Everything seems to be going wrong. After a series of events, my family is in a bit of an economic struggle, which puts more weight on my education. I am being financially aided to continue my college courses, however, somewhere along the way, I decided to become incompetent and laze off, with the self promise that I would eventually get my act together and do good. Of course, now there are 2 weeks left, and my future education depends on them. Without being fully aware of the consequences, I failed 2 courses last semester, which brought my GPA down. By how much? I don't know. But I'm sure if I fail any class this semester, I'll be under a 2.0 GPA, which would mean no more financial aid support, which would result in me being unable to continue my college education. I go to a community college, which only allows their students to stay for 2 years, no matter failure or passing. So if you didn't get your courses and credit hours out of the way and ready for transfer, then you're basically screwed. I'm facing that music, and I've only hit my second semester. Ever since I started drinking and smoking pot (of which I've stopped) in my junior year of High School, my ambition, my drive, has left me. I am a hallow thing. I am lazy, unmotivated, unpassionate. I suffer from a series of mental disorders, such as manic depression, self harm, pathological liar, sociopath, suicidal, psychosis, eating disorder. Mix depression with sociopath, you get lack of motivation and indifference, which is horrifying when you're suicidal, and what creates that last resort is the fear of failure. As of late, my younger brother has proven himself the noteworthy person of our family. He's got an impressive GPA score, is in all advanced classes, has been awarded by his peers, already promises varied academic achievements and quite possibly scholarships. Everything I wanted in my life, he has. So when I see him succeed, I don't become driven, I become weary. I feel like a failure. And I see it in my mothers eyes when she looks to him, then to me. I see it in her when I tell her about my college struggles. So it's a double whammy. I'm a failure in college, and I'm a failure in my family. It's all my fault, and I feel like I'll never find it in me to fix it; to put an end to my constant knack of failing to do what's important. And it's funny, cause I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. However, I've gotten back to self harming, and this time, rather than for the act, it's like a test. Back then, I'd be too scared to harm myself much more because it genuinely hurt. Now, I find myself pushing the blade deeper, and I don't seem to care much about the pain. Internally, there's a buzz in my ears, externally, I look as impassive, as if stopping for a red light with all the time in the world. I don't go crazy though, just small sections, enough to be covered by a small circular bandage. So I catch myself wondering if that's how it's gonna be done. But then I remember my first impulsive OD, the feeling, soft, warm, alluring - save for the withdrawal, Gods, that was awful. I sometimes stare at a distant buildings rooftop and think if I can gain the courage. Sometimes I stand at street corners and think about just walking in when cars are speeding by. I genuinely just don't have it in me to struggle much anymore, and it's pathetic, cause I'm not at a point in my life to say that I have nothing to live for. People always say things like- "You don't know life yet, you're just 21." or "Think of those who care for you, think of how they'd feel if you left them behind." (To which I'll now inform that I could genuinely not give a rats ass about putting them into emotional turmoil. Not because I'd enjoy it, or because I'm a sadist, but because I don't care.) People also most always ask what one can seen 10 years down in their future; where they'll be. I can't say. I see the 'now', and then see my 'future' as a helpless selfish bastard living off of their parents retirement money- of which I say HELL NO. Not because it's pathetic, but because I could never do that. I don't want my mom to be old and worrying over helping pay my rent. What kind of daughter does that? To a mother who's struggled all her life to at least get where she is today? I would never. I just don't see a long run for me is all. Thanks to failure.