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Advice wanted please

#1
I finally got approved for PIP recently, but while I was waiting to get it, I got in to quite a bit of debt, council tax in particular. My mum has given me a job in her pub working three days a week, getting paid under the table.

My abuser comes to the pub often. While most of the abuse happened when I was a child, he's also sexually assaulted me more recently. Before being hired on just recently, while I was working the last shift, closing the pub, he assaulted me in the pub itself.

There have been times that I had hoped to resist him, but I usually just freeze when he assaults me. One time I had a knife, but he just took it out of my hand.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to avoid closing the pub again, and hope to stay away from my abuser, but I also know that there may come a time when I'm asked to close again, and I'll have a hard time saying no to my mum. While my mum has done a lot of bad things over the years, I still feel like I don't want to disappoint her, so it's hard for me to say no to her about anything, even if I want to.

I also don't want to tell my mum that I want to stay away from my abuser, or that he's still assaulting me. She knows about the abuse in my childhood, but she will do things like invite me to birthday parties for him. If I tell her that he's abused me, or that I say I want to be away from him, I'm worried that she'll start asking me questions, and I cant deal with that.

It's been suggested to me to see if I can be excused from the council tax, or to contact Women's Aid about the abuse, but I'm not sure how I feel about those things.

What should I do?
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
Oh wow, that's really awful that this person is still hurting you, and that your mom doesn't seem to take it seriously.

I'm not sure about the financial stuff - what is PIP, is that like disability or something? If it is, and you are eligible for government aid, it seems like you might be able to get some allowance on the back tax you owe. That's definitely worth looking into at least.

If your mom knows he abused you before, do you think she will not take that as reason enough for you to be worried about being alone around him?

Money doesn't seem like a good enough reason to keep putting yourself in danger of being abused by this man. I hope you can find a way out. *hug
 
#3
Hi.

Have you got a council tax reduction?
https://www.gov.uk/apply-council-tax-reduction

As for the abuse, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You should consider ways to stop the abuse as soon as possible. If you didn't want to press charges against this man, there are other options - there are women's shelters which will help women in situations such as yours. I would strongly recommend contacting that charity you mentioned (or a similar one). They should help guide you and advise you in a confidential manner. Your first priority should be getting yourself out of harms way.

As @sinking_ship says, if you tell your mum the abuse is continuing and you were worried about being around him, would she not be able to make accommodations? e.g. not letting you close alone. I doubt she would be disappointed. You should not have to put yourself in harms way.

Please keep safe. Sending hugs *hug10*sadhug.
 
#4
Oh wow, that's really awful that this person is still hurting you, and that your mom doesn't seem to take it seriously.

I'm not sure about the financial stuff - what is PIP, is that like disability or something? If it is, and you are eligible for government aid, it seems like you might be able to get some allowance on the back tax you owe. That's definitely worth looking into at least.

If your mom knows he abused you before, do you think she will not take that as reason enough for you to be worried about being alone around him?

Money doesn't seem like a good enough reason to keep putting yourself in danger of being abused by this man. I hope you can find a way out. *hug
My mum didn't know it was going on lately. When I was younger, my stepdad asked was I ok being around him, I said yes.
I don't speak about anything, its really difficult to explain.
Pip is disability.
 
#5
Hi.

Have you got a council tax reduction?
https://www.gov.uk/apply-council-tax-reduction

As for the abuse, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You should consider ways to stop the abuse as soon as possible. If you didn't want to press charges against this man, there are other options - there are women's shelters which will help women in situations such as yours. I would strongly recommend contacting that charity you mentioned (or a similar one). They should help guide you and advise you in a confidential manner. Your first priority should be getting yourself out of harms way.

As @sinking_ship says, if you tell your mum the abuse is continuing and you were worried about being around him, would she not be able to make accommodations? e.g. not letting you close alone. I doubt she would be disappointed. You should not have to put yourself in harms way.

Please keep safe. Sending hugs *hug10*sadhug.
I think council tax reduction is a part of universal credit? I don't know.

It's all just messed up
 

Innocent Forever

Still innocent!
SF Supporter
#6
I finally got approved for PIP recently, but while I was waiting to get it, I got in to quite a bit of debt, council tax in particular. My mum has given me a job in her pub working three days a week, getting paid under the table.

My abuser comes to the pub often. While most of the abuse happened when I was a child, he's also sexually assaulted me more recently. Before being hired on just recently, while I was working the last shift, closing the pub, he assaulted me in the pub itself.

There have been times that I had hoped to resist him, but I usually just freeze when he assaults me. One time I had a knife, but he just took it out of my hand.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to avoid closing the pub again, and hope to stay away from my abuser, but I also know that there may come a time when I'm asked to close again, and I'll have a hard time saying no to my mum. While my mum has done a lot of bad things over the years, I still feel like I don't want to disappoint her, so it's hard for me to say no to her about anything, even if I want to.

I also don't want to tell my mum that I want to stay away from my abuser, or that he's still assaulting me. She knows about the abuse in my childhood, but she will do things like invite me to birthday parties for him. If I tell her that he's abused me, or that I say I want to be away from him, I'm worried that she'll start asking me questions, and I cant deal with that.

It's been suggested to me to see if I can be excused from the council tax, or to contact Women's Aid about the abuse, but I'm not sure how I feel about those things.

What should I do?
If you're getting PIP you should be excused from council tax.

Do you have any professionals you can ask for advice? I mean practical. On saying no to your mother. Volunteering elsewhere... etc.
You deserve more.
 

Sunspots

★☆ Braced for impact ☆★
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#8
Hey Flower

Let me get this straight in my head.. Your mum knows that this man who comes into her pub abused you as a child? And she doesn't have a problem with you and he being alone in the pub now? You should never have to be in that monsters presence again, it is totally unacceptable to even think that would be okay. I am so sorry you've been put in this position and continue to be put in it. It must be so frightening *hug

I don't know how much the debt is but it could be worth talking to StepChange - they can give free and independent debt advice.
https://www.stepchange.org/

Citizens Advice is generally a really good place for benefits advice. There may well be some other benefits or discounts that you can claim. It's definitely worth getting an appointment at your local branch for advice
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/
 
#9
I think I need to try and explain a little.
When it all came out about him we was kept separate for a little while. The abuse was never mentioned after that. Until one day, my step dad asked did I mind him being around. Was I ok with it. Through my own stupidity I said it's ok. Now im not very good at saying how I feel or saying when something bothers me. This in particular, I can't speak about at all. My family are emotionless, no one cries or gets upset like. Anyway, so we was in the same room one day, the millennium, new years eve. I remember it like it was 5 minutes ago, and I had to pretend that everything was normal.
I've somehow managed to pretend everything is normal ever since. Now it's at the stage where he smiles a me with a really horrible smile like sly.

The problem I have is this man is my family so it makes things really awkward. Like on birthdays etc.
It ends up like a sort of bad choice... my mum and him, ir nothing st all.

Thank you for your advice, I'll arrange to speak to both of them and see what they say.
 
#10
If you're getting PIP you should be excused from council tax.

Do you have any professionals you can ask for advice? I mean practical. On saying no to your mother. Volunteering elsewhere... etc.
You deserve more.
I have my therapist but hes in the process of referring me elsewhere so I'm not actually having therapy at the minute. Its all just complicated
 
#12
I can't really ask my therapist for advice about stuff like that, ge told me he was acting as my care coordinator and it's not his job. I think I need to learn to deal with how I feel? I don't really know
 

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