Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by elvinchild, Jun 22, 2009.

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  1. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    I want desperately to be dead. The only reason I am not is because I can't bear to hurt the people who care about me. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I have a decent life now, a job, I'm a talented musician, I have a boyfriend, people say I'm pretty... but my family history is a wreck, I struggle with PTSD, extreme social anxiety, and bipolar II rapid cycling. I am so overwhelmed. I'm terrified. I can hardly get through a day of work. I'm not making it with bills, digging further into my savings every month. I've dropped out of college. I spend so much time in a panic or depression that I can hardly socialize or play music anymore. I have weekly gigs and I barely make it through. I'm months behind on recording my next album. My writing has slowed. Mostly, life is a waste to me. I don't enjoy it and it is incredibly painful. I'd rather not be, I wish I never was. It almost seems pointless to post here I've reached such a dead end in getting help and I've become so apathetic. I feel forced to live a life I never wanted. I want death so much I wish my boyfriend and parents didn't love me, then I could kill myself without hurting someone else too. Then I could escape from this agony.
  2. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    Have you tried meds? It seems most everything else in your life is pretty good. Most of us here would do anything for someone to love us or to have a talent like you do. Your NEXT album? That means you have one? Something to be proud of. Do you have a doc? If not get one and ask about meds that might help.
  3. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Thereapy and/or meds. are worth a try. Aside from the PTSD and anxiety (which are not minor ailments by any means) the positives in your life are mind-boggling. Your talent appears limitless.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I agree with the above posts, the right medication should be able to ease the symptoms of those disorders to some extent. I'm so sorry that you're suffering so much,you definitely are not alone. If you need to talk,feel free to PM me xxx
  5. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    There are options open to you right now, dont give up yet. Try therapy, try meds, you don't know yet what these will do for you, they may open up a whole new life for you, so much better than you have now. Give them a shot. :hug:
  6. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    I tried meds, the first drove me crazy, the second I was dangerously allergic to, and the third combo (trileptal and zoloft) destroyed my memory even more, which still left it difficult to perform music and work. I didn't like that, and I didn't like the side effects. I was quite frankly still miserable, just more apathetic. Life quite frankly isn't worth living that way either. I quit the meds after a year, and I'm trying natural medicine. I haven't gotten to far with that, I'm praying it works because if it doesn't, I don't see a solution. I haven't yet found a therapist I work well with. Ughhh.

    I know my life is good and I feel so guilty for being unhappy. The friends I have though are friends I made years ago, I can't seem to make new ones. and I'm such an inconsistent friend, always coming and going depending on the extent of my pain... I feel like its slowly driving them away. It drove away my last lover, and I'm afraid it'll drive away this one too. It hurts him so much. Then I'll be alone. The only friend who's ever been completely loyal to me is suicidal too. He's the same as me, he has a seemingly good life: highly successful and working with a lot of prominent musicians. But he's miserable. Sometimes I don't think he'd mind if I killed myself, because he'd understand. He's understood everything and I haven't driven him away at all yet. But I'm venting, this response belongs in a different category.

    I'm just feeling so much guilt right now. Guilt for not being able to work more, or at a better job... and for having such an incredibly hard time working. Guilt for having trouble as a performing artist. Guilt for not making my parents happier. Agony just thinking about how I will never have a good family relationship like some people do. Then there's my brother, who I was once so close to but grew apart from because he molested me for years... I will never have that back. Its just too much to deal with, thinking of all the problems that CAN'T be solved.
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