Afraid of getting close to someone again

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by marklondon, Oct 15, 2012.

  1. marklondon

    marklondon Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone,

    Last year I posted my story on here, not to repeat the whole thing, but an 8 year relationship ended in horrible betrayal, and I nearly didn't survive. But in the end, I made it.

    In the past 17 months since my breakup, I have had flings, which I never wanted to become relationships, although three of these women actually told me they had fallen in love with me (I was completely honest and open with everyone that I simply wasn't ready for a relationship).

    But then 3 weeks ago I got together with this woman who is really the first one in all this time that I could have actually seen working out as a relationship. At first, she kept me at a bit of a distance, and I became a bit besotted with her. But then she started to warm to me, and suddenly I had a horrible feeling I have never had. A sort of cold dread at the idea of a relationship.

    In fact, I am absolutely certain this will go nowhere, that there is no chance we will have any kind of a real relationship, let alone a lasting one. Honestly, I don't think I am good enough for her. But more than that, I had no idea how incredibly scarred I apparently am. During all this time, I repeated to myself over and over that I was going to take a break from relationships for a few years, and that when I finally did have one, I knew I would be betrayed again. But my fear now, my horrible discomfort at the idea of a relationship, seems to be much deeper and more unconscious than that; it's not based on any thoughts about consequences, just an incredible aversion to the thought of getting close to someone again.

    I'm not sure if I'm going to sabotage this thing, or if I already have in some way, or if somehow it's actually got more of a chance of working out than I feel it does -- but in that case, I'm not really sure I should go through with it. We have a great physical connection, and she's an amazing woman. I think she could be really good for me, though I'm not sure whether I would be any good for her. Probably it won't last even another day; probably I'm going to make a fool out of myself and I'm over-thinking this.

    I'm just shocked at how scarred I seem to be, how deeply fucked up I seem to be on a level which I wasn't even aware of. I realised, too, how fixated I've been on relationships and everything to do with them for the past 17 months; before, I rarely talked about them, and now I feel like a broken record, talking about women and love and other people's relationships and my own, all the bloody time. I hate it: this is not me. And I am ready to go back to being me, though certainly not the same person I was before. I have had enough of these thoughts, this fixation, this trauma.

    How can I move on?

  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Hey Mark,

    I can't answer your basic question as to how to move on because that answer is different for everybody. Likely people will share suggestions to try but in the end it will be on you to figure out what works best for you.

    In the mean time my suggestion is to relax and try not to live in the future - that is just as important as not living in the past. It has been 3 weeks, get through the intitial rush of excitement and newness, enjoy these days, and see where it develops and what it leads to. In my opinion your concerns about the future of the relationship you are just starting are better left to be worried about in some weeks or months from now, once you have decided for certain if you even want to continue it yourself. It is easy to be self destructive in a relationship that you in you own mind are not certain if you even want - enjoy what it brings to your life each day and let tomorrow take care of itself. Just my thoughts.

    Take Care

  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Sounds like it's too early.
    Grief can take it's own good time to get over and sometimes we just need to fly solo, while we work out who we are, what happened and when and if we are ready to try again.
    It's been seven years since my marriage broke down and I still have no desire to get involved again, I may never want to and that's a valid choice too.

    Take it slow and don't over think the whole thing.
    If it's right, time will sort it out, without you examining every facet of it.
    Of course you are scared, you've been hurt and trust lost is hard to get back, so take it slow.