Its snowed around 6" in the last two hours here and it will snow much more over the next day or two...its beautiful outside even tho its dark.
I have all the candles lit in my house and the light is casting a cozy glow...
I have been sick the last couple days but I have not really missed much going on...I had a pleasant holiday...school is going well...I have work for the time being...car is running ok for now...bills are under control for the next month...things are ok as far as life goes...so why cant I be happy about it?
I know I have my ups and downs...I have medicated them both lol...I have even grown tired of that!
But the difference is now - I dont really seem to have either.
I work for myself now and get to make my own hours for the most part...its good for me as it allows me to feel more in control of my life. The work is hard but it helps me pay for school on my own so I dont really mind.
School is going great because my own stubborn will doesn't know how to fail at it. I am top in my class because that is just how it has always been with me. I did a completley manic thing a few months ago and just up and decided to go to college tho i could have done it years ago and made it work...I just didnt until now. I decided to go and I decided to do something I knew nothing about really...Its a field that people who are in it have to be obsessed with it...for people to go jump in like I did is really kind of just weird to them. It seems weird to me too but I dont really care. I am doing it because I felt like it was what I was supposed to do at the time.
Its always been that way with me. I dont think I have ever really been passionate about anything. I may appear to some that way (like with my poetry) but Im not really. Everything I do is just a by-product of my own existence to me. If I succeed its an accident...and I never fail.
When I go to school I am surrounded by people who are SO passionate about what they do they eat, breathe, and drink what they do...then there is me. But I do better than most of them so they would never know that my heart was not in it like theirs...and if they did it would probably anger them. Some will say to me "Well, maybe its because you aren't doing what you are meant to do?" Ah but it is what I felt led to do... All the things in my life have been like that. Everything I have ever done has been extreme in some form and everytime it was what I felt I was supposed to do at the moment.
Why can't I ever love it? Whay do I live so aloof and above everything? Even when I meet people. Even in relationships...at first its passionate and crazy and wonderful and I think for once to myself I have done it...I have found that spark I needed to be alive again...then I catch myself thinking I am in love and I flow with that for a while until one day I will just wake up and my eyes will open as someone else again...
then...
I push until they leave and if they wont I make them go. God I have hurt some people so badly! I carry it all with me. They know who they are too and I will say now that I will and can never forget them. I know what I have done and now its my burden so you can stop reminding me by trying to care ok?
I have had partners tell me I was their reason for hanging on. I have had them tell me I was their life, that they loved me, that they would have died for me, not just one but MANY have told me that. I had one tell me that I had to realize the power I held over poeple. That I had a way of working into their soul without them knowing it and that I needed to be careful of who I hurt...because of how little I realized it.
The sad thing is - I never really felt any of it. How can someone be so passionate and so cold all at once? The last few years of my life all I have done is push people forwards, backwards, anywhere as long as it was away. But in the last few years I have never had so many people flip out on me, over me... I feel so alone STILL and who am I to say that? All I have done is ruin my own fortune. I am terrified of being alone...I know that is where I am headed...but for now it is all I want. Its funny how we punish ourselves...and what for? Can we ever truely define it when we are lost in it?
Fuck it all.
The funniest thing is - now I am surrounded with literally hundreds of ways to end my life everyday, I have SO much power in my own hands and the knowledge to back it - but I have never wanted to hang on so hard and for what? I can't tell you. I dont know. But the need is there and here I sit, with all the power of nothing.
~C
I have all the candles lit in my house and the light is casting a cozy glow...
I have been sick the last couple days but I have not really missed much going on...I had a pleasant holiday...school is going well...I have work for the time being...car is running ok for now...bills are under control for the next month...things are ok as far as life goes...so why cant I be happy about it?
I know I have my ups and downs...I have medicated them both lol...I have even grown tired of that!
But the difference is now - I dont really seem to have either.
I work for myself now and get to make my own hours for the most part...its good for me as it allows me to feel more in control of my life. The work is hard but it helps me pay for school on my own so I dont really mind.
School is going great because my own stubborn will doesn't know how to fail at it. I am top in my class because that is just how it has always been with me. I did a completley manic thing a few months ago and just up and decided to go to college tho i could have done it years ago and made it work...I just didnt until now. I decided to go and I decided to do something I knew nothing about really...Its a field that people who are in it have to be obsessed with it...for people to go jump in like I did is really kind of just weird to them. It seems weird to me too but I dont really care. I am doing it because I felt like it was what I was supposed to do at the time.
Its always been that way with me. I dont think I have ever really been passionate about anything. I may appear to some that way (like with my poetry) but Im not really. Everything I do is just a by-product of my own existence to me. If I succeed its an accident...and I never fail.
When I go to school I am surrounded by people who are SO passionate about what they do they eat, breathe, and drink what they do...then there is me. But I do better than most of them so they would never know that my heart was not in it like theirs...and if they did it would probably anger them. Some will say to me "Well, maybe its because you aren't doing what you are meant to do?" Ah but it is what I felt led to do... All the things in my life have been like that. Everything I have ever done has been extreme in some form and everytime it was what I felt I was supposed to do at the moment.
Why can't I ever love it? Whay do I live so aloof and above everything? Even when I meet people. Even in relationships...at first its passionate and crazy and wonderful and I think for once to myself I have done it...I have found that spark I needed to be alive again...then I catch myself thinking I am in love and I flow with that for a while until one day I will just wake up and my eyes will open as someone else again...
then...
I push until they leave and if they wont I make them go. God I have hurt some people so badly! I carry it all with me. They know who they are too and I will say now that I will and can never forget them. I know what I have done and now its my burden so you can stop reminding me by trying to care ok?
I have had partners tell me I was their reason for hanging on. I have had them tell me I was their life, that they loved me, that they would have died for me, not just one but MANY have told me that. I had one tell me that I had to realize the power I held over poeple. That I had a way of working into their soul without them knowing it and that I needed to be careful of who I hurt...because of how little I realized it.
The sad thing is - I never really felt any of it. How can someone be so passionate and so cold all at once? The last few years of my life all I have done is push people forwards, backwards, anywhere as long as it was away. But in the last few years I have never had so many people flip out on me, over me... I feel so alone STILL and who am I to say that? All I have done is ruin my own fortune. I am terrified of being alone...I know that is where I am headed...but for now it is all I want. Its funny how we punish ourselves...and what for? Can we ever truely define it when we are lost in it?
Fuck it all.
The funniest thing is - now I am surrounded with literally hundreds of ways to end my life everyday, I have SO much power in my own hands and the knowledge to back it - but I have never wanted to hang on so hard and for what? I can't tell you. I dont know. But the need is there and here I sit, with all the power of nothing.
~C