Age kids do not need parents anymore?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RySp123, Nov 3, 2007.

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  1. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    It's been quite some time I am asking myself this question.

    Most of you are young adults or thirthies +... once kids are settled, having family of their own with kids, working and all.... Would you feel as strongly in loosing a parent or get over it better as aging and being settled with family is seen as normal process of life and death?

    Dont know if i express this well am too confused to think straight right now but i know if i had gone in early age they would have felt the loss more strongly but now that they are adults??? I've read many posts in many forums and it seems that even if it is hard to deal with, kids passed a certain age do deal better and overcome better loosing a parent no matter how s-he died and get on with life in a rather short time. Is it due to my being not so in touch with reality - illnesses - meds and so on... or a reality as sad as it might be?

    I've fought to raise my family and now that this is done, all settled and happy with family of their own, I feel that my leaving would be much easier and would less affect in a long term my family.

    Could you please engight me on this issue? That would help me lots. Thos of you that are fully adults and grown up, would you accept and get over and deal with it better? How do you see loosing a parent now that you are fully adult with family?
  2. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    It would be one of the most devastating things happen to me to loose one of my parents now.
    Please stay strong
    Beret xx
  3. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    Whilst I believe pain caused by a loss does not have an age barrier -having lost my mum as a teenager, I'm still looking for a cosmetic surgeon who is able of removing my mental scars - I do think, that there are distinct ages in a person life, in which loss has a more dramatic effect.

    From early childhood, and childhood, where a children's universe is transformed from a world of home to that of schools and peers. Following on to Adolescence, where your personal identity, your sense of self is formed. Early adulthood is dominated by learning how to form intimate relationships, friendship, love...and so it goes on to middle age and further. The theory goes, that the development from on to another relies on a successful resolution of the previous stage.

    In feel that any break -be that due to the loss of a parent, and/or traumatic incident - will have a devastating effect in this chain of development. But I do acknowledge that as an adult one has more resources, to cope with such an occurrence.

  4. Mew

    Mew Active Member

    Well...your sample's a bunch of peeps who are suicidal to begin with and/or have been abused by their parents in some cases, so not sure how relevant the answers would be, but since you asked... :)

    In my case, I'm honestly not sure what I'd feel, if anything. I've reinforced my defenses to the point where hearing my father was in a car accident or that he came within inches of death hasn't altered my emotional state at all. If anything, the death of my parents would come as a relief because it would mean I could end it all with two less people to burden with my death.

    However, assuming I were mentally healthy and all that, I'd probably handle it better as an adult than I would if I were a kid. Course that depends on my relationship with my parents, my personality, my current situation in life, and the cause of death, etc etc. A peek at the Loved and Lost section should give you an idea. The sense I get is that in most cases regardless of age, losing someone you care about sucks, and death by suicide tends to make it a lot worse. As for whether it's easier on the kids once they've grown up, I kinda think it's a moot point in this case since it's not like you can choose now between suicide when they were young and suicide now that they're adults.
  5. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    I think death coping is more of an individualist thing. People react to deaths differently and have different coping mechanisms. I've known people to not shed a single tear and bottle it up. People who burst into tears for days and then seem to be very calm. People who just can't get over it at all and refuse to function again leading to depression. People who carry on as normal because of maybe their beliefs or apathy.
    Loosing a parent you love (and I bet they do love you a lot) could never be an easy thing whether you are in playschool or settled with a family.
    The answer to your question i'de say it would be that it is probably harder for a child who still depends on their parents for something as well. Such as a teenager for having someone to live with and teach them or maybe a fully grown adult who leans on their parents for emotional support often.
  6. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Hun, mid day and already doubled today's dose and still have the second half to face so being strong is something asked and expected of me for the last xxxxxx years but ...... breaking point is very near.

    May I ask you your age range and why it would be so devastating (that is if you are adult and with family of your own).

    returning your hug
  7. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    TTDF, you and I seem to have lots in common somehow... Strange very strange.

    That is what was my thought .... once fully grown, aduts have more resources to come with death no matter how it happends.

    Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your honesty. I needed a rational answer and you provided. Now will see into emotional replies. brrrr
  8. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Hun, since you have no clue whatsoever about my past, you can only assume and presume, but lets get pass this as unimportant as this post is not about this.

    My question is not about if easier on adutls than kids-teens etc.... but
    as adressed to fully grown if they see the lost of a parent in an easier manner since they have accumultated different dealing skills etc and having the stability (emotive etc) of family of their own.
  9. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Are you a full grown adult with or without family of your own? Tell me rather for you loosing your parent would be harder or easier now being adult than it would have been perhaps 5 or 10 years ago. Of course any loss is painful no matter the age yet loosing a parent of mine at my age would be much more easier than 30 or 40 years ago.

