    There is no right or wrong answer to this, but there are different mentalities.

    You might think that it's best to tell him before you get too far so that he knows before anything goes anywhere.

    You might wait until you trust him.

    You might wait until he figures it out for himself.

    Or you might choose to do something else.

    Only you can know what is best for you, and what you want. Whatveer happens you will have the support of SF to help you.

    Good luck with it, for whenever you choose to do it.

    Take care
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Surely that's for her to decide. Yes, I agree honesty is best, but I have no said lie, you can wait a bit to be totally honest. There are very few people that blurt out everything on the first date.

    It's her choice what she does. Sure, the guy might prefer to know, or he might not, he might go running, or he might stay, he might support or he might condemn. Only she can know how strong enough she is to be able to handle some of those reactions.

    On a side note, I personally told someone I was seeing that I had an ED, right at the word go. Because I wanted him to run away, and I didn't want to be hurt. He didn't run, he stayed and told me personal things about him. In that instance it worked well, but it doesn't mean it always will.

    It can only be her choice.
  5. Diseased88

    Diseased88 Active Member

    i think my advice is slightly off the norm but, do you think you are ready for a relationship? How can you love someone else when you dont even know how to love yourself?
  6. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    I usually stay out of this forum, but...

    Um, IDY, why in the world are you here? What do you expect to accompish?? People who are suicdal (and just about the majority of other issues on this site) are like that because we can't deal with normal problems in normal ways. You can't just come onto here and say "Being suicidal is stupid. Stop it. You're being an idiot" and expect anything to happen. Have you ever met someone in real life with problems like ours? If not, I advise you to stop being so ignorant, get off your high horse, and meet those you think to advise. You'll see how wrong you are.

    If you have met someone like us and became their friend and still give this kind of advice, you are--and I say this with no intention of starting a fight--a cold-hearted bitch.

    Please don't allow this post to start one of those major-drama fights that have been going around the rest of the site. We really don't need any more of those.
  7. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    And btw, Jaya, I would wait until you get to know this guy really good before you tell him. Hold off long enough that you won't scare him away, but not so long that the information will trap him.

    I know, that's probably useless advice, but...
  8. corral

    corral Guest

    maybe getting into the relationship will make you happier and you will forget about the negative feelings?
  9. Jaya

    Jaya New Member

    I would like to say thank-you for the advice, and that all of it is good. I'm still not sure what to do, but I'm sure when the time is right I'll know. ('I dare you..': I have been left confused and puzzled by your replies, and no I don't think I'm a failure because my life isn't like Britney Spears. Honestly, where do you get this stuff from?) Anyhow! Thank-you, this site is invaluable for helping me. Jaya x
  10. Jawa

    Jawa Guest

    First of all let me say congratulations for your relationship, and your bravery for openly asking for advice on such a difficult subject.

    Speaking from experience here, wait till you're six months into the relationship before gradually telling him. Most people try to act like someone they aren't at the beginning of most relationships, because the person they pretend to be is more appealing to the other person. After about 6 months the forged traits wear off and you see the person for who they really are. If they haven't changed, then you know they are themselves and a really honest person, so you can trust them. If however you find out they pretended to be a peson they aren't, don't tell them because if you do they will react negatively, in order to further disguise their own negative traits.

    Also, ensure that he isn't going to go repeat yours and his personal conversations to other people. Let me assure you that when your partner is informed the right way of your illness, they will not feel like you have lied to or decieved them. Neither will they feel any less attracted to you. One thing you must make clear to him when you do tell him about your attitudes/behaviors towards suicide is that it is an illness. There is a lot of stigma related towards suicide, but when a person has it explained to them in the way modern medicine and psychology describes it, then the stigma is reduced and understanding increases.

    Another reason why I do not recommend informing him at the beginning of the relationship is because there is a critical period. The beginning of a relationship is when it is at it's most vulnerable, because there are less strong attatchments between the two of you. No matter how you feel at the moment, the stronger the bonds ->-> the more secure you are ->-> the better he will understand.

    Good luck with everything,
  11. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I disagree. The best relationships are built on honesty and friendship, and I'm not just talking shit here. What made me fall in love with my husband was that we were so close as friends, I could say anything to him and know for a fact that he would be there for me, even if it was only as a friend. If you can't tell him now, then hold off on the romance and cultivate the friendship to the point where you feel close enough to tell him your innermost secrets. If he can handle that, then proceed with the relationship, but not before. Strong friendships build the strongest relationships.
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