Aggitated :(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cutiepie132, Sep 7, 2011.

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  1. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I had my appt this morning with my therapist, actually just getting home. She seems really nice, I don't think I'd have any problem with her, but if I never went back there again, I don't think I'd care.

    It just got on my nerves. She was talking about this man that took prednisone for a year and he really loved it, but it was starting to affect his heart, so now they won't let him have it anymore.. He tells his doctor he's 83, why's it matter. But they still wouldn't. Talk about a good kick to make you feel hopeless. But that's such bull. I know these medications have dangerous side effects, but you don't have to take them 365 days a year.

    She talked about how with that medication, or any really, that after you take it so long, you just get used to it, and end up needing more and more, and just talked like the whole process was pointless.

    She talked about how I took measures to feeling better, I have at times, not alot, overdosed to stop my pain, or ordered medications online, when my doctors didn't manage to help. And why would they want to give me medications when I was doing that.

    Well FK me... That really Ummmmmm... So how am I wrong? They've had 14 years to make me feel better and it never happened. I self-medicate with meds I get online, and I feel better than in the 11 yrs I've been seeing all those doctors. So why am I wrong? Because I don't want to accept that they say no to the very medications I need, because I refuse to lay around dog sick everyday if there is something I could do about it??

    If I let them do that to me, mind as well give up now. For I'd have no hope. I don't know if I fkn want to go back.

    I also get the bull about how my chronic fatigue could be due to depression, even though I tried explaining that it wasn't. Didn't matter really, we are going to determine it and see. WTF ever. How many times do I need to say I wasn't depressed when I first got sick?? I was going to church and everything.

    I don't think I can deal with all this therapy bullshit, that's not what I need, what I need is to fkn feel better physically, and all this emotional bullshit would stop.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey dam eh sorry she agitated you like that but give it time okay it was only first meeting see what happens as you and her get a connection okay You set the tone of the therapy what you want to discuss andnot discuss Don't give up yet hugs
  3. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I am just on a luck and chance anyways, if I find that one medication, that makes me feel normal again. What I have wrong with me can't be fixed, and if I decide if this is it, not her, or anyone, is going to stop me from making that happen. That's my damn choice. It's my life.

    I just don't want to try again, I don't need a therapist of all people acting judgemental toward me or sure as hell don't need her giving me medical advice.

    Am I being a bitch?? Don't care..

    Sick of the shit.

    She gave me this lecture on how I cannot feel okay if I don't exercise. Well I used to walk 3 times a fkn day and it didn't do a damn thing to help, it just made my pain worse. That's why I have hip pain now.

    It is just bringing up the anger.. I know if my doctors had gotten my diagnosis right the start with, I might not have gotten to this point. But you have to be told you have something, then don't, then do, then don't, then do. It's all a pile of serious BULLSHIT!
  4. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    Ya, frustrating.
    I agree to give it a chance though.
    She doesn't know you right so you have to tell her.
    Say everything you've said here (or maybe you did)

    I believe therapy can help in ways but in other ways it can bring you down...too much can be brought to the surface.
    In your case, you know yourself best. You know how you used to be, how things have affected you (including meds) and how you are now. You are your best voice so just do your best to be heard.

    People think it takes no energy to be suicidal but I think it takes tons. Depression is exhausting. I hope you can wrestle up a bit of energy to
    fight for what you need from these professionals.
  5. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I need some aggressive treatment from an MD, not a mental health professional. I know she doesn't know everything I've been through, but I don't see the point in this. I was stupid thinking I might find a way to cope with all this. I know that isn't going to ever happen.
  6. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    is this a psychologist or a psychiatrist? (you don't have to say)
    if just a psychologist or mental health professional unable to prescribe meds do you think she could refer or help in the process of getting the medical stuff taken care of?
    sometimes professionals listen more to other professionals...stupid but true and if you could have her on your side it might help...
  7. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Would there be any point to continue going to therapy if I am not honest with her??

    I just ordered prednisone from my online med consult.. No way I'm telling her.

    I can't follow doctors rules anymore. This is life or death for me.
  8. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    well I try to be honest with my therapist as much as I can
    I see your point and if they can't help...and you truly believe that then don't get me wrong...I totally support you.

    You have a pretty good knowledge of prednisone by the sounds of it so you will be careful I trust :)
    Just take care of yourself.

    I think that speaks volumes about you. Some might see it as sneaking behind a physician's back but I don't. You are taking care of yourself and that is good!
  9. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I don't sneak behind his back, he knows I've tried a few different meds I got online, and the next time I see him, I'm going to explain why I feel like I have no choice but to continue doing so. He actually told me if I ever used toradol again, to just keep it to myself.

    I just don't want to tell that therapist. It felt like she was kind of judgemental, and it isn't like I shoot up drugs to get high. I am just trying to function normally so I can actually live my life.

    If something doesn't make me feel better meme, I won't be able to take it anymore. If I could have permanently stopped all that pain/fatigue earlier, last time I took a nap today, instead of almost going into tears from suffering, I believe if I had the access something that would work, I would have.

    I just can't live that like anymore. And it's not because I'm depressed/suicidal. It's because I'm physically suffering/suicidal. I guess, I don't know how to explain it. My mood isn't normally bad unless I am run down and hurting really bad.
  10. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    okay, sorry I phrased it as "sneaking"..just an expression...wasn't sure if the doc knew or not but good that you told him.

