After four year as a shut in, i'm thinking that it's time to go.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Chaosut27, Feb 18, 2012.

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  1. Chaosut27

    Chaosut27 New Member

    I posted this on the social anxiety forums also but i left out the parts about suicide due to guidelines. I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this because my circumstances are hardly going to change. I suppose i just feel the most alone that I've felt in a long time, and i have zero hope for the future. Unfortunately these aren't exaggerations either, things really are the worst that they've been in a while. And after four years or suffering and dissapointment suicide is a very real possibility.

    The short story is that I've been a shut in for the last four years and now I'm to study or work full time like most people. High school was a terrible experience for me, but my first year of university was so bad that i dropped out before the end of the first semester. I then shut myself in for about four years and would occasionally come up with unrealistic plans to get me out of my predicament. I would rely entirely on escapism, mostly from films and games, to give me any pleasure in life. For four years they were the only thing that kept me going and anything outside of the house would result in extreme anxiety and subsequent depression. As kind as my family and friend (singular no plural) are, they've never understood what I'm going through. Things have been particularly hard the last few months and every night i pray for any kind of god or deity to kill me in my sleep.

    However my anxiety and stress is a bit different because it stems from physical problems only. I started getting terrible skin in high school and after all these years it still isn't much better. I have a large nose that is out of proportion with the rest of my features and my eyes looks intense and creepy even when i am relaxing them. After high school i also started getting seb dermatitis and rosacea, which was just another pile of crap to add to the pile. I've also suffered from a mild stutter most of my life, and whilst that's the one that concerns me the least it's still a frustration.
    So the problem is that no matter what i do i can never improve or feel better unless my physical circumstances were different, and i mean completely different. I'd need to have normal, low-maintenance skin, fluent speech and a completely different face to not feel like crap. And all these things give me such extreme feelings of loneliness and isolation.

    A couple of my problems are niche, so I've never gotten the feeling that i can relate to anybody. They say that man is not an island, but I've felt detached from people my entire life. Few people would care to understand my problems or feel empathy towards me. I'm just some freak who's not acceptable enough to look at. On valentine's day i was so lonely that i had to create an imaginary girlfriend. It wasn't a delusion because i was creating her as a choice and cannot see her visually. But I've been talking and sharing myself with her, which seems to a bit off the loneliness. I'm 22 and I'm not only a virgin in the traditional sense of the word, but also a kissing virgin. I'm cut off from the desire to connect with someone emotionally and physically.

    I just can't see any way out of things right now, and I'm people staring and judging me. I know that many people can manage to get through a tough life, but i am weak. I stay up late and sleep in, then just spend the day playing games or watching a movie. Anything that i have to do socially only makes me anxious and empty. My life has been one big disappointment, and I'll never get to fully express the beauty that i feel is on the inside. I couldn't possibly imagine feeling more isolated than i do right now, and i can't find any consolation in idealism or optimism. This world is a cruel place full of inequality, and I can say with certainty that there is no justice or destiny. I will pray again for a higher entity to kill me, for I am even too weak to do that. But i know that i will have to wake up every morning like i always have. I am full to the brim with cynicism and misanthropy, and i just can't understand why so many lives are made to be miserable. I've dragged my feet through the years of pain and anguish, but there is no resolution. I'm strongly considering suicide within a weeks time, in which i will be watching movies with my imaginary girlfriend and writing the story of my life. But i just don't care about the things that used to keep me going, and sometimes the emotional pain is so high that i don't think i can even wait a week. If i am going to commit suicide i don't know why i'm writing this. I used to wish that my physical body would be different, and i felt that i deserved it because i was somehow special. But i'm not special and an imaginary girlfriend still hasn't hidden the truth; i am completely alone and isolated, and i will die that way too. I will die as a cynical, lonlely, misanthropic, pathetic loser and I don't know how to feel in this week leading to my death.

    Thankyou for reading.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Welcome and I hope you can open the window to let some air in, and then the door to step out...maybe set up a text/PM support with someone here, so that s/he can accompany you as you venture outward...I did that with someone who was in his house for 5 years, and we walked was a gift for both of us!
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    My son could have written this, apart from the physical problems, you could be twins :eek:hmy:
    After ten years of shutting himself in and, like yourself, living through film and computer games, he finally accepted help; he is now making slow but good progress back into the outside world.
    So, don't give up.
    Get yourself seen by a doctor, our GP came out to see my son and got him all the help he could find.

    As to the physical problems, again, see your doc, there are many treatments for your skin complaints.
    A speech therapist would help with the stutter.
    Actual features, well we're all more or less stuck with those unless we can afford plastic surgery, but I'm betting they are no where as bad as you imagine.
    We can't all be oil paintings, but lots of people manage to meet and find a mate without being picture perfect.
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