Ah shit

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lostbutnotfound, Jul 21, 2011.

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  1. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Today has been a bad day. A very bad day. I've been a complete wreck, panic attacks, endless tears, SH.. urgh. I've had a method in mind, which I've researched intensely and am confident it will be completely successful, for a couple months now. Today, I ordered what I needed. It should all arrive by Tuesday. I've since spent numerous hours looking at suicide sites.. probably not the best thing I could have done lol. I feel calmer already.. but the dull ache of emptiness is still very much there. This time I'm determined to be methodical about it, leave no stone unturned. Tomorrow I shall write my note, and make sure the flat is tidy. Sunday and Monday will be spent trying to make sure things are in order for when I go. Tuesday none of it shall concern me any more. This world is a cruel place, and I am not gonna be a part of it any more. It hurts, and I need that pain to end.
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    :hug: What's happening, Lost? Did something trigger you and upset you? Please, don't go in this direction. Let us help you. Please?
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    What's brought this to pass? :hug:
     
  4. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Thanks Acy and Terry

    Things have just been building up, I guess. As I said, the method has been in the back of my mind for a couple months now, and I think since then.. I've just been waiting. Everything is too hard, and everywhere I turn I come to some sort of dead end. I have very very few friends (none IRL), no family.. everyone leaves. I'm so tired of battling with my brain every day. It's gotten to the stage where it's bringing me physical pain.. my heart aches (i know that sounds stupid but its true), my chest constricts painfully, every part of me hurts. And I think I've just snapped now. I don't want to do this any more.
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Seen your doc?
     
  6. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    I very rarely leave my flat, due to severe anxiety. The thought of sitting in a waiting room brings me to a cold sweat. I saw one of my mental health worker today, but having to admit I'm not doing as well as they think is pretty embarrassing. Also, I don't want to go back to psych hosp. And thirdly, I'm not sure I even want to be stopped. It's like I'm seeing clearly for the first time in a long time, potentially the first time ever.. and I see this world, and myself, for what it really is.
     
  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Now you know this isnt right thinking...right?!
    Let someone know what is going on.
    Yeah hospital can be a pain, but it can also be a life saver.
    13 months as inpatient in psychotherapy unit completely turned my life round.
     
  8. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    How isn't it right thinking? I've been wrong thinking this whole time. And I think I've finally come to the point where things are clear, and I understand things better. I was never destined to live, my death is what needs to happen. It's a shame it took all this time and false hope to figure out though.
     
  9. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    What is it really then? Can you tell us here?
     
  10. objectsinmirrors

    objectsinmirrors Well-Known Member

    Hi Lostbutnotfound,

    I'm so sorry to hear you are thinking about ending your life. It sounds like you are in such incredible pain. Is there anything i or anyone else can do to comfort you during this very painful time? I know that often feeling less alone can help me... would chatting more help you or anything like that?

    You're not alone.


    :console:
    Megan
     
  11. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    :hug:

    You're not seeing any of the good things right now. Life is a series of ups and downs. Seems like you've hit a trough tonight.

    You know how depression is...it makes us unable to see (or even imagine) that things can be OK. But that is the "depression" talking, not the real you.

    The feelings will pass if you give them some time. You don't have to act on the feelings. Ride them out. Talk to us here. I think that taking action when depression is fogging your brain is a huge disservice to you. You're worth more than that. Please stay safe.
     
  12. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Hon....

    :hug: :grouphug:

    Whats up...??? Where's this all come from, I know its been brewing for a while but talk to us/me whats triggered this now? If nothings triggered it and you've just had enough... I get that too. I can't say I know ALL you're going through BUT I can and AM sending all my love, positive wishes , care and strength to you! You need to know that you are loved and cared about ok?

    I am so sorry things are so bad, I wish I knew the right things to say to make you stay... I wish I could reach through the comp and give you a real life hug, to pop round with treats and flowers to brighten your day... to show you in real life that I am here and I DO CARE!!!!

    I know it hurts, the feelings that friends online aren't really caring that feeling that "if they knew the real you that they would walk away"... Well Hun I care and I am not walking away... I may mess up and not always BE THERE or totally GET IT!!! But Babes I am sending you loadsa love and hugs albeit only cyber!!! If thoughts had wings I'd be there already!

    I know you have so many on here who care for you and your close friends. Please try talk to your workers, keep reaching out... keep talking. It doesn't have to end like this... You know in your heart you would say the same things to me!!

    Please keep safe!
    love Me xxx
     
  13. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Today I feel.. calm. Thanks for all the responses. I haven't changed my mind, though I do feel better today. I have a suspicious feeling that I'm feeling better because I know soon enough all this will be over. Not sure what to say, but thanks again
     
  14. Hoasis

    Hoasis Well-Known Member

    Dont you have something positive to look to? Its got to be something you can hold on to?
     
  15. TheOncomingStorm

    TheOncomingStorm Well-Known Member

    F'cking hell, only just seen this! I'm so worried about you Donan, you know how much I love you...I'm always here for you no matter what, I dont want to lose you! Please just reach out...talk to some of us; we want to help you. :hug:
     
  16. lkt

    lkt Active Member

    if you're still here, plz give life some time, we'll listen to your problems, and we care, about your life, so you're not alone, even not knowing us or us knowing you, give your life one more chance, and every time you feel bad, just give us a word, we'll listen to you, so please hang in there.
     
  17. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    I've cleaned the flat today. One task down. I know that people are worried and upset, and I don't mean to put anyone through that, but it's not as if they wouldn't all move on anyway soon enough. I'm NOT a good person, and they'll see it soon enough, I'm just bringing it to it's head. No one IRL would give a shit, I don't know why anyone else would either. Anyway, maybe I'll feel calmer just having the method in the house. Maybe that'll be enough to get through Tuesday. Who knows.
     
  18. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    What is a "good person" if I may ask?

    Are you fair to yourself? Can you be your own best friend?

    :heart:
     
  19. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    hey lost please don't go through with it....
    we need you here
    can you consider talking to your doctor?
    sounds like the depression has got a hold on you and I hear how much pain you're in
    please keep fighting *hug*
     
  20. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    I just want you to know that ALOT of us wouldnt 'just move on anyway' you are so loved here, so many of us love you, even if there are so many that are horrid, and dont deserve your love and help, there are so many that love you. I hope that you think about it and remind yourself how many of us will never forget you, and how many people's hearts you have touched and helped.

    loves u
     
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