Afraid of failure, can't care enough to prevent it. Ergo-

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by _Sil_, Nov 18, 2012.

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  1. _Sil_

    _Sil_ Member

    Everything seems to be going wrong.

    After a series of events, my family is in a bit of an economic struggle, which puts more weight on my education. I am being financially aided to continue my college courses, however, somewhere along the way, I decided to become incompetent and laze off, with the self promise that I would eventually get my act together and do good.
    Of course, now there are 2 weeks left, and my future education depends on them.

    Without being fully aware of the consequences, I failed 2 courses last semester, which brought my GPA down. By how much? I don't know. But I'm sure if I fail any class this semester, I'll be under a 2.0 GPA, which would mean no more financial aid support, which would result in me being unable to continue my college education.

    I go to a community college, which only allows their students to stay for 2 years, no matter failure or passing. So if you didn't get your courses and credit hours out of the way and ready for transfer, then you're basically screwed. I'm facing that music, and I've only hit my second semester.

    Ever since I started drinking and smoking pot (of which I've stopped) in my junior year of High School, my ambition, my drive, has left me. I am a hallow thing.
    I am lazy, unmotivated, unpassionate.

    I suffer from a series of mental disorders, such as manic depression, self harm, pathological liar, sociopath, suicidal, psychosis, eating disorder.
    Mix depression with sociopath, you get lack of motivation and indifference, which is horrifying when you're suicidal, and what creates that last resort is the fear of failure.

    As of late, my younger brother has proven himself the noteworthy person of our family. He's got an impressive GPA score, is in all advanced classes, has been awarded by his peers, already promises varied academic achievements and quite possibly scholarships. Everything I wanted in my life, he has.
    So when I see him succeed, I don't become driven, I become weary.
    I feel like a failure. And I see it in my mothers eyes when she looks to him, then to me. I see it in her when I tell her about my college struggles.

    So it's a double whammy.
    I'm a failure in college, and I'm a failure in my family.

    It's all my fault, and I feel like I'll never find it in me to fix it; to put an end to my constant knack of failing to do what's important.

    And it's funny, cause I don't want to die, but I don't want to live.

    However, I've gotten back to self harming, and this time, rather than for the act, it's like a test. Back then, I'd be too scared to harm myself much more because it genuinely hurt. Now, I find myself pushing the blade deeper, and I don't seem to care much about the pain. Internally, there's a buzz in my ears, externally, I look as impassive, as if stopping for a red light with all the time in the world.
    I don't go crazy though, just small sections, enough to be covered by a small circular bandage.
    So I catch myself wondering if that's how it's gonna be done.

    But then I remember my first impulsive OD, the feeling, soft, warm, alluring - save for the withdrawal, Gods, that was awful.

    I sometimes stare at a distant buildings rooftop and think if I can gain the courage.

    Sometimes I stand at street corners and think about just walking in when cars are speeding by.

    I genuinely just don't have it in me to struggle much anymore, and it's pathetic, cause I'm not at a point in my life to say that I have nothing to live for.

    People always say things like-
    "You don't know life yet, you're just 21."
    or
    "Think of those who care for you, think of how they'd feel if you left them behind." (To which I'll now inform that I could genuinely not give a rats ass about putting them into emotional turmoil. Not because I'd enjoy it, or because I'm a sadist, but because I don't care.)

    People also most always ask what one can seen 10 years down in their future; where they'll be.
    I can't say. I see the 'now', and then see my 'future' as a helpless selfish bastard living off of their parents retirement money- of which I say HELL NO. Not because it's pathetic, but because I could never do that. I don't want my mom to be old and worrying over helping pay my rent. What kind of daughter does that? To a mother who's struggled all her life to at least get where she is today? I would never.

    I just don't see a long run for me is all. Thanks to failure.
     
  2. nosik

    nosik Member

    Hello Sil.

    I understand your situation because I currently find myself in quite a similar one. I feel the same emptiness inside, with no strong desires, ambitions, passion. There is this often overwhelming feeling of general tiredness, that makes we wish for all of it to stop. The idea of death quite naturally scares me, although I still cling to the belief that if or when it gets really unbearable I will have courage to put an end to it. As you said it yourself, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either.

    I did have troubles in my recent efforts in academia, and most of them, if not all, were of my own doing. I still feel numb, lost, confused. And tired, endlessly tired. So, I do not have a solution, or an answer, or even the encouraging "it will get better" for you. However, I do have some thoughts based on your post, which might be of help.

    First of all, if you are having problems with your marks, ask for help. Yes, it will require some effort. Yes, it might not eventually help. But if you keep it to yourself, things are unlikely to change. If there is anything at all that can be done to improve the situation with your GPA, try to make it happen. Contact the director of studies, a consultant at school, teachers, whoever you can reach. Even if you are 100% sure nothing can be done or that they will not be willing to help you - ask. It will do you no harm, and you never know where the solution or help might come from. I am saying this because I refused to do this myself until it was too late, and now I am actually regretting it.

    Secondly, it might be hard to look at things this way right now, but college education is not all. It certainly opens certain doors, and might make life a bit easier, but it is not everything. One can survive without it. Not having an academic degree does not make you less of a person. It does not make you less intelligent or less valuable. There are other ways of self-development. And in some corner of my mind I am starting to think that not being bound by standard educational system might actually be a chance to break free from the common formula of "success". That it might actually be an opportunity for me to find something I, not my family, not my friends, not my teachers, but I, will actually care about.

    Thirdly, don't let yourself get affected by other people's success. I have this problem too. My way of "dealing" with it at this very moment is to get as little exposure to it as possible (e.g. un-friending or hiding all such people on LinkedIn and Facebook). It is not the best solution, or not a solution at all, but it keeps me from losing sleep over other people's achievements. And keep in mind that what you might see as success is not necessarily that way in reality. And high marks, and a nice degree is not a guarantee for a happy and fulfilling or even a "successful" future.

    Finally, you mentioned sociopathy as one of your mental disorders. From your post I can see that you actually do care about your family - your mom, for instance. You do not want to be a burden to her in her older years. This shows that you actually have conscience, that you have morals and that you care about your mother. This does not fit into the description of a sociopath.
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for your difficulties. By the list of past and/or present disorders you have been under the care of medical professionals/ mental health experts of some sort. What do they say about your current situation? Are they offering any help or support at all? School with even the most stringent polices make exceptions for illness - you may well qualify if you have your care provider give you a letter and take to the college in way of explanation. It is certainly worth a try.As well as helping with the college situation it could hep with many of the other issues as well - certainly worth an appt to discuss these other issues.
    If it is 2 years look into a summer semester for classes. It takes 60-64 credits to get an associates degree typically and a full time student load is considered 12 credit hours which means 48 credits at the end of 2 years unless one uses summer semesters so it is very likely that if you contact the right people you can find an exception to your benefit.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
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