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ahhh

#1
I've struggled with a lot of anxiety and depression style brain stuff. i hesitate to say i've struggled with mental health because i have never been diagnosed with anything and i know many many many people who have had genuine problems. i think a lot of it is quite normal, but also i'm often surprised by how elements of it are not widely relatable. i don't know what point i'm trying to make here. i tried to kill myself a few years ago (a very feeble probably not genuine attempt, it was not very dangerous, i only call it a suicide attempt because as little effort as i put in, the intent was genuinie. i remember very vividly the point of just crying and crying and doing anything to get rid of myself. anyway. i've worked hard since then to get ~better~
overall, i achieved that. I've had some rough patches but never as bad as that or the period of time leading up to it.
I really struggle to be close to people. I want to talk to the people I care about right now, or even my therapist, but the idea of reaching out to someone i know feels silly and pointless because as soon as someone is listnening i won't be able to get it out and then it just seems like a huge overreaction. which it probably is, but i am faintly aware that ther is a lot in my brain right now and im not totally in control.
My life is a lot better now than it was. Compared to even a year ago i am thriving. I started university this year and its been amazing. being away from home my mental health was so so so much better - i still struggled with a lot of the same thoughts and feelings but i felt in control, i had ways to help myself, and i didnt get STUCK in things. but i went home for christmas, just for a week, and EVERYTHING came back - everything from a year ago, not from the worst times. but since coming home to uni, i feel totally gutted and empty and hopeless. i feel like a shell of a human being. last night i had a bit of a difficult time about gender. i am transgender and home is accepting to a degree, but every time i'm there i lose my grip on reality and gender is one of the things that comes up as a question of who i am. i know who i am in regards to gender, and i am confident and comfortable in my identity. but when i'm at home i cannot trust anything. I genuinely lose perception of what is real - i get paranoid about everyone i know in every possible way. i believe people are spies or that i am part of a conspiracy or that the world is set up to fuck with me. i only scratched the surface this christmas, i didn't go into any full blown delusions, but i lost my grip on reality and it hasnt totally come back. a lot of it stems from trying to figure out the roots of my brain problems as my mums behaviour when i was growing up but the trouble there is that : okay im not good at wording. I believe and have talked a lot in therapy about how i've been affected by my mum losing her temper when i was little. she's hit me, throw stuff, smash up my room. It wasnt Abusive abusive by any means, and it wasn't malicious. but there was a hospital trip and it defitnely had an effect on me. but the scary part was always after, when she would apoogise and then life would just go back to normal and it was like these things didnt ever happen. right before i left for university i found her biting herself until she bled, then she told me that she'd kicked the cat across the room and cut herself with a kitchen knife. she then proceded to tell me for about half an hour all the reasons she can't deal with me - im too anxious, and she finds my being queer too much and too difficult, mostly. since ive been gone shes gone back to therapy and started on anti anxiety meds. when i went home for christmas, again it was like nothing happened. And she tried to take on this caring mother role that she has just never filled. and then i felt guilty and crazy for thinking she'd been Not The Best Mother and probably caused me some issues. further complicated because i am hyperaware that she was just doing her best, and also that compared to most she was a good mother. iw ould not consider her a good mother. that feels like just me being horrible. so reality is a bit ~~~~~~~~~ i dont know whats what. i don't feel real or like i exist. and last night in my little emotional meltdown moment i had a few little suicidey thoughts - not so far as planning - but just the sensation of 'i could just die and it would all be done and gone' i kind of caught them and refuted them and responded in a mildly healthy way and i thought i would wake up today and feel better and just get back to my life here, but i am so much worse. i cannot shake the thoughts anymore, and its spiralling into a cycle of thoughts and misplaced assumptions that make it out to be the only option. like this is inevitable, ive done all i can do, and i have nothing to bring to the world. i know this feeling passes but i dont want to keep going through this. i cant see the point of living good bits just to always end up back at wanting to die. i dont want to want to die. ALL i want to do is live my life and be a bit grateful for it. i feel like i've been robbed of that. and robbed of the ability to do things because i am too emotional and anxious to do any work or be at all creative and completely and utterly robbed of the ability to have actual connections and close relationships with people. thats a whole nother thing but it aint pressing i just wish that i had anyone i could go to with this. i think maybe the trouble there is if i go to someone its with the intention of getting them to make everything okay and i know that thats not possible and its just not fair to put that on someone.
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#2
Hi there! Welcome to SF, I'm glad you reached out to us. I really wanted to reply to you, I feel a lot of empathy and think there's some points to be made here.

i know many many many people who have had genuine problems
Diagnoses don't make problems genuine. If you're struggling to cope, you're struggling to cope, and you don't need a diagnosis to justify the pain you are experiencing.

as soon as someone is listnening i won't be able to get it out
This is normal and okay! The amount of times I struggled to open up. If you find the right person, they will be patient, and they will wait til you feel you can say something, even if it's only a little. And of course we are always here to listen - I'm really happy you managed to get all of this down here!

but i went home for christmas, just for a week, and EVERYTHING came back
Its also great you found uni useful - I can relate in that at uni, I feel like I have a lot more independence and freedom to be myself, and I imagine that's similar with you. Going home is also triggering for me often (not to the same extent or situation, but I can relate to that feeling). Is there a way to shorten or lessen home visits? I also think it's a good thing you recognise this - it allows you to plan for the trigger and come up with a way that if you do need to go home, you are prepared to deal with those feelings.

