Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shoshana, Aug 31, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Shoshana

    Shoshana Member

    i have this evil inside of me...and its ruined my whole life, and im consumed by thoughts of what i'll never have. Like a childhood, and a family, and an undamaged body.

    And i have no self control. None. I've tried so hard for twenty five years, but i obviously don't want to get better, i know everyhting i should be doing, i've known it all along.

    But the evil me chose the wrong things, and now i'm too weighed down to get out of this hole, and there's no one to help except strangers on this stupid site, where they all they write is "it's gonna be ok". "it gets better"

    Obviously it gets better, and then gets worse and then it gets better and then it gets worse.

    Life sucks like that.

    Im still afraid to not die, thats literally the one thing i have left. Now when i fantasize its about going back in time and killing myself when i was young, so i would at least be remebered and pittied.

    Now if i do it, no one will care, it wont even be on the news.

    I really have caused more harm then good
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 31, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you a doctor that can help you control the evil inside you hun medicaiton newer ones can help that i hope you have support hun because you do not have to live the way you are living not with new meds out there hugs
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry your life is like that, and that you're in pain. OK?, for real. I wish I had some real answers, for you or for me, and then this site would evaporate.

    I don't know if you have meds to take, or a therapist, or program of some support. Don't know if you've been in a psych ward, they're not all that bad, It's been almost 11 months since my most recent visit. Sometimes you can get to a real counselor, that really works for you. There isn't any uniform, one-size-fits-all therapist or other "mental health professionals", so sometimes you tell the one you've got to fuck off.

    Or maybe you've got a good one, but it takes a while to get your meds straight, I can't count the changes in dosages, different medications.swap one for two others, change what time of day, with or without meals - its some pretty complicated shit. And then some of us have mood swings just to keep things interesting.That's where a supervised atmosphere helps, you get your dosage as described. Regular meals, boring as fuck, but at least I got some referrals to local agencies that had resources to help people like me (and you). The best was one I heard about on TV - NAMI, call them

    And some of them really knew because they'd been there, too, or still were. And that's all we can do here. We can try to offer you some support, a place to get shit off your mind (within the FAQs, but I've just slipped in a shit and a couple of fucks). Not everyone is going to be able to say anything to you, but stick around, and someone will. It's not an overnight process, but we're pretty complex to start with, and then some of what we're subjected to twists us up even more.

    Go to an Emergency room, tell them you're suicidal, they're obligated to treat or refer you. And maybe once you can get someone to advocate for you, maybe you can get some treatment. Even go to a police or fire station, if your life is totally fucked already, what's another police report with your name on it. Believe me, they would rather help get you some help than to have to clean up a suicide (or even attempted one).

    And then I'll throw in the "It gets better"line, we both know thats not always true. Sometimes, when the stars align or whatever, there's a day when I look around and can say, "Yeah, I can see myself living like this and being ok with it" but other days it's like "Not one more day like this" and then my negative coping skills start creeping in.

    If you're on here and want a one-to-one, private conversation, you can always PM someone that's online, or try the chat rooms, but they move too fast for me.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.