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Advise Needed for Over-Traumatized Mind.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BOLIAO, Dec 1, 2007.

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    BOLIAO Guest

    Hi all, I need to know if any of you have any experience in the healing of an over-traumatized mind or know of any sites which deals with that.

    I have an deeply over-traumatized mind and it's keeping me from healing and I don't know how to get it back to normal.

    Like in my earlier thread, I left my job due to major depression as a result of office politics. After I left, extreme fears of unemployment set into my weak mind and I became extremely suicidal. My suicide urges became so strong until I even planned everything and was just waiting to execute and could not last. I wanted to die so badly but I knew if I died, I would destroy my old folks and there is no one to take care of them. I prayed and begged god for a miracle as nothing could stop me cos the suicidal urges was too strong and I really wanted to die.

    Ok, the 'miracle' came at the very last fews days before my suicide was meant to happen, in the form of me discovering a pendrive accidentally left by my girlfriend in my place. I opened it out of curiosity and saw the saved 'love' messages between my GF and her 2 previous BF.

    Due to my oredi 'confused' mental state, I mistook the messages as current ongoing infidelity between her and the two other men while with me . Already dealing with very extreme strong suicidal urges, I got 'jolted' so hard that it's as if lightning struck my heart. Besides being suicidal, I was extremely hurt and angry. My mind went much much deeper than suicidal. I was like a living dead man and my mind almost went crazy. My heart beat was so fast that I thought I was going to die of a heart attack / stroke. For 4 continuous days, I couldn't even sleep or lie in bed. I was restlessly active yet not tired. My hurt was so extreme that I completely forgot about my suicide and was intensely focus on her betraying me. I went on a rampage and had very big on-going arguments with her and finally when she kept insisting that the saved messages were before the commencement of our relationship, I re-checked and found out i was wrong.

    Although the 'miracle' jolted me out of my suicidal urges, my mind was already way over-traumatized. I feel very 'different'. I dont feel like myself. and I feel like I'm a soul in a body. Although I've not gone crazy, I feel that I'm different already. Now I want to get well but my mind is not well. I am very disturbed and every night I have several nightmares and wake up very fearful in my semi-conscious state. Every thought about work or relationship would send jolts of pain into my heart so much so that I curl up in bed crying. Yeah crying and I'm supposed to be a man. The day has no meaning for me as I dont have any motivation to do anything and I'm restless. I try to sleep but cant but I can't even concentrate on doing anything even watching TV. This has gone on for almost 2 months and I'm holed up in my apartment alone.

    So anyone has any advice for someone like me who wants to get well but feel 'different' already and has an extremely over-traumatized mind which I think is beyond healing?
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