i dont even know why im feeling like this.. Just today, with all the flashbacks yet again and these suicidal feelings and was reading through some posts and now i just blah.. I want to be innocent.. I was reading about a topic on another forum about loseing your virginity and im over it. I admit it that im extremely jealous of those girls in my grade at school who talk about when they got to lose their virginity and make it such a big deal. worse yet when they ask me who was my first. And i cant handle it.. what do i say.. oh no im a wh**e and i lost them before i even had double digits to my age and to who.. someone triple my age im sick of it.. how come i dont get to have a first time :blub: How come i want to attempt so badly, and a quarter of the time not even because i want to die.. sometimes i just crave the feeling of wanting to attempt again, because im such a genous i got addicted to the feeling of being about to die.. and to me theres no other feeling like that.. sorta like y own personal drug.. Also, how come, i cant eat anything without feeling like throwing up, feeling absoloutly disgousting and wanting to binge all at the same time... that i cant look at anything without seeing a method to either a kill myself or b hurt myself.. I cant handle this, i cant.. I need to attempt now..