    I understand why you feel defeated. physical pain is awful, exhaustion is awful! The whole thing is awful and not feeling that it has a resolution must leave you feeling out of options...but please hang on...keep fighting for more
    help with the pain.

    I hope the people here and I can help you with some of the emotional aspects but I do understand where it is stemming from...I'm sure any emotional stuff just adds to it.
  11. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I wish everyone I knew understood that as well as you seem to..

    Thank you, you all are the best..

    You have definetly helped me. I need the support, and I will always be grateful for that.

  12. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    Hope today is better for you
  13. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    It hasn't been too bad so far. Managed to get a little housework done, and highlighting my hair right now (and I know... I should of waited) lol...

    Found a tiny baby frog in my kitchen this morning. Maybe that means good luck is coming my way.. Hahaaa I wish.
  14. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    Yes!!! I do believe baby frogs are good luck!!! yes yes yes!!!:wink:
  15. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Well I guess I'm going to give therapy another try. :mortdesinos:
  16. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I said why not?
    Nothing to lose and might help?
  17. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I don't think it's going to help honestly but I think I owe it to myself to give it a try. She told me if it works or not, it's up to me. Well, I don't know.. The physical problems I have cannot be fixed through therapy sessions, and the only way I can feel better emotionally, is to feel okay physically. Yesterday was so awful, if I had went to sleep, to never wake back up again, I would not have cared. Today, I got my housework done, only been in bed about an hour, and the day was half decent, no emotional drama.

    I know I have other problems, my mom never did call to check on me, it's been close to 2 wks now.. My kids have said the most horrible things to me over being sick. My ex-husband has not been too nice about it all.. But those problems don't make me want to kill myself.

    If I hadn't been so stressed from being so sick, I wouldn't have let the way they treated me, push me over the edge. It hurt but it wasn't the reason I wanted to die, my health problems were that reason.

    I know all kids can be mouthy.. I can get past that, though it hurt..

    Therapy just seems so pointless.. If this was emotional trauma from a relationship, or from the things going on with the people in my life, I could see why it might help, but can't see how it will do any good since my problem is physical.
  18. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Sorry Cutiepie for not replying here!

    I had some annoying diversions - and should have thought about you!

    Well here I am - thinking about you.

    Well - we share something in that I don't need therapists. My depression is not related to physical things (although could be DNA - or some kind of physical cause also) - my depression just 'happened' - it just arrived - crept up - became an unwanted kind of 'buddy'.

    So seeing a counsellor - I'm not sure what we'd chat about. He or she asks me what bought this on - I say "Well actually - nothing" and they say "Ah - you poor thing" and I say "thanks" and they say "your welcome" and I say "So - any chance of a cup of tea"

    And I'm paying money for this?

    Well - I feel sympathy either way - I mean I know for some people therapy is brilliant thing - and for others a waste of time.

    For you Mary - you seem bright enough to know that your depression, whilst it is not linked to what other people have done to you - you got to concede that the dynamics of depression will make you feel that way sometimes.

    And with your kids not being civil - your ex also - and you were worried about your mum also. Well - I see this all the time - mothers like yourself who have invested what many say are the best years of your life into looking after the kids - and its not nice seeing someone you loved turning out to be someone else further down the line - or sometimes you might be someone else - whatever - it happens.

    But - you have taken what would be said to be abuse - no matter what level if its your own blood - and someone you loved - its horrible!

    Mothers ought to be treasured! But I live the Real World and am not shocked by the things which go on. Some mums in my area are terrified of the kids! Many others - do take a level of abuse which is wrong. Even swearing at your mother - its not right - not for someone like you Cutiepie - because you you done a good job - raised two kids - you were loyal to your man - I don't even need to ask that one. You keep a nice clean home - the kids are equipped with the skillsets to go out into the world - which they have done - or one has - and the other at the verge I guess.

    Hey - its time you'd kind of feel a bit down you know? I mean - I'm 46 and my mother still remembers me as the little kid on his first day at school!

    No matter how old they get - they are your children - babies until they are 30! I feel your love for your family - and you struggle with guilt because you ask for some love in return! For some civility!

    I've said cruel things to my mother and father. Offered to beat my old man up - sure! But he bragged about his army boxing - plus asked what sort of son would beat up his old man!

    Some have a reason - I know.

    I don't - he is a lovely man - but I was a juvenile delinquent - relinquishing my time.

    One day cutie - your kids will feel bad for all the things they said. You have the patience of a saint - mums do that - and your kids are good enough to do what we all eventually and make peace with our old folks.

    Frogs can be lucky - Japan for sure - but in France they eat them so not lucky for the frog.

    Anyhow - if your therapist is honest - just ask him if you can ask questions off the record. I am training for a counselling course - not sure of the procedure but surely 'off the record' applies anywhere?

    So that way you could ask about your meds and so on.

    You likely know more than him or her if your taking them!

    Hope you feel a bit better today - you dyeing your hair again?

    What colour is it this week?
  19. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    That almost makes me want to cry reading that, but I didn't..

    I just want my family to be supportive and act like they care, not just say it. Same as what I do for them. Well my kids, I have to overlook the ignorance since they are still so young. I know they love me, even if a poor way of showing it sometimes. That's enough knowing that I guess. They just make me feel so pathetic sometimes.

    My hair is brown with blonde highlights, and quite short now, but I think I like it okay.
  20. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    I just looked up prednisone and found that a side effect is depression. Isn't there anything else you can take for your physical problem that doesn't cause depression?
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