Again.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shefallsasleep, Sep 23, 2009.

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  1. shefallsasleep

    shefallsasleep Well-Known Member

    This is the 2nd time I have felt suicidal, the first time I felt like it for months before something tipped me over the edge and took an overdose, stupid idea as I am scared of being sick and as soon as I felt nauseus I got scared and rang my mum, it was a very implusive decision but I just couldn't go on anymore with how I was feeling, I'd had severe depression for about 9 months and I just wanted the pain to stop. This time the trigger is the same thing, my long term boyfriend broke up with me, I was so in love and obvlivious that anything was wrong, we still had such fun and were best friends too. We spent all our time together and now I feel like I have no one. I found out last night that he has started chatting to a girl and flirting with her, it sounds like the most stupid thing but we only broke up just over 2 weeks ago and I jsut feel like he's got over me so easily and our relationship was a lie. When we broke up he was crying and saying he hoped we'd get back together sometime and spend our life together etc and he just needed space, for the first day I text him quite a bit, then I stopped and he would text me, he even sent me normalmessages saying "thinking of you" or "love you", so I text him one day and he didnt reply, I jumped to conclusions and text him again asking him why he was ignoring me, what id done wrong, he then told me he was sure he didnt want a relationship. Ive found it so hard to cut him out of my life, I was like this the first time, its like I can't stop texting him, I keep thinking of things to say and I jsut need to get them out and tell him how he feels, I know its mkaing him angry and pushing him further away. The thought of him with anyone else makes me feel physically sick. I know there is a long road ahead of getting over him and I'm guna get hurt a lot more before it gets better, I just don't have the energy to go through months and months of this again, I'd rather just end it now. Myparents are very worried coz of the first time, but I'm just finding myself lieing to them constantly, they ask if Ive spoken to him and I say no, when I have, they ask if I feel like I need to go to the Dr which is their way of saying do you feel like you wanna kill yourself again, and I say no, when the truth is I lie awake at night hoping and praying that I don't wake up in the morning. I am constantly searching online for ways to kill myself, how to do it effectivley, for people who feel like I do. I am ashamed to feel like this, I keep ringing in sick to work, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I barley want to get out of bed, the only time I do is go to the toilet, I've stopped showering which is disgusting, all I do is just cry and cry. I have a problem differentiating between being angry and sad and sometimes I get so angry that I feel like I just want to rip my arms to shreds, I self harmed the first time I had depression but I don't want anyone to see the signs so I'm rying hard not to this time. I don't think if I went to a "mental institute" it would help. I was so scared to get into another serious relationship after the first time incase this happened again and it has, but this time it is a lot quicker. This is such a long post but I just need to get this off my chest, I'm just looking for people who can relate to me. Thank You even though you prob got bored and stopped reading ages ago haha x
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I can say that alot of people probably can relate to your post. If his heart isn't in the relationship anymore it is better for him to move on as you deserve someone whos heart is going to be totally there for you. I hope you too can move on try different relationships as this is the only way you can know truly if you have the right partner or not. Get out there now and meet new people new start for you okay. If your depression get worst call your therapist or crisis line stay strong okay hang in there
     
  3. MountainMover

    MountainMover New Member

    She,

    He isn't worth it. NO MAN is worth it.

    Given what you wrote, you may suffer from co-dependency. My sister also does. You must break these chains of slavery. God doesn't want you to be a slave. He wants you to be free, peaceful, joyful, and of sound mind. You can't achieve those things when you are dependent on someone else for love.

    God can heal you of this affliction. He healed me.

    Send me a message if you want to talk

    Love you sister. Hang in there. There IS hope.
     
  4. Paradigm

    Paradigm Member

    It is difficult, but it will get better.

    You wrote that you had suffered from severe depression for 9 months when your first attempted suicide. I may be wrong here but I assume that you have continually been depressed after your first attempt till now?

    When one is depressed, what seems the smallest thing in the world can cause panic attacks. So that your suicidal thoughts are now coming back when your boyfriend broke up is not very surprising. I want to tell you he is not worth it and its as simple as that, but I know its not, cause the problem doesnt only lie in his break-up even if that feels like the central problem right now, does it?

    It will take time for you to get over your ex boyfriend, but please believe me, other people out there care for you! You will eventually get over him, you will find someone else who loves you. You want him back, but what if you do? He has broken up with you once now, so the likelihood of him doing it again if you get together may be higher. This sounds harsh, i know. But then you would have to go through the same thing as you do now one more time, might even be worse then. Thats why it is better for you to get over him now. There are other wonderful guys out there.

    I understand it may seem like it will take too long for you to get over him, that you cannot cope with it. But compare it to a lifetime. Talk to your parents, talk to a doctor/therapist. Because you feel so depressed now it is more difficult to imagine the happy life that you can life in the future. I know it is difficult, but you shouldnt just try to get over your boyfriend, please try to treat your depression, because it is probably the depression making it so difficult for you to cope with the loss of your boyfriend.

    Please take care of yourself!

    // Paradigm
     
  5. shefallsasleep

    shefallsasleep Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your response everyone, I am so glad I found this forum, no one judges you, my parents and my friends have said "just get over it, his loss, plenty more fish in the sea" etc, but no matter how hard i try to explain to them how I feel and why I am unable as much as I want to to do that I can't! It is frustrating but there are so many people here who just know that feeling, I guess it takes having it to know what it's like!

    Paradigm, once I attempted suicide the first time I kinda started to get better by myself wierdly enough, I guess I hitt he lowest low and the only way was up, as cliche as that sounds! There was always something left there though, even when I was really happy I used to worry a lot, read into things a lot, jump to conclusions, etc so maybe I am just fucked in the head in other ways lol there has been about a 2/3 year gap between then and now and I honestly thought I had found true happiness with my ex, but I was so worried he was going off me or was guna leave me, I pushed him away and he just couldn't deal witht he fact I was unable to trust him 100%. I never stopped him doing thing but sometimes he felt he couldnt do things because he didn't want to hurt me or make me worry! I wen to the Dr the other day as I could see the distress I was causing my family, I have been put on ADs but atm Im in that stage where its making me feel worse, always feeling sick, literally never hungry (I didnt eat much before coz of the depression but now I just can't eat anything), feel panicy in busy places, so hopefully these will stop soon and maybe just give me that tiny bit of energy I need to get out of this dark hole! I apologise now for how long this is but I can't really say this to anyone else in person! The only good thing thats coming out of this is im loosing the excess happy pounds i gained from being with me ex, so maybei should just look on the bright side. He has stopped replying to my texts now also :( i feel like such a physco
     
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