Again and again.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by clairedelune, Jan 24, 2011.

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  1. clairedelune

    clairedelune Well-Known Member

    Found myself all alone in school again. I was a loner. I am a loner. And I will forever be a loner. I was just in a hurry to get home. Good thing no one was around at home, it was my chance to hurt myself again. So, I grabbed these small scissors in my room and I was trying to stab my arm really hard and as painful as it can get while I was flooding my face with tears. I realized I was just hiding all those tears all along and they can't wait to come out of my eyes. Hurting myself satisfies me because it feels like my own punishment for disappointing a lot of people. I can never prove to anyone or even just to myself that I am worthy of this existence. Everyone really finds me not their kind and seems like I'm wrong. It was wrong to have me here in this world. The pain that those stabs caused me can never amount to the pain I have deep inside. :awww:
  2. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I know what it's like. School re-started for me today. Thankfully it was only like a half day because it was the first day. Tomorrow will bring more crap with it.

    What's it like for you? For me, everyone just seems to avoid me. But I guess they have their reasons. I usually only speak when spoken to. And even then, not much comes out. Then every now and then someone might say something under their breath, and I'll be only just able to hear it. It makes me want to walk out infront of a truck.

  3. clairedelune

    clairedelune Well-Known Member

    Same here. I'm a quiet person too. And I don't know why even the meekest people like us have to be tortured by all their bad attitudes. It's not like we're hurting them anyway. I just actually don't know what to do. I'm even afraid to go back to school anymore. Every time, I make my way there, I get really really anxious.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you can talk someone a councilor a teacher let them knowhow you are feeling claire School was very hard for me as well i was and am still a loner. Talk to a teacher okay get to trust at least one person at your school so you know when you are having a hard time you can go to t hem for support hugs.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I think we harm ourselves to control the pain...please know you do not deserve this pain and that you did nothing are shy..this is your temperment and some ppl are just cruel...that is not your fault..maybe here you can find some good company which might be a rehearsal for RL...please keep posting...ppl here really do care...J
  6. Cerulean

    Cerulean Member

    Even if things aren't going too well at the moment that definitely does not mean that things are going to be this way permanently.

    School can be tough especially as it often seems there isn't a whole lot of understanding amongst the people there. There are always more people that you can meet though (as good as unlimited) and the more people you meet, the more practice you'll get at it and the better you will be at it.

    Hurting yourself won't help though, maybe it does short term but long term it will make things harder. I also don't think you could prove to anyone that you're not worthy of existence. Do you think you could try using alternatives?, talk to someone when you feel like you want to hurt yourself, write, draw, go for a run etc

    Be persistent, things can get better...
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