Hello again everyone it's me Urza your friendly neighborhood planeswalker, as you can tell by the title I'm really quite frustrated to being lost and back here after more than a year of pseudo-stability or even stability. Bah! I had this really long-winded post written out and deleted it, I'm not even sure how to begin. I know it's generally a bad idea to open yourself up to anonymous albeit well-intentioned and well-meaning peoples on the Internet even in a safe place such as this one that specifically discourages trolling/flaming. I'm going to do it anyway because at the very least maybe sharing what I'm feeling will do me some good. I suppose I'll begin with my feeling lost, lost because for some reason I sabotage my best plans to better and improve myself and my situation. I admit I don't do change well yet why would I constantly make some sort of brilliant plan and then work against it? It's illogical and I really wish I would stop doing that because I'm getting older (I'll be thirty this year) and it's getting tiring. For example I re-discovered after a decade what makes my writing work that is what my working method is which is a HUGE and I mean HUGE breakthrough so I'm writing and then I begin to hate it, it's not like reading where everything is a discovery and sometimes challenging yourself to find the 'Easter Eggs' of what influenced the writer on a specific sentence, character, situation etc. As an author you already know all these things. So, I stopped writing, I already know in my head where I want the book to go and meh I'm not going to write it. And any time one of these brilliant plans comes to a great stop I start beating myself up because somehow by inflicting enough emotional/mental pain upon myself I'll atone for self-sabotaging my master plan. Which at these low moments I begin to think about suiciding and then I think about those who it'll effect starting with those closest to me like my cat, my family, the two only friends I have offline and those friends who are online. Well like a nuclear blast it would affect my cat the most and hardest since we have a bond, then those of my family who I'm closest to and then through the rest of my family and my two friends and then my online friends to varying degrees of missing and moving on. As awful and horrible and selfish and self-absorbed as this sounds that pulls me back from formulating a plan to suicide and I mean a concrete plan of how, where and when and in detail what I'd do to end my life on this plane. What pulls me back all the way is telling myself that if I do I won't have anymore opportunities at well anything that death IS permanent, irrevocable and not just a passing phase unless of course there is a reincarnation and even if that DOES happen it's still not the same life. Usually at this point I begin pondering the questions of life, death and afterlife and logically I've come to the conclusion that religion is completely man-made and while everyone (including myself) THINKS they know what comes after death no one really knows therefore the logical conclusion is either a total absence of an afterlife or one that's much much different than what we think and at death all those other variables of yours and everyone else's and all their religion's views on afterlife are put back into the equation because ultimately even despite what logic would dictate we just don't know! Okay so that's another pause what am I up to now, three? Who my death will affect, the consequences of my actions and the wondering what happens after death so yes, three. And the most selfish reason of all is that there are things I still want to do and they're very trivial such as a movie to see, music to listen to and video game to play and yes that's really pathetic, I mean I should probably kill myself on that reason alone and yes I have been mad and am mad at myself right now for writing these stages of my thought process when it comes to suiciding. Of course once I come back to my senses I proceed again with the beating of the self because I'm contemplating something that I have no real right to since after all I have a roof over my head, food, clothes you know the basics and more what A LOT of people in other parts of the world have and yet they still fight the good fight so what makes me SO special? Haha, a very nice job of belittling and trivializing myself huh? Also for myself I feel really disconnected from people even detached at most times with my own humanity and it's a scary bad feeling. Not psychotic mind you just being unable to relate to people so having nothing to add to a conversation. And speaking of conversation here's another frustration I have: I'm wording this out pretty eloquently, articulated and intelligently, right? Yes? No? Maybe? Well let's just say for the sake of argument you picked 'yes,' OK, well in speech I'm not like this at all, I sound like an idiot, my words are often jumbled and confused, nothing makes sense and it frustrates me because I do consider myself fairly intelligent when I talk though I sound like Caveman Homer Simpson which really makes a poor impression so I'm usually not taken very seriously not that I can find the right words TO be taken seriously unless I write it down. ~Sighs~ Another part of this problem is of course relationships as I said I have two offline friends and very good ones romantically? Uh, no. I'm almost thirty and I still have my V-card, I find myself completely unable to talk to women even those who I find unattractive as for myself I'm fairly average, I simply lack a social mask, I wear my heart out there on my sleeve and in the whole dating/mating game, haha, I'd be crushed before I even knew what happened, haha! Oh and what's more I'm intense in the way that I describe it as being as bright as the sun and as deep as the ocean, think you can handle me? Now for this let's just say you picked 'no' again for the sake of argument in which case 'didn't think so.' Now don't get me wrong I'm not underestimating a person especially a woman's stamina you ladies are the masters, I'm just saying that intensity is like the climax of a novel or movie if it never happens and just keeps building and building it's going to eventually burn everyone out eventually well that's my intensity I'm a climax that's never resolved. Oh and let's not forget the self-sabotaging for SOME reason even if I did manage to get lucky and enter into a relationship it wouldn't last, I'd do something to make her mad and off she'd go. If you've managed to read this far you really deserve a dark side cookie here you go. ~Gives everyone whose read up to this point a Dark Side cookie~ I'm almost done and the reason for all the detail is, is that I don't have anyone to talk about this to, with my Therapist it'll either go to a 'Wheel of Random Subjects' day or it's back in the hospital and back on medication and with all due respect I personally don't believe mental medications do a damn thing, if they work for you great they've never worked for me and I'd been trying them since I was fifteen for about five or six years and didn't notice a smidge of difference in either my feelings or thoughts. I can't talk to anyone in my family about this because either I'm so far out of connection with them that they just 'wouldn't get it' or because they have their hands full of their own problems and I don't want to bother them with something that's a passing crisis (I'm either too stubborn or too stupid to just give up completely), I CAN talk to my two friends about it, however; one is dealing with a confusion so it'll only scramble his brain plus he lost his problem to suicide so I just don't feel comfortable talking to him about it and the other is so laid back that he'd tell me everything I want to hear and not really solve anything. The difference between writing this here and writing it in my journal is that in my journal I'll feel a little better, here I'll feel a little better and hopefully one of you or even more than one would know why it is I'm a fuck up and be able to help because I literally am dying of loneliness so if any of you has the Key of Knowledge to tell me WHY I'm self-sabotaging myself I can work on a solution and hopefully move on and the Suicide Forum will never have to read another novel length post from me again. Thank you for your reading. ~Passes out Dark Side cookies with sprinkles and Sprite soda~ P.S.: And it STILL turned into a long-winded post, well at least it was more organized than the one I started with.