I had planned everything I was not expecting to fail. But, I did. Waking up and realizing that I'm still here was one of the worse experiences. Everyday I regret it. I would have rather been dead. What came after was far worse than the depression. My doctor labels me a severely depressed and actively suicidal. It's not important what I'm labeled. I just want the suffering to go away. I scheduled for ECT in two weeks. I do not want to do this but everything else has failed. I plan to do this alone. I don't want anyone I know to see me if I were to lose memory. I've given all the ropes, wires, knives and even the two cases of Nitrous I had set up for next week. I'm asking for help, but I had enough. My dead will be quick and certain. I've always said I would rather die than to be subjected to ECT or hospitalization Do many people attempt a second time after trying once before.