Advice?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by yada, Jan 2, 2011.

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  1. yada

    yada Well-Known Member

    Hi all,

    Been a while since I've been on here. I'll start with some good news. A few years ago, I went through two years of severe/suicidal depression, leading to putting everything in place and attempting. But I bailed out at the last minute. Specifics not important, but let's say that things really change when your life really flashes in front of your eyes, and over a period of 4-5 hours just waiting for me to xxxx (that may be a figure of speech). But after this event, I made some changes to my life and a few months later I was much better, sinking my time back into my business, and finally made a fair profit over the next year.

    So what fixed me? A major part of the change was to move (nearby), and in doing so I lost my propecia pills (for hair loss), and then decided that I had seen no benefit for two years, so decided to drop it. Soon after I started feeling better, and being able to focus on my business again. It was well after that that I found out this was the cause of my depression. And yes, the doctors looked at that as a cause, but dropped it since depression is not listed as a side effect. FWIW, many others have reported this and a few other side effects from propecia. In those couple years, I lost many friends, and that hurt back then, but I realize now that it was a good thing, as I know who my true friends are now.

    Moving ahead in time. My dad died about a year and a half ago, and I had not been in touch with him or my mom for some time before that, mostly due to the depression. I have since re-connected with my mom and been out of the country fighting legal battles like crazy for my mom, as she can't handle these matters. Now, she's staying here with me for a while (until our next court appearance), and driving me crazy. I can understand she's depressed and lonely, but don't understand why she does nothing, makes me do everything, and then bitches at me and barks orders at me to call this person, call that person, etc. My sister also does nothing with respect to the legal battles. I can't understand how I walked away from the family a few years ago, and now have to deal with this crap!

    And now my business has suffered significantly. I was planning (just before my dad died) to move to another city, but the legal hell has caused me to neglect my business, and I had a loss in 2009, and again in 2010. I am financially stapped and losing it. I have started sleeping at the office every other day, so I don't go home and have to deal with my mom (plus it's a long drive). I sleep perhaps about 4 hours every night... no not exaggerating.

    The net result is that I've gained weight, still single (no time or money to go out and meet people, go on dates, etc), financially f**ked, and overwhelmed beyond belief. A couple of my employees left me, so I'm even more overwhelmed nowadays.

    I previously went through a bad phase when I decided to start the business and locked myself away in an apartment developing products for a few years. Then came the depression, and now the legal hell. In total, the last 7 years of my life has been overwhelming and each time I think that it will be over soon, something else comes up. I'm not sure what to expect next.

    I hate being single and lonely, and getting balder and fatter is making it worse. I spent new year's eve by myself once again, and in my office, avoiding my mom. I really really worked hard in college to make something of myself and now have nothing to show for it. My few friends are having kids, moving up in their careers, getting better houses, etc, and I am going further into a hole. I also mentor a few high-school kids (for the past couple years) with robotics and engineering, and they've become good friends, but seeing their lives progressing (getting driving licenses, getting into colleges, getting girlfriends/boyfriends, etc) are rubbing it into me that I've become a loser. I do wish them the best, but it's an indicator that reminds me that I'm going nowhere. I hate my life!!!

    I'd really like to get advice from someone as to how to fix this, but there's no one to talk to. No psychologist please. Life coach? Probably not for the personal stuff. Friends don't know what to do, and it's been tough to get their attention with kids distracting them, etc. My high-schoolers come to me for help with their personal matters, but I have no one similar to go to in my time of need. What do I do in this situation? Any advice appreciated.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2011
  2. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Do you mind me asking you a few questions? How old is your mom? Im assuming from what youve shared that these are "her" legal matters. Is this accurate? No doubt your mom losing her husband (your dad) is tough, but why are "you" handling "her" matters? Im not trying to sound mean, but atm from what youve shared it doesnt sound appropriate for you takin care of her things. I lost my mom in July '09 and she handled everything. My dad is now 74yrs old & learning how to do for himself. I offer him suggestions, advice & emotional support & encouragement via the phone. He knows he can call anytime too. Its hard on them. I know, but theyre also adults too. I love my dad dearly. Hes never suffered from depression til now too. Is your mom just wanting you to do the things shes not willing to at least try & do herself? Sorry again not trying to sound mean. Just encouraging a different perspective.
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sounds like you have to set limits and make sure you come first...all of the negative changes seem to have come from you neglecting yourself...you are not good for anyone if you are not good for yourself...hope you get back on track soon, speak to your therapist and be more selfish...you deserve it..J
     
