I want desperately to be dead. The only reason I am not is because I can't bear to hurt the people who care about me. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I have a decent life now, a job, I'm a talented musician, I have a boyfriend, people say I'm pretty... but my family history is a wreck, I struggle with PTSD, extreme social anxiety, and bipolar II rapid cycling. I am so overwhelmed. I'm terrified. I can hardly get through a day of work. I'm not making it with bills, digging further into my savings every month. I've dropped out of college. I spend so much time in a panic or depression that I can hardly socialize or play music anymore. I have weekly gigs and I barely make it through. I'm months behind on recording my next album. My writing has slowed. Mostly, life is a waste to me. I don't enjoy it and it is incredibly painful. I'd rather not be, I wish I never was. It almost seems pointless to post here I've reached such a dead end in getting help and I've become so apathetic. I feel forced to live a life I never wanted. I want death so much I wish my boyfriend and parents didn't love me, then I could kill myself without hurting someone else too. Then I could escape from this agony.