Advice?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by *dilligaf*, Nov 5, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Okay, long story, bear with me?

    *takes deep breath*

    My mum and dad split up years ago and my mums new partner got diagnosed with alzhiemers about 3 years ago.
    I found out a few years back that my mum was seeing some bloke on and off....i KNOW it's been going on for about 2 years...but I'm pretty sureit started when she left my dad (13 years ago)
    He's a dirty old man...and worst of all he is MARRIED.
    She has never told me about him. EVER. When I saw hertexting him she always makes up excuses about who she is texting. I heard her talking to my aunt on christmas day 2006 about him, saying he hadn't been in contact for a while and she sounded really upset....like she had fallen for him, or loved him or something. Then I hadn't heard about him again until very recently.
    He called her the other night and she almost ran out of the room, I thought something was wrong so when she went to bed I checked her phone and found out it was him, they had obviously arranged to meet because she text him later on saying could they meet today instead of yesterday. And he called again this morning.
    He lives about 10/15 miles away with his wife....and me and vikki were in my mums house all day today, so i have absolutely no idea where they went when they met, but from reading texts from him i know that they sleep together.
    She now takes her phone with her where ever she goes, lies to me about where she is going and who with, and makes up random people that she is supposed to be texting when she is really texting him.
    I wish so much that she would be honest with me about it. I have even, in thepast, tried to talk to her about him and she lies to my face about it.
    No one can see why it bothers me so much but come on.....he's a dirty old man. From what I can see he is using my mum for sex. He is married and she appears to have fallen for him. Anyone see my point here????
    She deserves so much better than him :sad:
    Anyone got any advice?? :blink: :unsure:
     
  2. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    Its a fair point you make about not having been informed by your mum and I can relate to your disappointment. More openness, would definitely have been much better for all concerned.

    Without knowing the details about your mums current relationship...you say, that your step-dad has Alzheimers, is he responsive? physically able? is your mum's role that of a carer?.....it seems, that your mums lover arrangement is more a case of two consenting adults in a -what seems- long term relationship. Whilst morally it might be questionable-after all he is married- it is what your mum has chosen and judging by the relationship lengths, she is content with.

    I'm pretty sure she knows that you know. Your priority is now to have an open discussion without any smoke-screen about it. Take this opportunity to voice your concerns and your fears, but bear always in mind, that it isn't exclusively a 'mum' your are having a conversation with, but also a woman, a lover, a maybe lonely person, who doesn't get what she needs in her current relationship with your step-dad. Therefore, don't let this conversation descend into an accusation slinging match.

    You want to find out the motives behind your mum decision and not necessarily question her, whether you deem her decisions as fully justified.


    .
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 6, 2007
  3. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    2 consenting adults and its him thats using her for sex. I always find that interesting, its the man taking advantage, always the male...does she not exercise her own free will??? Unless his wife is aware, and they have some sort of open relationship thing going, what his doing is morally questionable, but were not privvy to that info so who knows...

    It would be nice if she was open about her relationship with you, if she wants to keep it private though, you have to respect that, even though its difficult. I think Sam air your opinions to her more and see if shes prepared to open up a bit more about it. I hope it works out for the best.
     
  4. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    my step dad got took into a care home 2 months ago.

    Sorry if I upset you MJ, or seemed to be making assumptions, I was simply basing that comment on the fact that it looks as if my mum has fallen for this guy.

    Thank you both for your replies, I will try talking to her when we are both in a good mood :hug:
     
  5. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    ..hmm, not quite sure MJ, where you deducted that from what ..sam..wrote, unless your intention was to voice your personal opinion on the subject of equal status within a relationship. For all what its worth, its stereotyping.

    Whatever the case, we don't know the facts and I support your advice which is along the lines of my first posting.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 6, 2007
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.