affects of divorce on my kids

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by lfdy, Jan 1, 2008.

  1. lfdy

    lfdy Active Member

    i really need some advice especially from those of you whose parents have divorced. i have just filed for divorce after an abusive 19 years of marrige. my kids are aged 17, 15, 14, and 12. they are devestated and even though i was the victim they are blaming me for not being able to make everything ok. they wont come out of their rooms and dont want to eat or talk. how can i help them. should i get in a professional councellor for them, they have witnessed so much fighting, yelling and abuse, i feel i am really letting them down as i am so caught up in my own problems to be there for them, i am only about 70% there for them. what goes through a kids head when they hear they hear their parents are divorcing.
     
  2. brokensoul98

    brokensoul98 Well-Known Member

    good question..although my daughters father and i were never married, i was with him for 10 yrs. we split because he was cheating, abusive to me, drugging, and an alcoholic. she puts him on a pedestal. she lived with me. i gave her everything. he never bothered with er. she sees him now and thinks he god. still gives her nothing even on her birthday and xmas. i've bought her 4 cars, ins, loaned her money, helped her get an apartment, etc.. when we argue, im called every filthy name in the book. go figure huh?
     
  3. lfdy

    lfdy Active Member

    thanks for that, i just dont know where to turn. my kids also have him on a friggin pedestal. i have always had to work to support them and fead them, etc and he has never spent any time with them,they are strangers to him and yet when i filed for divorce a few weeks ago he has taken 2 weeks off work and taken them shopping, bought them gifts,gave them money for xmas etc and they have all fallen for his pity act, they are so oeverwhelmed by his attention that his game of turning them against me is working. it really pisses me off. he is such a bastard. his mother came to visit me today aswell and gave me a piece of her mind. i hate them all. i am going back to my solicitor tomorrow and i am going to nail him to the cross for fucking with me and my kids.
     
  4. brokensoul98

    brokensoul98 Well-Known Member

    good luck hun..we are the ones that get kicked around(literally) and they come out smelling like a rose. my daughters father never once paid child support a day in her life..now he owns his own business. i struggled all my life to feed and clothe her..shes so proud of him .. i live alone and still struggle,,he still gives her nothing,,but if she needs something im the one she comes to..im the best when she needs something..oh,,,for xmas,,hes her drinking buddy...
     
  5. lfdy

    lfdy Active Member

    they are f*cking assholes. my kids are the same, i worked 3 jobs last year just so they could go on school trips and not be left out. and what thanks do i get. all i get is daddy says you drink too much, daddy says your lazy, daddy says he should have kicked you out years ago! he has them almost brain washed. why do kids fall for this. i guess it is because i have always been the only one there for them and had to do all the disciplining and tough love, he never showed his face, he preferred to be with his mates or at his brothers house. but he is going to pay dearly for it now. i will screw every penny out of him, i just discovered that he has a secret bank account that he has been stashing money into for over a year, since the last time i told him i was leaving but the kids took it so bad i caved in and was so weak i didnt go through with it.but this time it is for real, he thought that by having me emotionally, financially, physically and mentally drained that i wouldnt have the strength to take the kids and go but he is so wrong. i just need to know how to help my kids through this so thwy will want to stay and live with me. he has said that i will never get them becuase i drink too much wine and have a history of depression.
     
  6. brokensoul98

    brokensoul98 Well-Known Member

    maybe get yourself and kids into family counseling to show the court your making an effort on your part. obviously he isn't. with counseling, maybe it will help open the kids eyes to his manipulation. can't hurt. men are just bastards..kids are so vulnerable and easy to sway..wish they could really see what we live with..but we as moms protect them them from that, and the dads come out the hero..i wish you well and get everything your going for..i got zero....but then,,he never worked till she grew up..
     
  7. lfdy

    lfdy Active Member

    hey thanks for that. tomorrow is going to be a long day, so i am logging off now. thanks for talking to me, it has been good. take care.
     
  8. Smashed__

    Smashed__ Well-Known Member

    They are old enough for you to call them all in and have them sit down. Don't treat them like babies, I would tell them what you feel at their age they can handle. maybe for the older one(17) it could continue seperate from the younger.

    They NEED to know you were abused for 19 years, and they need to understand what was going on was NOT okay. That no person should have to go through it. Otherwise it leaves your girls(if you have any?) thinking its okay to be hit or talked down to in their relationships and it leaves the boys(if you have any) that its okay to hit or verbally abuse their mate. either do this in a room in the house and stay infront of the door or take them to a counsler- but it needs to be done.

    I wouldn't talk down about your ex, but don't act like what he did was okay. I would give them a chance to ask questions or share concerns at any time.

    My father left my mother and my sisters and I when I was 10/11, I don't remember any verbal or physical abuse. infact there were no real fights. My mother has been called and blamed for everything by him and his mother. However, we know better. She has always been honest with us and always given us the option to talk with him- WE chose not to. I think a big part of why we understand and never 'turned' on her is because she was honest and never talked down about him no matter ow much she hated him. :unsure: