Afraid I'm Snapping...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Anam_Cara, Jun 23, 2008.

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  1. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    :sad: i think i am really losing my sanity... i can't deal with my family any longer or im going to end up in a mental hospital or jail for beating them up... 16 years of this is TOO MUCH! ive posted about them before but for those who dont know my family are complete control freaks, my grandmother is a bully who over the years has driven me to suicide attempts, self injury and depression problems as well as escapism in both alcohol and pain pills.. now before i get into this i have to state my family does do some wonderful things and they have kept a roof over my head and taken care of me all my life, i am grateful for the wonderful things, and for them having taken care of me.. what i am not grateful for is this constant bullying and her making me want to die... i was spoiled rotten as a child, they gave me everything and anything i wanted.. i never hear the end of that either... every time i bring up the issues i have with them it's always "All we've ever done is spoil you, we spent money buying this or this.." and here comes the list of everything they ever spent money on... its ALWAYS thrown in my face how much they've spent on me which only makes me feel more like shit... that was their CHOICE.. i didn't tell them to go buy me those things.. they did it of their own free will... it's become the loophole for them dodging the issues i put before them.. :mad: if i tell them they're saying hurtful things, ill get told that they've loved me more than anyone even my own parents and then go off on how much they've spent, ticking off every object.. or vacation they've taken me on.. for christ's sake its NOT about money!!! I get so tired of hearing what they've spent... it's meant to guilt trip me into kissing their ass and forgetting all about the wrong THEY do in how they talk to me now...

    Here is the problem: my grandmother is pushing me to the point of suicide yet again... my grandfather is afraid of my grandmother she even bullies him CONSTANTLY! shes like a bulldozer smashing right over someone..

    i can't rely on grandad to speak up and take my side because she'll get him in a corner and threaten him with everything from divorce/taking him for half of everything he has OR she will react physically and demolish the house or furniture in a rage if he doesn't go along with whatever she wants.. there has been many times that shes outright threatened to leave him if he didn't come down on me punishment wise like she demands... the only thing she has that she can possibly punish me with is taking away my internet and putting me in complete solitude which she has tried to do countless times.. im 29 but she still thinks she can order me around like im a 2 year old and goes into a rage if i express the reality that i am of age and can do as i wish.. now granted they DO pay my net at the moment as i have no job and am unable to get one, and the other thing she is currently holding over my head is the money that comes from the sale of MY house... they demanded i put the house in their name so that creditors and what not cant come after me for debt.. mainly medical bills i've wracked up as i have no insurance and cant get any help with it.. anyway suffice it to say that i foolishly put the house in their name trusting that family would help me protect my investment.. i owned the house free and clear paid in full it was MINE, but because of the fact they've been paying the rent and bills for me as well as doing some fixing up of the house.. now they are saying it's THEIR house, and legally with their name on it ive got no leg to stand on in court... :sad: grandmother threatens me constantly with "If you dont do everything i tell you that you HAVE to, ill make sure you get NO money when the house sells.." i invested a good 20k in the house, and at best ill get a few thousand back, they've tallied up all the rent and bills and claim that the majority of the money is owed back to them.. hey at least i get a few thousand... if i get down on my knees and kiss grandmother's ass, let her degrade me, scream at me, say hurtful things and bully me to the point that i want to die.. I am grateful for the financial HELP but im tired of having to take her shit to compensate for it.. she ALWAYS finds something to hang over others heads and apply pressure with.. each and everyone of her family members.. she finds their weakness or their stress point and uses it until that person just breaks and gives up..

    my hatred of this woman's control and manipulation started when i was 13... i got into a relationship and married early to GET AWAY from HER, and unfortunately that man turned out to be an abuser, on all levels, i put up with it from 18 to 21.. his beatings when he was in black out states, i miscarried at 4 weeks with my second pregnancy when me repeatedly kicked me in the stomach while drunk, he threatened to kill our pets, told me he'd take them out and cut their throats with a knife if they disturbed his tv time by walking in front of it.. i saw him pick up one of our dogs by the skin on its back and slam it down on the floor start punching it in the head... he molested me while drunk, screamed at his baby daughter telling her he hated the fact she was breathing, he ignored our daughter every day while i was with him, denied me medical care when i was seriously ill, refused me medications i needed, threatened to kill me if i tried to take any money from him if and when we divorced...

    tonight my grandmother was busily telling me id get no money from the house because i was cussing over the fact she made a mess in the kitchen AGAIN just after i cleaned up the first (im her damn cinderella dishwasher) everytime there is so much as a fork in the sink im called back in to do MORE dishes.. anyway in her ranting at me she popped off with how she felt sorry for my ex, that she sees why he didnt want me (because i complain all the time and am a bitch in her words).. she went off patronizing him, how she felt sorry for him having to put up with me.. well this just blew me up into a rage, after ALL the evil and horrible things he did to me she tells me she feels SORRY for him and basically came off saying he was justified simply because im cranky and complain.. as for the cussing she does it ALL the time, to my grandfather especially calls him awful names, she bitches CONSTANTLY about everything, shes a racist constantly making racial slurs about certain ethnic groups to the point im embarassed to be around her, thats ALL she does, bitch, bitch bitch and degrade others both me and the ethnic groups she loathes... i HATE being in her presence... after she said that to me about the ex i blew up and started screaming at her and she tried to back me in a corner trying to slap me in the face for raising my voice at her.. so i swung at her in a warning, and she grabbed my wrist leering at me with what looked like pure hate... i told her its against the law to slap or hit another and if she did id make sure she got in trouble for it, to which she once again threatened to take ALL the money for the house when it sells and leave me with nothing..

    i swear to god i am so afraid im going to beat her up, i feel like im snapping seriously... i wanted nothing more than to smash her face in :sad: im NOT a violent person ive always taken other's abuse and done nothing but shes provoking such hatred and anger im afraid one of these times ill just beat the crap out of her for it.. all the things that trigger my rages she does... say hurtful things, provoke me, degrade me, control me, violate my privacy rummaging in my belongings, NOTHING is sacred or off limits to her, she has taken things out of my room things that meant ALOT to me and gotten rid of them.. what do you do when the only way you can get out of a situation is with money that someone is holding over your head? legally the house is in their name, not mine, and if i stand up for myself and fight back against her control and bullying she'll make sure i get nothing which means i'll be stuck with them and under her thumb permanently.. she always has me back against the wall and with NO options but to put up with her shit.. or to end my life to get out of it... the latter is starting to sound more and more inviting..
    .
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    do you know the book "toxic parents" (you can prob. get it from amazon or from the library cheaply) -- in your case, they should retitle it toxic grandparents. it might help you identify and escape from the toxic situation that you find yourself in.

    i know you have invested alot of $$ in the house, but for your own health you just might have to walk away. it sounds so unhealthy for you to stay there. do you have any savings? enough for a few months rent? or could you apply for assistance? the fact that the house is no longer in your name might help you in that regard.

    please don't do anything rash, like hurt them or hurt yourself. just focus on getting out.
     
  3. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    dazzle i have NO savings, less than 200.00 to my name, all i had went into paying bills and rent in this place... i have nothing to my name but the nearly 200.00 i saved up selling my own things, nothing left to sell either... ive got NO job, no money, no medical insurance, only one friend i can stay with in the near future but i need the money from the house sale to move on... and i refuse to go live in an RV with my grandparents.. they own a 36 ft long rv and im sorry id choose death before going into that thing with them if a 70 ft mobile home with a locking door isnt big enough...

    assistance refuses to help me ive been through it and been turned down 13 times now... even with no money :sad: i really am beginning to think that suicide would at least be an act of mercy on my part.. except id hurt the one person i love with all my heart and abandon them in doing so.. thats ALL that's stopping me in this moment... i want out badly... id not hurt them badly, maybe just a single punch but myself i cant say the same for... if i got started harming me i wouldn't stop... the pull is too overwhelming..

    oh and as for getting out, somehow grandmother manages to screw that up for me.. the last time i had a roomate situation that was about to happen she went and told my would be roomate's mother things about me that ruined the whole move... her mum took her back, after grandma had a "talk" with her... grandma screwed up my marriage too..constantly nagging the ex, invading the apartment rummaging in our home, bringing 3rd parties into the picture and getting the ex pissed off.. he just ended up beating on me for the meddling she did... im terrified to have anyone around my family and there is no way around it for reasons i cant get into i can't completely slam doors on family... but i do need to not live in the same house... grandma just finds ways to meddle and screw up every situation i get into, and ive had a psychologist tell me ages ago it's because she wants to keep me in HER home under HER control so she meddles until the situations im in get screwed up and i end up back in her home...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 23, 2008
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you need this book. honestly.

    if you aren't living with your grandparents you can CHANGE the LOCKS. that will give her a nasty surprise when she shows up at your house next time. just a thought...
     
  5. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    :sad:unfortunately i am living with them right now, and the house is in their name so changing locks isnt an option... things are a bit calmer today at least.. :unsure:however long that lasts
     
  6. kittyD

    kittyD Well-Known Member

    One thing I learnt in Al-Anon ws to give thanks for the small things, like a calmer day. i guess the idea was to recognize the small blessings to be able to identify the big ones when they came along and to jumpstart the universe into giving bigger ones. grin.
    kD
     
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