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again.. venting, and wanting to die TRIGGER

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lav11, May 19, 2012.

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  1. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    i dont even know why im feeling like this..

    Just today, with all the flashbacks yet again and these suicidal feelings and was reading through some posts and now i just blah..

    I want to be innocent.. I was reading about a topic on another forum about loseing your virginity and im over it. I admit it that im extremely jealous of those girls in my grade at school who talk about when they got to lose their virginity and make it such a big deal. worse yet when they ask me who was my first. And i cant handle it.. what do i say.. oh no im a wh**e and i lost them before i even had double digits to my age and to who.. someone triple my age
    im sick of it.. how come i dont get to have a first time :blub:

    How come i want to attempt so badly, and a quarter of the time not even because i want to die.. sometimes i just crave the feeling of wanting to attempt again, because im such a genous i got addicted to the feeling of being about to die.. and to me theres no other feeling like that.. sorta like y own personal drug..

    Also, how come, i cant eat anything without feeling like throwing up, feeling absoloutly disgousting and wanting to binge all at the same time...

    that i cant look at anything without seeing a method to either a kill myself or b hurt myself..

    I cant handle this, i cant.. I need to attempt now..
  2. Incurious

    Incurious Well-Known Member

    Hiya Lav, have you got an appointment with your counsellor soon? I'm sorry for you feeling this way.

    You are innocent. It was never by choice what happened. It'll still be the first time that you choose to do something. That got to count for something.
  3. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    i went to go attempt.. well at least go get my methods so i could attempt now..

    I walked around for the last 3 hours.... 3 hours but everything is shut :blub: why must nothing work out.. all i want to do is die, i thought about calling a helpline but no, i wouldnt because i was attempting 150% and wouldnt have the cops looking for me but no, how could i be so foolish that one thing would work out for me..

    Uggh, tomorrow, 150% attempting tomorrow if the shop is open..

    no appointment.. we dont really ever make "appointments" she just txts me when she is free really... but not much point.. nothing will change, ill still feel like this..
    always this pathetic

  4. Incurious

    Incurious Well-Known Member

    You're not pathetic at all Lav. You're a wonderful person who has been through hell.

    I know that you're suffering and can't think anything but what you've gone through, and reliving the events most of the time too... I hope that you give your counsellor a text. She really cares about you, and wants to help you. If not then I hope that you phone a helpline if you still feel this way...

    I honestly think that you can get through this. You're the strongest person I've ever known and you can do it. You deserve to find happiness and it would be a real shame if you went out now. You've done so well over the last two months.

    I hope I can reply to you for a while yet.
  5. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    it is the weekend so cant text her...and the helplines always call the cops if i cant gaurantee 150% that i will not attempt and i for one am not haveing the cops rocking up.. also, if anyone finds out ive attempted the odds of this court case going ahead drop massively and if im still alive risk getting kicked out of the house...

    Its really not worth anyone finding out , i told my counsellor last week how i was feeling and we had a crisis appointment, in that appointment i freaked outended up haveing an anxiety attack and being made to eat.. not the ideal session.. dont think i can handle another one like that..

    thankyou anyhow, i just think that i really want to attempt but risking telling anyone in person will just get me locked up.. i dont want to be locked up again..
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