Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Jul 12, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    I am so much afraid right now...

    I have to call my doctor tomorrow to make an appointment with him and i am thinking about asking him to go ahead and put me onto the chemo and radiation scehduale but i have never been through nothing like that...

    i dont know if i can do it and its not really going to help matters any just prolong this stupid pain and hurt that i got....

    i dont know if i can go through it or not.... i want to just give up and end it all right now.. what is the point in trying to go on or fight a battle that i can not win..

    i have been drinking tonight and taking my ibuprofhen pills to ease this pain yet it is making me want to just give up and end it all...

    im having those feelings again of just ending it all. i mean what is the point in trying to go on for anyhow??? heck im dying and i cant stop it.. i have nothing to look forward to but a death..

    Im afraid of trying to fight this.. i have no one. and no one would care about me if i did go on and die..

    what is the point in trying to live? to suffer more of this stupid pain??
  2. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

    Usually, it's a very good idea to go with the treatment, of course.

    You may want to join an online or real-life support group for cancer patients. Personally, I would also want to see also see a therapist that has experience with cancer patients.

    BTW, for some people with cancer, Elizabeth Edwards is a positive role model, and there are probably lots of self-help books on dealing with cancer and the ensuing existential challenges (secondary depression).
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 12, 2007
  3. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    with treatment i have about 6 months .. it will not cure it.. i have liver cancer that has spread to other parts of my body.. my cancer is hepatocellular carcinoma.. it always kills those who get it within a year , so basically im screwed out of this life anyway...

    i also seen my mom die and i had held her hands many nights as she was throwing up.. she had stomack cancer . and i seen what she went through and i dont want to go through that.. that is why i have been thinking about suicide.. im dying anyway so why prolong a life of more pain

    seeing what she went through scares the living hell out of me...

  4. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

    From what I have just read elsewhere:

    Certainly, I would hope that the chemo would be a win-win proposition of living longer with better quality of life than you would have without the chemo.

    Have you mentioned these concerns to your doctor ? Doctors are usually pretty good about talking about pros vs. cons of any procedure. I think you should speak frankly to your doctor and not hold back. Oncologists, I assume, are used to dealing with patients considering palliative care vs. treatment and patients with thoughts of suicide.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 12, 2007
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    look i know that you mean well but really you do not understand my pain.. i am battling two pains at once.. i have basically no one that cares for me at all. my family dont care really , so why prolong a life of more pain and misery??

  6. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

    If you don't pursue chemo, I would assume that if you go to a hospice for palliative care, they would give you much better drugs for pain management.

    I would hope, however, that even as an outpatient undergoing chemo, you can get aggressive pain management, including morphine drips or patches or whatever they have now.

    You can let go at any time, but most terminally ill cancer patients with secondary depreression continue to have meaningful experiences until death.

    Are you getting the best professional help in exploring your options, including palliative and hospice care? You need to be frank with your oncologist about your very reasonable concerns and let him/her know that you prefer quality of life over quantity of life, which is what I am hearing from you. The doctor can refer you to palliative care if that is your choice.

    As you may know, hospice care is available in the home, as well (usually paid for by Medicare, Medicaid, or private insurance).
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2007
  7. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i dont even know what hospice is except i have heard they let you stay home while you are sick... thats not whats bothering me...

    what is bathering me is the fear of what i seen my mom go through and i dont want to go through that... The fear of more pain... the fear of being stuck in a stupid bed all the time , not being able to go anywhere... a slow agonizing death....

    I just dont think i can do that.. i am not that strong... and because of my stupid dumb self and my stupid dumb past nobody would believe me if i did tell any family or friends and what good does it anyway to even be here... it would be so easy to end it.. i have everything i need .. i just have one wish that i need to try and hold on to so i can fulfill it.. i need to make something right and tell someone goodbye but i am about to even give up hope on that...

    i dont really care who believes me or not... this is real.. i am facing a real death.. i am battling a real cancer and theres not a damn thing i can do to stop it.. i am screwed out of this life no matter what... im screwed out of everything...

    I always get delt with stuff , all the stupid stinking time , and im tired of it.. i didnt ask for this . i never asked for it and yet it happens anyway.. i got a stupid cancer anyway.. my stupid pathic life is going to end... why does it always have to happen to me? why do i always get the bad deal with everything? Why me?

    i am nothing . i am totally worthless.. just walking upon this earth for nothing.. was born for nothing.. born to suffer hardship upon hardship.. thought hey , i will become a christian and things will get better but you know what they dont, they didnt for me and i am tired of it.. of this stupid life... i am tired of everything always happening to me... i have heard so many times people tell me things happen to me because i make them happen...

    well i didnt want this cancer and i sure as hell didnt bring it upon myself... nothing ever goes right for me.. it never has and doesnt look like it will either... God i am so sick of this...
  8. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

    This is exactly what you need to tell your oncologist. Of course, the symptoms your mother had are not necessarily going to be indicative of your experience. Also, with the advances now in palliative care, you need not be afraid, IMHO.

