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After effects of many attempts!

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by DariaJane, Jan 27, 2013.

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  1. DariaJane

    DariaJane Active Member

    I am still here after 13 known attempts and several not known to anyone but me. I am 57, however age is only a small factor in this I know. I am battling with this community mental health center that I am mandated to go to. At my last therapist appointment, when I hardly talked to her at all, and said I have given up, she asked me if I had any thoughts of hurting myself and I said no. I also said that evidently I am destined to exist just to prevent my family from going through hell, even though I go through it every day at times. Not all day, I could NOT handle that. I am in a "prison of my own devise". Funny, I don't remember creating it, but according to my family, it is my fault because I am in the bad place I am in. They say, along with the mental health so called therapists that I am not being responsible or being accountable for my actions. I am not cooperative, I have a negative attitude, I don't take advantage of the services I am offered, I just want someone to blow smoke up my ass and tell me what I want to hear, (son told me that). I know I am in the minority of people saying these things, but they do not have a mental illness that makes you feel like death warmed over sometimes, they don't experience the rejection from society due to the stigma of mental illness, they don't know what it is to have to force yourself to get out of bed, take a shower and then have to lie awake or just be awake when all you want to do is sleep. They have not lost a precious career and financial status. This last therapist visit, I told her that I knew she would place the blame back on me, (not because the center has such inadequate staffing and not to mention seemingly uneducated or prejudiced staffing). She said I would not get better if I think this way. The only advise she gave me was to set some goals. Ok, yeah that will fix me. F*ck her.

    I also told her that I am only existing, not living and that it seemed pointless to make any further attempts at taking my life, because I do not want to go through some fresh hell for not succeeding. I made a serious attempt in September '12 and now am mandated to go to this hell hole that is big on trying to make you feel like crap for a whole year longer. The therapist said, it is not a punishment it is a consequence of your actions. Would that not be the definition of punishment? I am not sure how I am going to make it through this year, but if I do not go, I will be picked up by the police because it is court ordered and I would be in contempt of court. Oh yeah, put a near suicidal person in jail. THAT will help!! How ignorant is this process. Anyway, I don't see me going, since it is a waste of my time, except I have to see the doctor.

    Anyway, this is my aftermath of taking 13+ overdoses, I am still here and miserable. I definitely feel I am being punished for being a bad person, but I never thought I was. I am still a RN and have had my license since 1986. I never broke the law or did anything that I know of to deserve to live in this lonely isolated hell. I need help, but there is none that I can afford. All I can figure is that God is punishing me, nothing else makes sense.

    Not to beat a dead horse, but that last therapy session was hellish. I just came home, took a klonopin and went to sleep in the dark. I am thinking of cancelling the next appointment. What is the point of going through all that? It sure was not helpful, she has the compassion of a damn rock!!!!
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello there and welcome to the forums. It sure sounds that you have been through an awful lot! I do agree that being forced to do something you don't want to can be considered by yourself as a 'sentence' but really they are only looking out for you. Keep talking here, you will find many people here that do genuinely care and understand what you are feeling.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Do not cancel your next appt hun as a RN you know that would be sabotaging yourself You hun deserve kindness compassion and care I hope you reach out to whatever resource you can find to help YOU HEAL hun Do not close any doors hun until a new one is opened ok Depression does that to us we seem to burn all our bridges to help Please hang on ok and use what ever resources given to you hugs
  4. DariaJane

    DariaJane Active Member

    That is what us borderlines do during our worst times, sabotoge ourselves. Increase the drama. I feel like I dare them to take me to jail. Then i would be even more furious, but it also might push me into taking a step towards the point of no return. Maybe that is what I want. Of course I truly wish I could wave a magic wand and start my life over and have a happy life. I think I have bad luck all the time. I do believe some people are lucky, some are not. You cannot have ten tons of bad things happen to you and not think that you don't have bad luck. I know I am strong or I would not be here today. I have come really close to dying twice and maybe more than I know. I just want the pain to end. Famous last words. I don't know how much longer I can hang on, seriously.

    Thanks for the replies. Daria
  5. DariaJane

    DariaJane Active Member

    Thanks for the welcome. I do not think they are looking after me, they are torturing me mentally. I have heard, oh that is the depression talking. I am severely depressed for sure, so maybe that is true. Like I said, I just want the pain to end.
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