Again.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Crying All Time, Oct 14, 2010.

  1. Crying All Time

    Crying All Time Well-Known Member

    Hello guys.
    I was better for a short period. I don't know what was the reason, but I thought it's gonna last. But hell no. I'm again depressed very much. When I started to have psychological problems, it was a phobia, that turned into severe depression (tried to kill myself 3 times) and now I think I have some kind of eating disorder&depression. The only good thing is that I'm not gonna try to kill myself, because of my family, they suffer a lot, and I can not imagine to put them through it again. I care about them, yes, but I don't care about myself. So, I don't know why but now I feel very sad and I don't want to do anything, just sleep and forget all of my problems.And now I'm afraid of getting anorexia. Because I think about food all the time - I have calories diary, where I count calories, I lie my mother about amount of food that I eat, and I lost few pounds. My mum doesn't suspect anything. Still, I don't look skinny, I look thin, but not skinny. But the really bad thing is that I don't have period anymore :blub: Sometimes I just want to get over with it all, my life, but I am so afraid of death and I really don't want to hurt my family, because there tried really hard to help me when I was in really bad mental condition.
    And I think all this shit happens to me because I am too ambitious, perfectionist and want to have control of everything, and sometimes I aim for the things I just can't achieve, and then I get really disappointed and suicidal. And I don't know how to change...
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Crying...I truly understand this...when I feel out of control, my ED kicks in and I know food is something I can control...had a bout of this today and could not eat because I was so sick...please talk to someone about this...I have found it very helpful to know what triggers these behaviors and what I can do to focus upon other things...big hugs, J
     
  3. BP#1

    BP#1 Well-Known Member

    l wish l could take your pain away. l work out in a gym. l kick box. l run forest trails. l sometimes don't know if lm running from or to something when up the mountains. l see people comparing one another to themselves. Everyone wants to look like the person next to them. Whether be hair, size, or skin tone. That is why looks is a multi billion dollar business...... l have a friend that quit modeling because she found herself becoming sick. She worried about getting the next photo shoot and would make herself throw up so she wouldn't be over weight............. l have to run and exercise, or l become depressed like you. l got mad; l said F-you to the world; F-you making me feel this way; l got into shape and said; Come get it..... l want you to become mad. l want you to become strong. l want you to beat me. Take no shit.....Now lm built like a brick shit house. You will be too.... :)
     
  4. Crying All Time

    Crying All Time Well-Known Member

    Thank you guys for your support.
    Unfortunately I am not allowed to do any sport at the moment, because I hurt my knee and doctor said that now I can't :( But I hope it will be better soon. I also felt better when I went to fitness.
    I really need to talk with my mum, she is my biggest support, but at the moment she has some problems at her job and I don't want to worry her even more.
    I have to get over this condition soon, because of my studies, I am so afraid of ruining it all :(
     
  5. assek

    assek Well-Known Member

    i really hope you keep fighting and keep strong. you'be been feeling better before and you can get there again, i know you can.

    what you describe does sound like anorexia, and i'll dare to say that you are probably much thinner than you are letting on. could you see your GP about this? the sooner you can get help, the better.

    i really hope you feel better soon, pm me whenever you need *hugs*