It wasnt Abusive abusive by any means
Intentional or otherwise, this is abuse. You were abused. I know that's blunt - but she hit you and used her relationship with you to dismiss any pain or doubt you had about her or the things going on. I say this because I think it's important to acknowledge this to understand the way you're feeling, and how it may have affected you. Hiding it might feel easier but if it's not out in the open, it can't be dealt with. I'm sorry you had to experience this.

i know this feeling passes but i dont want to keep going through this
I have felt this more times than I can count. In times like this, I try to remind myself of how I felt - that feeling when you began uni, and you finally felt that release of being able to be you again? That's what you're fighting for. You deserve to be happy, and you'll be surprised to hear you are already on your way there. We have setbacks, particularly when we are around triggering things, but you have been able to grasp onto that feeling of hope! Follow it.

I hope you're feeling okay - I'm also a student and my messages are always open if you'd like someone to talk to! :)

Sending hugs

Em
 

Auri

🎸🎼Rock Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#3
Hi @ahudfhe , welcome to SF, we're glad you've come here.

many people who have had genuine problems
Depression and anxiety are genuine problems, no matter if you've been diagnosed or not. Do you think a diagnosis would help you? In order to get a treatment/therapy adapted to your needs? That is why people get one, but your feelings, your struggles, your pains are just as valid no matter what they are. Minimizing your problems usually just results in feelings of invalidation and a lack of self-compassion and self-esteem, also prevents you from seeking help before it gets much worse... but they do matter, even more so that they lead you to consider ending your life. That is not nothing...

it just seems like a huge overreaction. which it probably is
I'll be a hypocrite as I also struggle with this a lot... but it very probably isn't an overreaction. It's hard when people don't seem to fully understand what you're going through, but actually talking less can make them overthink your situation and come up with their own conclusions, which are usually based on their own experience, not yours. Opening up helps them understand, too, and in general communication is just the best thing in any kind of relationship. That is my best advice ever : honest communication. :p

I'm glad you're enjoying your time at university, and away from home. I relate with that a lot. As much as my mental health progressively deteriorated during uni, it would have been way worse and quicker if I had lived at home. Everyone's situation is different, so it's not real advice, but in the future, I recommend not coming back to live at home, especially as it seems to be a very toxic environment for you and directly makes you feel worse. I wish I never did, biggest mistake ever. ^^

she's hit me, throw stuff, smash up my room. It wasnt Abusive abusive by any means, and it wasn't malicious. but there was a hospital trip and it defitnely had an effect on me. but the scary part was always after, when she would apoogise and then life would just go back to normal and it was like these things didnt ever happen. right before i left for university i found her biting herself until she bled, then she told me that she'd kicked the cat across the room and cut herself with a kitchen knife. she then proceded to tell me for about half an hour all the reasons she can't deal with me - im too anxious, and she finds my being queer too much and too difficult, mostly.
I'm replying as I'm reading, and it seems like you're going through way more than you stated... Hitting is abuse, and I think it seems less malicious when it comes from someone who's supposed to care for you, but that is not caring at all. What would you tell another person whose parent did that to them?
Guilt-tripping you like that, threatening to harm herself because of you and invalidating your feelings, is all quite serious emotional abuse, and from my experience and observation, it's the one that makes the most long-lasting damage. Nothing is ok about it. :( I'm sorry you had to go through this, and I hope you can avoid her as much as possible when she becomes aggressive like that in the future.

i think maybe the trouble there is if i go to someone its with the intention of getting them to make everything okay and i know that thats not possible and its just not fair to put that on someone.
Indeed, one other person cannot do that for you. Most of it will have to come from you, but a few other people can help you and be by your side to support you while you're trying to get better. You have us on SF, but you can also meet people irl and open up to them to the extent you feel comfortable with, without expecting them to "save you" - which is a quite unhealthy thought to have. Most people like to help others, they like to genuinely listen, they want to care if you allow them to. It doesn't have to be the only thing you do with them though, which is when it would feel like "too much", or "too negative". You can reciprocate as well by listening to them, and do many other "positive" things with them : try new activities, talk about your respective passions, have philosophical conversations, all that... Be their friend. :)

Hope to see you around, and you're also welcome in our chatrooms if you feel like it, to vent or to talk about anything that grieves you, to find people who relate and/or who show compassion, or just to have a laugh. ;) Sending hugs in the meantime.
 

Auri

🎸🎼Rock Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#4
PS. Sorry if it feels like rambling and my sentences are long and complicated af. I had like 3 coffees before writing this, my thoughts are faster than my typing. :p
 

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