afraid of future

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Ezak, Aug 9, 2009.

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  1. Ezak

    Ezak Member

    a little less than a year ago i felt everything went as wrong as they could and i started to cut myself in order to ease the pain inside. i felt excided because i was doing something that teachers at health education classes told was forbidden, sick and unnatural. i had always been a good girl; my grades above average, never in detention, having "good" friends etc. it felt good to break the rules, even in secret. there i found a way to survive.
    but after a while a realized i could not continue this forever, i had to stop. even thought my cuts were still shallow, i found myself unable to stop. i wanted to escape. i decided to move another city, to move to live with my dad and his new family and start upper secondary school there. there i could be happier than here, old faces reminding of my past, my misery.
    a week and a half it's been since i and my dad went to pick my things up from my mom's house. i feel comfortable here, since this is the place i spent my first eight years. but when i start to think, althought i got away from the place i hated, where i many times wished death, this room i now have, i've had since i was four, is the same room i first cut myself. and now, even thought i promised myself to stop cutting, to leave those things in past, i can find several cuts on my hips (i decided wrist was too visible place) and on my upper thigh, less than a hour old, still shallow enough to stop bleeding after a few minutes but deeper than ever before.

    i'm afraid of future, of thore deeper cuts that will leave permanent scars, of someone finding out. yet i can not stop. i have no one i could tell, no one who would be my support. i am not a person who could tell her deepest thoughts to a stranger, but no one i know would keep it as a secret between the two of us, not even my best friend. i know her enough to know she cares about me enough to tell my secret forward when it's about my health and safety. i want to stop but i can't do it by myself and telling others would destroy my dreams about future of being an exchange student abroad.
  2. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    i am the same as you, same with the grades, the baehaviour, no 1 would ever expect me to cut, but i do and like you i hide it as im not prepared to be asked questions, i also want to stop and have done for several days at a time, but then i relapse and then they can get deeper, the thing that can make me stop sometimes is thinking what peoples reactions would be if they ever saw them and things like that it can often help, it is hard but you have to try and find something to repalce the urge, like flicking elastic bands on your wrists, it hurts but it does not mark so is safer, or go for a walk when you have the urge or listen to music, write a diary, i hope you can some how stop or at least cut down :) pm if u need to talk, :biggrin:
  3. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug: please try and get help for this hun... SI can become very addictive and the cuts only get deeper. do you have a therapist you could talk to about this? if not, i think it would be a very good idea :hug: thinking of you xx
  4. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    I get what you mean -- I was (am?) in the same position. Although, unlike you, it's a habit that I've now carried for about 5 years, on and off now. You seem to have been cutting for a lesser time frame. Please, I beg you, try to stop. You really DON'T want them to get any deeper -- it's not worth it, the infections are a bitch and cleaning up and hiding it from other people just gets harder and harder and you find that you're able to do less and less because you have scars. For instance, I used to love athletics, but for me, it's out. Period. The uniform's too revealing and I've had to avoid teachers and coaches that keep bugging me to join the team again. I mean, sure, yeah, there are ways to cover scars, but they're not foolproof and you can usually still see them.

    I know it's hard and I understand the fear. I get the feeling that a part of you *does* want to stop, if even only a small part? Correct me if I'm wrong. If you are serious about stopping, you need to find out *why* it is that you cut, because that can help you figure out what you're going to replace cutting with whenever you feel the need -- for example, if you cut because you need to let out anger, doing something calming probably isn't going to work too well because you'll just bottle your anger. If you cut because you're angry, then you're probably better to do something physical; if you have dogs, take them for a walk, go punch a pillow, go for a run... get the idea?

    Of course, I'd also reccommend professional help, but this only works if you're willing to put in the work -- you can't sit there and expect them to hand you a pre packaged solution. Telling someone's hard, but I dont think it would jepoardise your chances of being an exchange student -- I was still allowed on numerous camps as a participant and a group leader and solo expeditions and allowed overseas, even though the adults were well aware of my self harm. Nothing's impossible -- you just have to word your case carefully and convincingly.

    Good luck, and my inbox is open if you want. :hug:

  5. Ezak

    Ezak Member

    a part of me does want to stop, but i can't. i've always taken everything to my heart, seldom talking to anyone about things burdering my heart. that's why i do it. i cut myself when the pain inside me is becoming too heavy for me. it eases my heart. i have noticed alcohol (i know i'm minor but no one cares nowdays) feels to double the burden if i stop and let it affect my heart. thet's why i cave in the urge to cut myself last night (it was night in europe).
    i know i should be more vocal, but my parents used to fight a lot when tere were still together and it was then when i learned it's safer when you try to be invisible. especially when people are drunk. like in front of my dad because when he's drunk and gets angry, he can get violent. he threatened to hit me at his own wedding last month when i lost my party mood and the whole week's stress fell on me. i was lucky to have my older brother there to protect me and lend a shoulder :)

    i've read posts at other forums and other exchange students say here it must be over two years since therapy or exchange organisations won't accept you, and my last change to get approved in within a year. for the last year that has been my most important dream, so i don't believe i could handle it if i was to be rejected because of that (i'm having major language problems to try to explain. hell, my english teacher would probably kill me for bad grammar:) ). it would be my worst nightmare.

    and thanks for caring.
  6. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to say that I understand a lot of what you all are going through. I was a self mutilator, I am old and that is what they called it way back then, but have stopped so you can too. I am happy to be a friend to any of you and happy to provide a listening ear and provide any support I can to each of you. Please feel free to contact me as maybe I could be of some help...never hurts to try does it?

    Love B
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