I really don't know how much longer I can take the pain. I guess I've seemed like I've been doing ok this last week or so. Ha, yeah right I have. I've got friends who are keeping me disracted for the most part, but this black depression is always there under the surface. All damn day I've been trying to stop myself from oding on my meds and chasing them with half a bottle of whisky. Not to die, but just to bliss out for a while. To get some peace and quiet in my head for once. I can't stand the constant barrage of memories and regrets and trying to figure out what to do to make it all right. I'm trying to tell the fucking future here, and of course I can't. So it feels like my head is gonna explode. I don't know what to do, I'm trying so hard but I just don't know what the right thing to do is. Please somebody drop me a massive hint. I'm not perfect, I can be a complete prick. That's normal isn't it? Deep down I know I'm nicer than a lot of guys, so why do I think I'm the scum of the universe? Why do I have all my mistakes on repeat in my head and try to make a scar for each one, so I always remember and never get complacent. And never think for one second "hey, I'm not too bad". I can't get away from this shit and it's driving me insane. Whenever I try and say something of any importance or from the heart I freeze up. I mean what's the worst that can happen if I say "I love you and I miss being yours"? It's not like I've got anything to lose. But I don't wanna put her in that situation, I never wanna be the cause of emotion in anyone. Maybe I should've just fucking listened when she said she didn't want me. What kind of pompus self-centred bastard wont even accpt that. But I don't wanna accept it, I wanna fight it with every last breath cos I really do love her and miss her. But I can't cos I'm trying to do the right thing. I just want this fucking shit to stop going round and round in my head every waking moment and in a lot of my dreams. Sleep isn't even a repreve. I need to silence my mind dammit!!