Ahoy There

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Nihilist87, Nov 9, 2008.

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  1. Nihilist87

    Nihilist87 Member

    Hi :)

    Okay, here goes...

    At around 9 or 10 years old (I'm 21 now) I was self-harming on a regular basis. Nothing was wrong, I was simply doing it, without knowing why. At the time I didn't really understand what I was doing, and it was only a few years ago that I came to terms with it and realised what had been happening.

    I haven't had a hard life so far, and have no tangible cause for my depression. But for as long as I remember I've been depressed, lonely and without any real direction to my life.

    I have a few friends, though fewer close ones, and none that I talk to about this kind of thing. I've never really met anyone that I feel I can relate to. Most people think I'm shy, or just socially inept, but neither are true, I can get on with people fine and I'm not really shy at all. I just never make the effort to talk to people because I find most people boring, and on a different wavelength.

    The few friends that I do have think I'm somebody I'm not, because I adapt my personality to suit them.

    Everybody I know thinks I'm happy. I don't think you'd ever guess I was feeling this way if you met me in the street.

    I like to be alone but I hate to be alone. :dry: I'm sure there are a few of you who know what I mean by that?

    Somewhere along the way I lost the ability to feel emotion when I really should. Close relatives have died and I've just been totally indifferent. I haven't cried since I was about 14, and sometimes I think I'd like to, but I don't think I even know how.

    I hate my depression, but I've become addicted to it. It's as if part of me enjoys revelling in dark, lonely moods.

    I've contemplated suicide, but not as a result of the depression - if I'm not here, nothing matters, I won't be able to experience anything - but I wouldn't want to put my family through that.

    The few relationships I've had have been purely sexual, no strings atttached. I don't want a proper relationship unless I feel I can enjoy intelligent conversation and mutual understanding. I'm not even that interested in one night stands any more, it's got the point where I just want to stop feeling so lonely.

    The reason I'm here all of a sudden is because I don't know where I'm going with my life, I don't think I care about anything enough to pursue it, and whilst I'm just finishing a degree and about to move into a decent job, I don't even know if this matters. Is it going to make me happier? What am I going to spend my wages on? Anti-depressants? :p

    Bleh, I don't really know where I'm going with this, I only meant to write a few lines. Sorry for rambling. Nice to meet you all anyway and I'll be seeing you around :D
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Let me welcome you to the forum. i hope that through the support of the members here, we are able to help you find the direction in life you are seeking and that that direction is a healthy successful one. Take care. :hug:
  3. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF.
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    :welcome: to SF! We'll see you around the forums!
  5. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum and I hope you find as much benefit from being here as I have. Talking to people who are or have been in a similar situation and where you can feel safe to do so is a great help.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum :welcome:
  7. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF. :hug:
  8. Nihilist87

    Nihilist87 Member

    Thanks guys ^^,
  9. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Well from talking to in chat and knowing that you enjoy nihilism too. I think you could appreciate that nothing matters anyway! :laugh:
    Hope you post around some more. I friended you hope that's ok too.
  10. Nihilist87

    Nihilist87 Member

    Heh, good point, I should have worded that differently :laugh: I guess I meant to say I would be unaffected by the world and it's happenings. Though it's hard to debate whether or not life is worth sticking around for when I'm of the belief it's all totally pointless anyway :tongue:

    Oh and sure, I accepted your friend request :smile:
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