a little less than a year ago i felt everything went as wrong as they could and i started to cut myself in order to ease the pain inside. i felt excided because i was doing something that teachers at health education classes told was forbidden, sick and unnatural. i had always been a good girl; my grades above average, never in detention, having "good" friends etc. it felt good to break the rules, even in secret. there i found a way to survive. but after a while a realized i could not continue this forever, i had to stop. even thought my cuts were still shallow, i found myself unable to stop. i wanted to escape. i decided to move another city, to move to live with my dad and his new family and start upper secondary school there. there i could be happier than here, old faces reminding of my past, my misery. a week and a half it's been since i and my dad went to pick my things up from my mom's house. i feel comfortable here, since this is the place i spent my first eight years. but when i start to think, althought i got away from the place i hated, where i many times wished death, this room i now have, i've had since i was four, is the same room i first cut myself. and now, even thought i promised myself to stop cutting, to leave those things in past, i can find several cuts on my hips (i decided wrist was too visible place) and on my upper thigh, less than a hour old, still shallow enough to stop bleeding after a few minutes but deeper than ever before. i'm afraid of future, of thore deeper cuts that will leave permanent scars, of someone finding out. yet i can not stop. i have no one i could tell, no one who would be my support. i am not a person who could tell her deepest thoughts to a stranger, but no one i know would keep it as a secret between the two of us, not even my best friend. i know her enough to know she cares about me enough to tell my secret forward when it's about my health and safety. i want to stop but i can't do it by myself and telling others would destroy my dreams about future of being an exchange student abroad.