I've had to deal with two suicides in the past 6 months. All along I've been comtemplating it myself. It is as if I am living a schizophrenic existance. Daily I walk with people as they go through their sickness, misery and pain. I play the role of husband and father to the best of my ability. Then I lay my head down at night. Think about Mary and consider ways to do my self in. Get up in the morning and go back to work. I am so damn lonely. I miss living in the city. Walking the streets, the smell of car fumes, the blank stares of the faces passing by. I miss the taste of alcohol. The smell of the girl I love, The taste of her kiss. Damn.