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ahh god... I dont know what i want

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by bleach, Feb 8, 2008.

  1. bleach

    bleach Well-Known Member

    I feel so indecisive... I have to decide whether I should take a leave of absence from my university or not. If I do it, I can't re-register for at least a year... I don't know what to do. I should talk to my parents about it, but i can't. I already lied to them and said I'm doing fine. But in reality I failed every class last fall, my cumulative GPA is now below 2.0 and I'm on the verge of failing out.

    Fuck. I can't believe how fucking stupid I am... I'm on my campus now and just looking around, it makes me sick to my stomach. Thinking of what might have been. Most of my friends that went to college have graduated by now, and those that haven't are working at much better jobs than me. They are going to think I'm a god damned joke if i drop out now, i have been going to college over 5 years... 5 years and Ive got shit to show for it! All of it worth absolutely nothing. I didn't accomplish a damn thing, I didnt make a single friend, I didnt learn shit, all I did was flush my time and money down the drain. And I hated every minute of it.. just being here makes me wish i could just run away and hide somewhere, or kill myself in a place where no one would ever find me. I don't even have any marketable skills or career options.

    And you know what, fuck my parents anyway. They've never treated me like a human being in my entire life. They fucking order me around and criticize and yell at me like I'm some pet animal. I can't do anything without looking like a failure in their eyes. The same is true of my brother. He's in high school and got all As on his last report card, except for one class which he got a D. So of course all they did was yell at him for getting the D. What pieces of shit. You know, I used to avoid killing myself just to keep them from being miserable. Now I want to live just long enough to see them dead.

    Unfortunatly, hating them doesnt make my life any better.
  2. bleach

    bleach Well-Known Member

    Well my father asked me how school is going yesterday and instead of telling him I just lied to avoid talking about it. God I'm pathetic. Fuck, why can't I just die already
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You aren't pathetic bleach. You don't say anything to avoid the confirtation you know is going to happen if you do. I did the same thing all the years I was with my ex and still do it now. It's a way to shield yourself from the pain! But I hope that you can find someone to talk to about this. It will help ease the pain some!
  4. bleach

    bleach Well-Known Member

    Well today my mom confronted me about college, she and my father know something is up. They know Ive been evasive and acting guilty about something and all i did was lie like there's nothing wrong. Tomorrow I will have to withdraw from school, otherwise I will wind up paying a large portion of the bill for nothing, and i didn't even talk to them about it. And after I withdraw, i can't come back to the university to take classes for at least a year (assuming I will want to come back).

    I dont know whats wrong with me. Ive never felt like more of a failure. Ive been thinking about suicide for most of today, thinking about how I might do it, considering calling the hotline for the first time. I guess things are coming to a head. I have no idea how things will be even tomorrow and Im terrified to think of what life will be like next week. I just want to put a stop to all this doubt and hate i feel for myself and I know im too weak to do it alive.
  5. bleach

    bleach Well-Known Member

    Well I went ahead and did it, dropped out. In my heart I knew I couldnt make it in school, but I still feel sick and guilty. Fuck it... whats one more stupid mistake in a lifetime full of them. :?
  6. Kabato

    Kabato New Member

    you can still try. what subjects were giving you a hard time. how old are you anyways. life is a race sometimes all that matters is that you get to the finish line. I would think of killing myself but i know that some people are gonna show up at the feneral and say how i was not tough and stuff. my parent would stupidly reason why i killed myself. don't care is you are failing just keep learning. as long as you are going to school you are fine. Iam a cna (certified Nursing assistant) that one job that you made a lot of money expecially if you have a car. You take cna class for 6 months and you are done.
  7. Kabato

    Kabato New Member

    of course i am not working now cause i don't have a car. I have been "doing those win 5,000 dollars surveys from target hoping i would win some cash, I doubt i would win though.
  8. bleach

    bleach Well-Known Member