I'm going to wake up tomorrow around three thirty in the afternoon. I don't work, I don't go to school. I'm going to check my computer for ten minutes, go back to sleep for a couple more hours and wake up around five thirty when my dad comes to check on me. I won't want to get up, but I have 'join the outside world' as he puts it. This consists of making it, fully dressed of course, to my living room. I'll heat up some kind of frozen lunch or quite possibly just wait for dinner where I'll eat whatever weeks worth of food I've made for myself. I'll watch re-runs of Law and Order until Jeopardy comes on. After jeopardy, I'll watch whatever is on prime-time until ten. From there, I'll get on the computer again probably around seven or eight in the morning. Possibly later, watching youtube videos. This has been my routine for years. YEARS. FUCKING YEARS. Don't tell me to shake up my routine, I wouldn't be comfortable or happy setting foot outside, I wouldn't be happy searching for a future, I don't want to, I have no desire to. I am drowning myself in apathy and coincidentally I won't do a thing to stop it. I was watching a video on scientific research into 'blue zones', places where the life expectancy of the population is at its highest. People there have tightly knit social communities, reasons for living, friends, they have exercise woven into their everyday lives. They're all happy. I can tell you that even if I didn't want to kill myself, I'd be lucky to make to sixty. I have a singular purpose for getting up in the morning, one reason I try my hardest not to let the soul-crushing repetition of this day in which I go through the motions of a million inane activities that I couldn't give a flying fuck about and pretend like it's just another day. Well it's not just another day, it's never just another day, IT'S ANOTHER FUCKING DAY THAT I HAVE TO LIVE THIS SHAM OF AN EXISTENCE, THIS WORTHLESS SUIT OF PUTRID SKIN I HAVE TO WALLOW IN EVERY DAY AS I SINK DEEPER AND DEEPER ONTO THIS STUPID FUCKING PIKE I SIT ON DAY IN AND DAY OUT AND PRESS INTO MYSELF PRETENDING LIKE IT DOESN'T HURT TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING! And now I feel like I'm losing everything. I can almost hear the whispering voice again, that snide little 'I told you so' we all hear when things go wrong, when we extrovert ourselves for the first time in years and end up running with our faces in our heads, gnashing our teeth and unable to fight back a flood of cheap, meaningless tears. Back into our pitiful little shit-hole of a shelter we cover ourselves with to save us the pain of having to endure the company of others. I can feel him over my shoulder, telling me what a fucking stupid idiot I've always been, am now and ever will be, world without end. The same voice I hear whenever I stumble in public and people stare at me. The same voice I hear when I try and fail, knowing I sabotaged myself in the first place. Well, how much longer am I supposed to put up with it? How long do I have to keep living and why should I do it? Purely rhetorical questions, you understand, but ones I couldn't answer if you asked me. Not right now anyway. My family is falling apart. My dad is only home when he's sick. He spends his healthy time with his friends and his girlfriend. My brother is a selfish drunken asshole I could care less about who's going to get himself killed himself because he can't think before he acts. My mother is four hours away in another city, living her new life and I can barely muster the motivation to call her every other month. I don't get phone calls, I don't get emails and I doubt I'd want them even if I did. I just get up in the evening and wonder why I bother joining the rest of world in my living room. Why I don't just stay in my room with my computer doing what barely makes me happy anymore and sleeping until eventually my body decides that reaching a hundred years old is clearly a pointless goal as my mind already has. But honestly, I'd rather spare it the effort and time and give up for it.