    I am talking about managing skills to facing and overcoming death and move on with life. If less of a trauma for you now that you are adult and having a life of your own.

    thank you for your answer (s)
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I lost my father in adulthood. It was very devastating for me and the catalyst of many issues I now find myself facing. I have a family of my own. While adults may have more coping skills, the pain is still as strong. I am not a stranger to death. My family was large and fairly close knit (on my fathers side). I lost a brother, grandmother, grandfather, 2 uncles, and 3 friends in the same year as a teen. I can honestly say my fathers death was as difficult to accept in my 40's as the others were in my teens. I think it is different for everyone.
  11. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    I agree with you gentlelady and do not mean to say that the death of a parent is by no mean less important or else when it comes to pain-loss etc are concerned at either age.

    What does bother me and wish to understand is this: does the maturity reached as well as coping skills gained from experience etc... makes it easier to get over and move on as the parent who passes away is older and those left behind are fully adults and having families of their own.

    it is the 'get over and be able to move on' that brings a lot of thoughts.... i understand that a loss is a loss gentlelady and no matter the age of a person, the pain will be felt no matter what where or how but the coping skills to get over it and move, continue one's life isn't easier and greater or i got it all wrong?
  12. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I understand what you are saying.Since I did not lose a parent at a young age I am not sure I can give you the answer you seek. I can tell you what I have observed though. In our small town we had 7 children lose their mothers about the same time. I was looking at one of my classes the other day and realized that out of a class of 26 kids, more than half had lost a parent mostly by freak accidents. During this same time period 4 colleagues lost their fathers. The students seemed better able to move forward than the adults. I don't know if it is because their support system was so much broader or what, but they did seem to cope better. We do come to expect death as we get older. We understand that immortality does not exist. We see the effects aging has on people as they mature and sometimes even anticipate that death is near. As adults we have so many more responsibilities that I wonder if sometimes we don't appear to be able to adapt more quickly to the loss, but in reality we haven't. You have posed a tough question. I am amazed at 2 students I currently have whose father died of a heart attack 2 weeks ago. They are 10 and 11 years of age. If I was an outsider, I would never know their father had died. The kids show nothing and their father was their sole guardian. I guess one never knows. It depends on the individual as to coping skills. I hope I have made some sense to you and have not missed your question totally. Still no answer though. I am sorry.
  13. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Thank you gentlelady. On the outside one might appear to be just fine but not reflecting what is felt on the inside. After seeing my best friend killed in front of my own eyes at age 6, I was playing with bro and sis couple hours later and none would have think that few weeks later i would have needed to be recovered. the shock needed to be assimilated before anything came out of it.

    My question is to you since you lost a parent at an advanced age (unless I am out of my mind and not understanding anything anymore). Problem is will the kids have the coping skills I do hope they have developed and accumulated in life to move on and look forward in life and not get stuck?

    Will the fact of having a family of their own, having loving support at home help them somehow to overcome the fact of loosing a parent even though the pain will not be lessen completely.

    I'd pay a high price to know the answer to this one qustion.
  14. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for and yes they do have the coping skills necessary to go on. A death by suicide gravely changes things though. Children are much more likely to suicide themselves if a parent has. No one is prepared for that kind of loss. The effects may not be seen for many many years. Some children never recover. Some parents never recover from the loss of a child either. Remember that what I say are only my opinions and thoughts. I am not an expert in any way and can only speak from experiences i have had. I hope I have shed a little light on things for you and that maybe you are able to think through things a little more. I will continue to try to answer your questions if I can.
  15. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    I understand this is your point of view and thank you for taking time to answer my questions.

    When you refer to children being more likely to suicide..... if a prarent has...
    do you intend children as young age and teens or in a general sense (no matter the age, including young adults).

    True, parents never recover the loss of a child. It is not a scar on one's heart or mind, its literaly ripping off part of both.
  16. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Young children, teens, young adults have all shown increased risk of suicide when a parent has chosen to leave life in this way. I have also known of grandchildren and nieces and nephews to be affected in this way. Have you ever looked at any survivors of suicide websites. Read the feelings of those left behind? The effects it had on them. If not I would encourage you to do so. Maybe some of your questions could be answered there.
  17. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    I have given more than a look in that section. I am a survivor myself yet do not seem to be able to make a link between my life and their stories.

    Perhaps my story prevents me from doing so as I can stand on both side of the issue.

    I am not saying that I am for suicide or else but can understand what brought them to it often with sorrow as some could have been helped whereas others were left with no or little choices and a few pushed to it.

    I dont know if there is an answer to my question but hope to find something that can satisfy enough to bring me some peace on this issue.
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