  4. yada

    yada Well-Known Member

    After posting this, I realized how long it is. Really appreciate your taking the time to read it.

    Mom is ~75, and doesn't read English very well, so legal matters are next to impossible for her. I can't let all this crash as she'll lose everything (a lot), but I can't see why she has to make life difficult for me too (which she is in full control of). Dad always did everything for her, as well as the housemaids, etc. So now it's time to be independent and she's lost and overwhelmed over the slightest things. She's sunk herself into religion, and whereas I don't deny her that right, I think she's pushed it way too far... to the point of inaction on any matter. It's almost as if say a glass is going to fall, rather than reach out and try to stop it, she'd rather pray and expect it will not. This especially conflicts with me right now, as I pretty much gave up religion during my depression era a few years ago.

    I tried to walk away from this a few weeks ago, and told the lawyers to deal with my sister and mom on it from now on, but they kept calling me for answers as they had no clue, and the lawyers started calling me again and saying that if I don't get them the info etc, then this case would be lost due to my fault. I think it's a sense of guilt that keeps me from totally walking away. I'm an idiot like that. FML.

    Right now, I want to move, but there's too much to do for that, and I'm coming to the realization that I just don't have the funds for it now. I slept in my office again last night and working almost 24/7 to try and recover financially, at least enough to move. I think that will make me feel a sense of hope.

    I know the problem is that I need to take some time for myself, but that means losing money that I desperately need right now. My only social interaction is a few emails/calls to friends and my high-schoolers (who really give me a sense of worth, and I owe them for this). I avoid going out with friends as it means spending money. On Christmas day, I was supposed to help out at a soup kitchen, but skipped out as it was far I did not want to spend the money on gas. FML! This is not what I worked really hard for all my life.
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you explain to both yur mother and sister it is time for them to shape up explain to them that they are making yu ill and if they don't stop you will not be in any condition to helpl anyone. I think you need to live away from them and just deal with lawyer only. They are adults not children they can fight for themselves with out you there they would have too. What is so wrong in talking to a psychologist they have coping skills to help you through this they have knowledge to give you to deal with your mother and sister. You need care bottom line you are getting burn't out. I hope when all this legal business is over you tell ma and sister time for them to leave and for you to get on with your living Sorry but they are adults and you do not need to be their savor Just deal with lawyer only Set boundaries with your mother and don't let her cross them take care
     
  6. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    I can certainly appreciate your struggles, but it still sounds to me like you're wearing a responsibility which is not yours. If your mom is so loaded why does she not hire a translator? Just a question. This is her mess. It's not yours!!!! As for the lawyer trying to blame you this is completely out of line!!! They are all making their struggles and challenges your problems and this is inappropriate to put it mildly. None of this stuff is really your business, and consequently your own life is suffering for it. Goes to show what happens to a person when they're taking on a responsibility that is not theirs.

    Maybe you could encourage or coach your mom (over the phone) about how to go about handling matter. Sounds as though she has a very co-dependent personality. There is a difference between helping and doing it all for her. You're not her husband, and this is her responsibility. I would suggest telling her to move back home or whatnot as well. Even if you can't find yourself doing this then I would encourage you to respectfully place some boundaries and establish with her what is and is not acceptable.

    Boundaries are essential to our well being!!!!
     
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