Advise???

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by betteroffunknown, Sep 3, 2015.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    I could really use some advise and/or suggestions. Would you mind?

    Here's an attempted abbreviated history. Six years ago I had let go of the few friends I had (they were toxic to me). I didn't care if I met more. Well, about a month later an entirely new group of friends came into my life. They were simply amazing. I never could have imagined ever having such amazing friends. They didn't use and abuse me like the ones I had let go. They were a critical part of my getting through an extremely difficult period in my life.

    Then last year things began going wayward, at least in my life personally. I had learned about a bad valve in my heart that had gone undetected for 38+yrs. Six months after the discovery it was time for surgery to have it replaced. During the surgery there was an exceedingly rare complication - my aorta dissected in the descending part. It might go without saying, but initially it was very scary not really understanding it all.

    I was in the hospital longer than I was initially told to expect due to the complication, and yet during my entire stay there NONE of those friends came to visit me. One person sent one email checking in with me. They always came off as extremely caring. Is it unreasonable to have been so hurt by no one visiting?

    I (kinda) brushed that off, and continued to hang out with them. Then in Oct last year my best friends son killed his wife then himself. This was something we totally didn't expect!!! Well, when I mentioned this to the other group of friends they began to be hesitant around me.

    Now I have pulled away from that group of friends. Haven't been around them in months now, and I admit they don't know I've been hurt by their reactions. Am I being too unreasonable by letting them go out of hurt associated with those situations when for five years they were incredibly supportive?
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    People have lots of reasons for doing the things they do- and the other part of the equation is that what we perceive they are doing and what they perceive they are doing are different things. Most importantly, I have found different peopel in my life can be depended on in different ways- somebody might be great to hang out with on a fun Friday night , but the last person in the world I would want around in a crisis or if depressed. Does not make them a bad person, just means I need to understand what they bring to a friendship or relationship. Another person is great to talk to when i am feeling down but a bummer at a party - so be it.

    I guess what I am saying is with the exception of maybe a spouse, nobody is supposed to be or every going to be everything for somebody (and even with a spouse would be a rarity. You have to accept friends for what they are and limit your expectations to what they can and will do. If that means curtailing the friendship down to "occasionally talk " because just not providing more than that then fine, or calling them best friend but understand they will not go into a hospital- fine. It is just whatever works for you. I am not a big fan in litmus tests for friendships where there are "deal breakers" where if they did not react the way you anted then you throw them away.

    Not every friend is supposed to be that close or your "best friend". You can choose to have no friends or try to replace friends that you think behaved inappropriately, or you can accept and respect what the boundaries of the friendship are, and if you meet other propel that are more to your liking then spend more time with them and less with the old friends- that is how things work in life as we mature and aspects of our life change we have different needs and find different people that we have more in common with and drift away from those that we no longer share as much with. While some people this happens to and they say "everybody deserts me eventually" really it is just typical of how friendships work, and the only time there is a problem is when somebody stops trying to meet new people themselves and clings to people that have changed trying to pretend things have not.

    In this situation you can decide to just write them all off, or continue to see them and enjoy their company when it makes sense while knowing if you meet people with a better understanding of your needs you will probably spend more time with them and less with the ones that do not. But it does not have to be a "decision" or involve drama of "not being friends anymore" - just simply you still have things you want to talk about that they apparently do not so find others you can talk to about those things and let the time divide itself up as it may, just as they have done by the sounds.
     
    2 people like this.
  3. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Thanks, NY!!!

    I've come to realize (and believe) that I relied far too heavily on that particular group of friends. Don't believe that was entirely healthy even though for a season it was insanely helpful and good. They were all I had for about 4yrs.

    My life has been and appears to continue to be far too dramatic for the majority of people - myself included, so have decided not to share anything with them (or really anyone else) anymore. So basically it would appear the dynamics of the particular friendships I've mentioned have changed. Not sure how it's going to work from here on out given they're so used to my (over) sharing only to go to sharing nothing. So far the lack of sharing has left them reluctant or hesitant to even talk to me now. In fact, most avoid me all together now.

    One lady who used to love to listen to everything that was going on in my life doesn't even want to hear anything anymore. She quickly changed the subject the last time I tried talking to her, and I wasn't even sharing anything bad or horrible. In fact it was kinda cool. That one was particularly difficult because we used to talk more than I did with the others.

    Maybe it's the countless changes (literally) within the past year that's put me over the top. Change is difficult anyways, but this surreal amount of it has been a bit much. It has definitely been surreal. Would have never expected in a hundred years so much change in such a short period of time. Seems I would do well to get used to it. Kinda seems like it's becoming my new norm.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.