    You clearly need emotional support as well, such as group therapy with other terminally ill cancer patients or a therapist/counselor with experience with terminally ill patients. A local hospice would be able to provide such resources or refer you to them.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2007
  9. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I've been praying for you WD, and if you choose to go through treatment, I think it could be a wonderful thing for you. God can work miracles in our lives and in our hearts.
  10. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thanks for the prayers peanut and to anyone else who prays for me..

    it is just so hard to comprehend it all.

    i dont want to believe it , you know? i want to just lay down and go to sleep and then wake up in a new day without cancer but thats not going to happen...

    i never asked for this... and i diffently did not want it... why did i have to get it? its getting me so down and so depressed... I keep thinking if i had died my last attempt then i would not be here to suffer more pain...

    Those that saved me that day , did not really save me... they brought me back to die a slower death...

    it just is not fair... my life has never been fair at all..

    i want it to go away.. i want all of it to just go away but it will not.... i dont want this.. i dont want cancer.. i want to be healthy .. i want to someday find a good man and have kids.. i want to travel the world and see places like where Jesus walked and preached and taught.. i want to visit the red sea .. i want to someday visit austraila and take a safari. i want to visit canada and all its beauty... i want to see another christmas morning with snow on the ground. i want to build a snow angel in the freash snow.. i want to run barefoot through sandd at a sunny beach.. i want to ride a horse through the woods... i want to be able to turn 36 ... i will not be able to do this... it has been taken from me..

    all this has me hurting.... i never realized just how much life meant or how little we take it for granted... everyone is only here for the majority of just 100 years , and most dont even make it to 90 ... yet look at me... i wont even make it to 40...

    its not fair... not fair at all to me...
  11. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    You are right WD, it's so unfair. But try to take up your cross like Jesus did, and use him as your model.

    Prayer can work wonders and I am going to say a rosary for you, praying that you will get better, but if you do not, I pray that you will find peace.

    There is no moral law saying that you MUST take treatment, but should you choose to, I believe that God will be by your side every step of the way, and I will be praying for you. Miracles can happen WD.

    The rosary has helped me a lot in my life in my meditation and prayer and has brought me peace. I know you lost your mother. well, Mary is the mother of the world, and asking for her intercession with God is such a blessing. She can be your new Mother too.

    Try this site:

    It has helped me so much.
  12. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thanks peanut . i will look at that site...

    i know that if i do decide the chemo and radiation.. it will only prolong me more pain...

    i just dont know what to do...

    i have heard so many horrable stories of chemo and radiation.. my mom didnt take anything... it woint help at all really , just prolong it ... im not suire i want to prolong it...

    i just dont know anymore...
  13. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

    Of course, that's why it's so important to get as much information as possible from your doctor regarding what you can expect with either option:

    Again, the ideal outcome I hope for you is a win-win scenario in which chemo, overall, makes your pain more manageable while extending life so that you can do some of the things you dream about.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2007
  14. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    If your Mom didn't take anything, and she was in so much pain, then I suggest you take some treatment...listen to the doctors. We have an excellent cancer center here that does great experimental treatment...maybe you could talk to them? Give God the time to work a miracle in your life, no matter what that miracle is. You seem like such a gentle and truly good deserve a chance.

    Also, I think the site could help you. The rosary works WONDERS in my life to the extent I cannot explain. Mary is the mother of Jesus and therefore God, and she has unlimited compassion and love for all of us, her children. Let her be a comfort to you in your hour of need, White Dove. Her heart is full of love for those who need it and seek her out. Try this site too

    I can't tell you how she has helped me in my times of distress and need. She is the picture of compassion and motherly love, and I think you would really benefit from asking for her intercession right now. :hug:

    Please PM me for more info or if you are just feeling hopeless.
  15. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

    Good point. Also, chemo side effects are far more manageable today:


    Earlier you mentioned you were drinking (alcohol) to receive your pain. However, as I am sure you know, that is not recommended:

    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2007
  16. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    well it might not be recomended but right now this bud light and those 2 800 mg of ibuprofen have eased my pain a little bit...

    i dont think anyone else could handel this much pain... i cant even hardly stand it with the beer and pills but yet i do...

    it eases up a little..

    this pain is like when you get a cramp in your leg ( some i have heard call it a charlie horse ) and you just have to get up out of bed to releave it , well this is just like that but no releaf...

    so i have to do something.. and right now that is all i got to do to take some of thisstupid pain away..

  17. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    okay i looked at those sites and i seen this

    * Unfortunately, HCC is a relatively chemotherapy-resistant tumor; therefore, outcomes using this mode of treatment are unsatisfactory. *

    so basically i just need not to even try chemo cause it will not do any good...
  18. Cybrsk8r

    Cybrsk8r Well-Known Member

    Whatever you decide to do, we'll be here for you and support whatever decision you make. I'll be holding you in my thoughts and prayers.

    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
  19. LostMyMind

    LostMyMind Well-Known Member

    If I gave you my honest opinion it would be deleted.
  20. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    well i got a doc appointment for this coming thursday.... Guess i will decide then...
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