It hurts that im expected to be over it. I get asked whats wrong and then when i say i get ''what about it know!'' shouted at me. You may be use to pushing him off and on various occasions .... well thats a differnt subject but i'm not! I have very low confidence me will tell you and to have someone do that has knocked it BADLY. I can't sop thinking about it, playing it over and over again in my head. I can't even tell my mum because she'd go ape shit and stop me going out of London, not to mention what my Granddad and uncle would do if they found out! I'm sorry for thinking about it, sorry for wanting to cut over it and the worst thing that hurts is that you even asked someone else if maybe i was making it up!! You can't know me in the slightest if you even considered that for a SECOND. I would NEVER make something like that up and considering he tried to kiss you and put his hand down your top should of showed you that. He's YOUR ex not mine and all though he was drunk that doesn't excuse behaviour like that. Me and you had the same amount of alcohol as him and me or you didn't behave liek he did to anyone. So sweet darling of mine,if you have any doubts as to what happened (which you probably do and won't tell me, connsidering he can't remember and its my word against his) then let me tell youonce again... I went to the toilet, let you and him alone on the sofa in the Rev's (at which point i now know he had his hand down your top and tried to kiss you and ended up kissing your neck) I was in the toilets. While in the toilets i sent 2 texts, one to yourself and another to N (which was a reply to her) you then replied to my text and as i was in the process of replying to you i got a call from him on my phone, my battery was about to die and i thought he was sitting right next to you on the sofa (where i left you both) so i cut the call off. I then got a message saying i had anew voicemail (was from him) i listened to it and then cut the phone off once again, i started writing you out the text again (because i had lost it when i cut off his call. Then i thought it was stupid to text youwhat i was gonna say since i was leaving the toilets to come back downstairs and i wouldn't have enough time to finsih the whole text so i turned off my phone. At which point i left the toilets. As i turned the corner he was leant against wall and on his phone talking (which we both now know was another voice mail left by him) As i went to walk past him he grabbed my jumper and pulled me closer, he tried to hug me, at which point i tried to push him away. In the process of trying topush him away he pushed me against the wall and then tried to kiss me, i pushed him away again and said ''***** no, go toilet'' (because thats why i assumed he was on the stairs) He said he'd already been. He then tried to kiss my neck, when he was doing that his hand moved up my leg and then tried to move his hand in between my legs. Which is when i pushed his chest away from me because he had me pinned up against the wall. He was tall and strong and i couldn't manage to push him away. He then lowered his body his body and then grinded ''himself'' onto my legs, he had moved his arms so they were no longer pinning me to the wall so i pushed him away again and told him to go to the toilets again and he replied with the same answer previously. I then continued to walk down the stairs, his hand then touched my chest as i walked away he said ''You love sam don't you?'' and without looking back i said ''yes i do'' I then walked down the stairs, sat down next to you and said i needed to talk to you later, you then pushed me to tell you what it was about so i told you what had just happened. He then came down stairs a few mins later and layed on the pool table becuase he was drunk. Yes, i understand he was drunk but that doesn't excuse any behaviour like that. I had just as much alcohol as he did and i didn't pin anyone up against the wall and try to touch them. He may not remember it but thats what happened and i would swear that on anyones life you asked me to. He scared me, a lot. Evening seeing him when he dropped your stuff round made me a bit scared. I can't stop playing that over and over in my head, trying to blame myself for what he did because thats what i always do, well i'm sick of it. That was NOT my fault. You should of told me STRAIGHT away when he tried to kiss you the first time, even if you thought i would get in a mood. That way i wouldn't of left you alone as much as i did. don't expect me to be able to forget. To expect me to be able to forgive. Don't expect me to be jumping for joy wheni see youhave his msn screen up and your talking to him like nothing ever happened. Don't expect me to happy that my girlfriend is texting her ex who acted that way to me. don't expect me to tell you how you can make it better because you CAN'T, no matter how hard you want to. I would never want you to lose him as a friend but i will never forgive for actions like that. I've had enough violent men in my life and i don't need one whos is MEANT to be a friend. To anyone else, sorry for this rant, probably makes no sense btu i needed it out because it's driving me to the point where i want to cut right now.