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Again and again and again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Iron Halo, Apr 23, 2010.

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  1. Iron Halo

    Iron Halo Active Member

    I'm going to wake up tomorrow around three thirty in the afternoon. I don't work, I don't go to school. I'm going to check my computer for ten minutes, go back to sleep for a couple more hours and wake up around five thirty when my dad comes to check on me. I won't want to get up, but I have 'join the outside world' as he puts it.

    This consists of making it, fully dressed of course, to my living room. I'll heat up some kind of frozen lunch or quite possibly just wait for dinner where I'll eat whatever weeks worth of food I've made for myself. I'll watch re-runs of Law and Order until Jeopardy comes on. After jeopardy, I'll watch whatever is on prime-time until ten.

    From there, I'll get on the computer again probably around seven or eight in the morning. Possibly later, watching youtube videos. This has been my routine for years. YEARS. FUCKING YEARS. Don't tell me to shake up my routine, I wouldn't be comfortable or happy setting foot outside, I wouldn't be happy searching for a future, I don't want to, I have no desire to.

    I am drowning myself in apathy and coincidentally I won't do a thing to stop it. I was watching a video on scientific research into 'blue zones', places where the life expectancy of the population is at its highest. People there have tightly knit social communities, reasons for living, friends, they have exercise woven into their everyday lives. They're all happy.

    I can tell you that even if I didn't want to kill myself, I'd be lucky to make to sixty. I have a singular purpose for getting up in the morning, one reason I try my hardest not to let the soul-crushing repetition of this day in which I go through the motions of a million inane activities that I couldn't give a flying fuck about and pretend like it's just another day.


    And now I feel like I'm losing everything. I can almost hear the whispering voice again, that snide little 'I told you so' we all hear when things go wrong, when we extrovert ourselves for the first time in years and end up running with our faces in our heads, gnashing our teeth and unable to fight back a flood of cheap, meaningless tears.

    Back into our pitiful little shit-hole of a shelter we cover ourselves with to save us the pain of having to endure the company of others. I can feel him over my shoulder, telling me what a fucking stupid idiot I've always been, am now and ever will be, world without end. The same voice I hear whenever I stumble in public and people stare at me.

    The same voice I hear when I try and fail, knowing I sabotaged myself in the first place. Well, how much longer am I supposed to put up with it? How long do I have to keep living and why should I do it? Purely rhetorical questions, you understand, but ones I couldn't answer if you asked me. Not right now anyway. My family is falling apart. My dad is only home when he's sick.

    He spends his healthy time with his friends and his girlfriend. My brother is a selfish drunken asshole I could care less about who's going to get himself killed himself because he can't think before he acts. My mother is four hours away in another city, living her new life and I can barely muster the motivation to call her every other month.

    I don't get phone calls, I don't get emails and I doubt I'd want them even if I did. I just get up in the evening and wonder why I bother joining the rest of world in my living room. Why I don't just stay in my room with my computer doing what barely makes me happy anymore and sleeping until eventually my body decides that reaching a hundred years old is clearly a pointless goal as my mind already has.

    But honestly, I'd rather spare it the effort and time and give up for it.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Wow you are in a terrible emotional place somehow you have to change this enviroment of yours. Your depression is not being looked after well at all. You need to talk to your doctor and get on new meds get into a therapist that can help you get out of this pain your in. Time to just do it call for help okay please don't stay in that dark hole forever You can pull yourself out of it you can. Even if you don't feel like it find something that use to bring you happiness and joy camping art music anything and start doing it again even if it is hard do it okay Start being good to yourself take it one step at a time
    first call doctor get help for you please don't stay there please you need to know you matter okay you do so please help you to get better please
  3. lonercarrot

    lonercarrot Well-Known Member

    do yourself a favour, go to zomganime(dot)com (or youtube if you have to, search welcome to the nhk episode 1) and watch the show "Welcome to the NHK" I'm serious. also make sure it's in subtitles.

    I went through a period like this before, where I was living alone and did not leave my apartment or speak to anyone, not even family.. for something like 4-5 months. But eventually I ran out of money, which was when I first became suicidal. Either I could kill myself or force myself to go outside and work... The best thing for you to do would be to get a part time job, unless you just want to give up on life. Your dad isn’t exactly helping you by supporting your lifestyle =/

    Edit- oh damn, I didn't notice your avatar... maybe you already seen it, lol
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 23, 2010
  4. Iron Halo

    Iron Halo Active Member

    I've never seen a doctor about my problems, I hide them from my parents, I hid them from all the friends I ever made outside the internet (before they went away). I don't take meds and even if I were on them, I can't swallow pills (one less way I could do it I guess). I can't decide if anything ever brought me joy, my entire life has always revolved around others, I can't even muster the strength to try unless I'm making someone else proud of me, it's just the way I was conditioned. The only thing that ever made me happy was making my parents happy, but after years and years of failure I became too scared to try that anymore.

    I just can't do anything for the sole benefit of myself, I can't feel like I deserve it, like it has a point. I used to play music a lot, but had to give up when my anxiety got so bad I couldn't play in front of others anymore. My anxiety is pretty crippling, I had to drop out of college because I got so freaked out just walking around people in the hallways and sitting around them in class that I couldn't do any work. Even when I did go to college I never knew what I wanted to be, work seems like torture for me and I couldn't even tell you what I wanted to be besides 'rich'. I've never had a job before and though Lord knows I've tried, I've only ever interviewed for one and I didn't get it.

    I think I was almost relieved I didn't get it, but either way, I have no ambition or passion for anything anyway. I never understood those people who went into accounting or chemical sciences. Art at least I understood a little, but even the idea of making a career out of it sounds like something I'd never want to do.

    Basically, I can't find a reason to live without someone to live for. It used to be my parents, but I don't know what to do anymore...
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    time to stop trying to make others proud of you and try making you proud of you. time to get therapy so you can get help for your anxiety. time to stop all the excuses and start the right path to get well. There is liquid forms of medication if you can't take pills needle forms but you need to chose to get wellor stay sick call your doctor get on meds get therapy and start healing it will help take care
  6. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Hey Iron Halo, I'm in a pretty similar place to you myself. I have no job or school to go to and dropped out of college (univerity over here) because of my anxiety, too. I don't take meds, can't swallow pills and pretty much live in my room, hiding my problems from my "friends" and family, so I can truly relate (to an extent) to what you're going through. I'm glad you've gotten out how you feel here, even if it didn't help you all that much, at least it's out there. I don't really know what to advise you to do, or if that's even what you're looking for.. it's all well and good saying see a doctor, but with anxiety as bad as what you demonstrate to have, it's a lot easier said than done, I know. To be honest, I don't know what to tell you that might help, other than if you ever want to talk then please do PM me and we'll talk. I really do understand what you're going through and can sympathise with having a family that doesn't give you the time of day or support or understand you.

    On a side note, if you haven't checked out the anime that lonercarrot suggested, I'd recommend it too. It's pretty funny in a random kind of way and you might relate to it in some small way. =]
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