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advice please

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Unreggie, Nov 17, 2009.

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  1. Unreggie

    Unreggie Guest

    So.. I'm a member here but I'm too embarrassed to talk about this under my username (if you figure out who I am please don't say, thanks)

    I've gotta talk about this somewhere and this is the only place I have, sorry how for insufferably emo it is. I'm crazy about someone, I don't wanna say love because that word is thrown around too much but I think it might be. We were sort of thinking about being together until she got back with her ex, which hurt me massively, but I care about her so much and want her to be happy more than I want her for myself. So I resolved to do the honourable thing and swallow my feelings and never tell her. No matter how much it hurt. She's now broken up with her ex again though, but there's kinda someone else she likes. I'm so confused, I just don't know what to do. I tried to give up hope, she doesn't want me, give up and move on. But it's making me so depressed, and we're pretty close, and I'm terrible at lying... Basically last night we were talking online, I didn't tell her how I feel but I think she figured it out, and she said some things that might've been hints but I don't know if that was just wishful thinking on my part. I convinced myself I was just being stupid until some umm other stuff happened (read between the lines please) and I don't know if that happened just because she was "in need of some company". Argh, I'm over analysing everything. I'd just come right out and ask her whether she has any feelings for me but I'm terrified of losing her friendship. I wish I could just stop having these feelings.
  2. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    I think honesty is the best policy. She needs to be aware of how you feel and what her actions are doing to you. You'e had feelings for close friends before right? and you were honest about them. Did they run away? Did it affect the friendship? Did you loose that person?

    Wether she knows it or not she's hurting you and she nees to know that and how you feel. Yeah it might be hard to come out and say it but i think it's better for YOU to get this off your chest.

    You know where i am if you need me. Hit me up later :hug:
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    She may not be ready for anything more than friendship. Young people see couples together and they conclude they must have a bf/gf to be happy. That's not the case. We need friends to be happy. We need friends even if we have a bf/gf or are even married.

    I see lots of people breakup with others because they think their supposed to be in a relationship and then when they experience the good things of a friendship they think it means a couple relationship, and then they're not sure. It's one of life's toughest lessons.

    Be her friend first.
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    But on the other hand what if you were completely honest with her, told her how you feel about her and found out there was a chance at turning the friendship into something more?

    You are willing to step right out of the picture to keep her as a friend and allow her to be happy. So why not tell her? It may seem akward or hard. But in the long run atleast you will finally know the truth and still be able to remain good friends. I think you should tell her. If nothing comes of it, then atleast you tried and for your own sake know where you stand.
  5. Datura

    Datura Well-Known Member

    What are you getting out of this friendship? It seems as though you're hurting more than anything.
  6. Unreggie

    Unreggie Guest

    I know she doesn't mean to hurt me, I wish it didn't hurt me as much as it does. She really is an amazing person and since I've known her I've been so much more confident about who I am. I actually like myself for the first time in years and I'm able to talk to her about stuff I never have before, even in therapy, and she's great with it. I dunno, I wish I could just get rid of these feelings, I keep hoping that it's just a passing infatuation but I can't get her out of my mind. I should just tell her, but to be completely honest, not telling her means I can at least cling to a tiny bit of hope. I don't know what I'm going to do but thanks very much for the replies everyone.
  7. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    I think if this is affecting you so much then you should tell her, but be aware it could affect your friendship. When I was younger I had a crush on one of my friends and after about 6 months of pining over her I decided to tell her how I feel. She knocked me back, and for a long time afterwards we couldn't look at each other the same way, because she knew I was interested in her. This doesn't mean that this scenario will happen to you, but it is possible, if not probable.

    Also, be aware that the person you know as a friend will not be the person you know as a girlfriend. If you do get together with her, you will learn a whole lot more about her, both good and bad. It could strengthen your relationship, or it could take away the infatuation glasses you are currently wearing. You are most likely seeing her as amazing and even flawless, and you could be in for a big shock. I don't know her of course, but I know that nobody is perfect. I'm not trying to say this will be doomed from the start, just reminding you to be aware of the possibilities.

    It's great that you aren't saying you love her, because that wouldn't be true. Love does get thrown around a lot, and it takes time in a relationship to achieve love, which has to be a mutual feeling. Tell her you love her and you will scare her off, even if you start dating. I had a mate that said "Don't tell her you love her when you start dating, or it will only last 3 months at the max". I didn't listen to him and told my gf those 3 words a lot, and sure enough we were broken up after 3 months. This won't be the same case for everybody of course, but is a possibility you need to be aware of. The girlfriend i had had a lot of experience with boyfriends and she understood what love was, I didn't. Love needs time to develop, and is only true when you truly know the person. Anything else is just infatuation.

    Despite all this, the simplest option is to ask yourself "Do I really want to risk my friendship with her for a chance at a relationship?" Remember, if you do make the move, you start dating, and you break up, you're friendship will never be the same, and will be hard to maintain.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 17, 2009
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