After ten years fighting, I don't know if I have any fight left in me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rizzo, May 3, 2014.

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  1. Rizzo

    Rizzo New Member

    It honestly feels like suicide is the best option now. It feels like it's one of only a couple of options, really.

    About ten years ago, my ex and I split up. We have kids together and she started asking for child support. The problem is that the courts were taking more of my money than I could afford. Eventually, between garnishments and court ordered health insurance for the kids, I had less about $350 a month to myself. That's $350 before things like rent, utilities or groceries. I went to the department of human services and asked for help, either with rent or with food, but I was told I make too much for assistance. Thing is, I only made too much before those mandatory deductions. After those, I was really broke.

    As expected, I didn't make enough to live on and wound up homeless. I guess the good news for me is that when I lost my job and my apartment, I suddenly qualified for assistance. I was able to get food stamps for a short while and I got into a housing program. Still, there was a problem: I lost my job, had no income and, consequentially, wasn't able to pay my child support and the total owed kept piling up. I tried getting a job, but a horrible cycle started: I get a job, the housing program requires me to pay a percentage of my income for rent. Then Child support takes their percentage. After that, I am once again left without money to pay for things like food or other necessities of life. As a result, I've been chronically unemployed for most of that time and I've been in and out of all kinds of housing programs.

    Eventually, I moved to another state (Texas, to be exact). I got into a more preminant housing program here, and I got some school under my belt and I've even managed to get a half-way decent job. But that same problem has come back:Child support. As of now, not only are they garnishing my checks, but they've put a lein on my bank account and since my paychecks are direct deposit, that essentially means I can't get any money anymore. Again, I don't know how I'm going to afford transportation to or from work or food or anything like that. I'm worried that I'm going to lose my job AGAIN, because of them. And, honestly, after spending ten years dealing with chronic homelessness, ten years fighting a court system that doesn't show the least bit of sympathy or concern for the fact that I'm struggling, after spending ten years dug into a hole that I don't see a way of digging out of.... I don't know why I should keep going.

    Right now, there are only two reasons I haven't up and killed myself yet: 1) I contacted the courts and I may be able to get a lein off my bank account. No guarantee that they're going to really work with me that much, though, but a slim chance is better than none. and 2) my partner who I fear, as much as I love him, I worry that he would completely fall apart if I left (especially through suicide). Still, as much as I love my bf, I don't know if I'll really be able to hold back when/if the courts refuse to work with me. I can't go back to the street and I can't do debtors prison. If I had to choose between those two options or suicide, I'd rather die.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I do hope the court works with you then ok get some legal advice get someone working with you to help you hugs
  3. Rizzo

    Rizzo New Member

    I'm going to see what I can do.

    I have work today and it's going to be difficult to get myself to go, really. It's hard to see the point to going to work when you aren't going to get any money for it. I think the only reason I'm going to be able to force myself to go in now is in the hope that I can get them to work with me, eventually. I just get the feeling that won't even work, mostly because it never has worked before. I'll see about legal advice, but lawyers aren't as excited to help you when you owe child support, so I'll actually have to pay to get legal advice, but since I can't access my money, what do I pay the lawyer with?
  4. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    It's so horrible how mean that situation is actually. Why is that even legal?? Isn't it possible that you, I don't know, petition that or something? They can't just erase your existence..! I'm feeling so bad for you :/ I hope it's going to get better! *hugs you*
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I am sorry to hear that you are in a state but you get through it. Just a matter of dealing with one day at a time. Just keep posting here and don't think you are alone.
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